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Dec 3, 2011

What I Dream

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I ask this all the time...

Is there anyone out there that doesn’t dream?  I think everyone dreams but doesn’t necessarily remember any of them.  I have reoccurring dreams, dreams where I am falling and where I fly (Fav #1)  Also reoccurring themes are the hubby John in a wide range of situations. (Worst #1) Being chased or followed.  Physical attack or peril. Sex, sometimes with spontaneous orgasms (Fav #2…this is the truth, I swear)  Arguing with my dad. (Worst #2) 

Sometimes I don’t know the people in my dreams.  Or maybe I just don’t know them yet.  Interesting thought.  I love the flying dreams.  I just spread my arms and fly around, usually at my parents, or at the pavilion below.  When I was younger I flew around my grandparents farm.  I lived there as an adult for about two years.  I had a dream about flying around the yard and around the barn.  I would swoop under and above the electric and phone lines.  If only I could make that come true!  Imagine all the gas money I would save!!

Wet dreams are very interesting to me.  It’s amazing how powerful the mind is.  Sometimes I have an orgasm and the dream isn’t even sexual.  Weird huh?  Anyone ever have an orgasm in their sleep?  A few days ago I had spontaneous orgasms sitting in my car with Dale.  I was fully dressed and frozen with wave after wave until I physically felt ill.  Dale said he saw something on TV about a woman who would suddenly have an orgasm.  Orgasms were great….thinking I will barf…not great.  LOL

So I almost dream daily about the future ex-hubby.  There used to be a sexual edge to my dreams about him.  If I could control it to some degree, I would take the sexual dreams over the fighting dreams.  Sometimes I dream I’m back in my house but I can’t get Heather to leave.  Every now and then, Kelly drops into a dream and I’m still having to hear her yelling at me.  She’s long gone now, except in my silly dreams.

I have no desire to ever be in a relationship with John again.  I suppose it could just be the stress of dealing with the whole divorce process.  I don’t let the dreams haunt me.  I could keep a journal nearby to jot down notes that will help me remember.  Maybe I’ll try that tonight and see what happens!

Counting orgasms,

~P.

Filed Under: Divorce, Dreams, John · Tagged: , , , , ,
Dec 3, 2011

Protected: Beyond Furious

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Filed Under: Divorce · Tagged:
Dec 2, 2011

Taking the chick from the mama hen

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Mamma and her little chicken Tesla

Ok, I’ve had it.  I can’t get more than a few minutes to talk to my daughter.  Her father is “following the court order” to the letter and I know that is not how it was intended.

I last saw Tesla Monday night and watched her practice ballet.  I have yet to get any type of response that I can visit her since.  “You’re not cutting into my time with Tesla.”

What the fuck is wrong with a parent that for no good reason he is not letting me see or really even talk to Tesla.  She didn’t go to gymnastics last night.  Tesla said she had dance practice.  Tonight she said she was practicing gymnastics at home with Bria. (Heather’s daughter)  I very much wanted Tesla to go to Spartapalooza with me.  Blog on YCP Spartapalooza coming soon.

I have a real issue with my child being withheld from me for no good reason and John’s refusal to return my texts messages and phone calls.  This is selfish and immature behavior and in no way showing support for Tesla to see her mother.

Upsetting me is that John is refusing to allow her to go to the Lehman Center for art therapy.  It doesn’t cost him anything and it is to teach her coping skills during this period stressful situation for Tesla.  I don’t know what John is afraid of learning but it’s not about John, it’s about Tesla.

Stop denying me my child!

~P.

Filed Under: Divorce, John, Tesla · Tagged: , ,
Nov 29, 2011

My friends

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I can not put into “perfect words” how much I appreciate all your support during this very difficult time of separation from my daughter.  It feels good to know I can lean on so many friends when I feel I am falling down.

My facebook friends, college friends, high school friends, life long friends….you get the picture.  You always have a listening ear and words of encouragement.  This is why friendship is priceless. 

Dale is the greatest boyfriend I’ve ever had.  His feelings were hurt a little bit when I told him he couldn’t be my “best friend” because having your significant other as your best friend is a challenge.  If a bf or gf is your bbf and you two break up, you’re doubly screwed, and not in a good way!

Friends are precious and even if long periods of time pass between talking to a friend, it’s so easy to catch up.  Never take a friend for granted or after a while you will find you don’t have any “real friends” at all.

Remember, you get to pick your friends.

Choose wisely,

~P.

Filed Under: Dale, Divorce, Friends · Tagged: , , ,
Nov 29, 2011

Dear John and Heather

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Dear John and Heather,

    I decided it would be much easier just to address you both in this post.  Though I have made this painfully clear in the past, stop harassing my friends and family.  This includes my boyfriend Dale. 

   You have no business talking to him.  John, if you must speak to me about something concerning Tesla, I am all ears.  There should be no conversation between you and Dale or Heather and Dale. 

   The police told you not to harass me.  I didn’t realize I would have to include Dale on the list.  My friends and family don’t care to hear or see you.  (for that matter, no one wants to hear or see Heather either)  Don’t question anyone about Tesla, other than me.  You want to know something, check with her mother. 

    We all know you are a tough guy and love to be the bully.  Well that must stop.  Making a scene at Tesla’s dance class was just ridiculous.  Yes, I called Dale away from the two of you because I know how you treat people.  Heather is a great copycat of your drama king status.  Neither of you had any business questioning Dale about my where-abouts today. 

    Heather, I don’t want you throwing your useless and senseless comments in when John and I are trying to have a civil conversation.  I realize you would rather see John and I at each others throats.

  The two of you seem set on making this as difficult as possible for me to see Tesla.  You are quick to cause problems that just are trivial and then threaten to sue me for contempt for attending my classes.  That says so much about the two of you.  It saddens me that you both will go out of your way to be negative, hateful and bitter about the wonderful relationship Tesla and I have.  A relationship that neither of you can completely control.  In the end, you will just ruin any thread of a relationship you ever had with Tess, all on your own.

Karma,

~P.

 

 

Filed Under: College, Dale, Heather, John, Tesla · Tagged:
Nov 27, 2011

STALKER

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I used to refer to my husband as my stalker.  “I married my stalker” I would say.

John would listen to my phone calls or hide and listen in on my conversation.  He was an expert at sneaking around for being such a big guy.  Of course he could always get someone to “spy” on me if he couldn’t do the “checking up” himself.  I thought once I managed to escape my “prison guard” I wouldn’t have to worry about feeling like I was in prison.

Sure, John let me have a little freedom.  He preferred to go where every I was going or have me in his presence 24-7.  Even after 3 years of separation, he still can’t let go of me and move on.  Maybe it’s the divorce holding him up also.

John invades my dreams and my reality.  Almost every night I dream about John.  Lucky me huh?  Sometimes it’s fighting, sometimes his girlfriends are involved.  Kelly still pops into dream land now and then.  Usually Heather isn’t part of my dreams.  Whew!

Don’t ask me why I dream about my stalker.  I guess I just haven’t shaken him from my subconscious yet….if that is even possible.

I checked my cellphone not to long after I got up from bed.  At 8:58 AM John sent me a text:  “I see your resume classes tomorrow.”

I find that creepy.  Like when he sent me a text at a Revolution’s ballgame that Tesla, Jarrid and I were attending with friends.  John was there too and shortly after I arrived he sent me this text:  “I see you.”  Can you say creeper?????  I can’t believe I married this guy!!

So I sent him a reply to his creepy class text:  “yes” and a little later “how do you see that?”  He never replied.  I’m sure he’s trying to get me to say I won’t have Tesla with me tomorrow and his response will be “then you can’t have her because the court order says she must be in your presence while in my custody.”  Would that surprise me?  NOT AT ALL.

I don’t look into where John is while he has Tesla.  I already know he gets lots of different people to babysit while he is out doing God knows what.  He is just obsessed with this never-ending relationship and how he can control me and Tesla every chance he gets.  You would think with Heather and her 4 children he would be too busy to pay attention to my schedule.

Apparently not,

~P.

Filed Under: College, Divorce, Heather, John · Tagged: ,
Nov 26, 2011

Dear Heather~ delivery receipt

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Dear Heather,

This is a delivery receipt for Tesla’s antibiotics and ointment.  Thank you for dropping that off.  I immediately took her inside from the mailbox and applied it.  I guess since it’s “your fault” the medicine wasn’t sent, you get those little brownie points erased.

On the other hand, if you hadn’t taken the medicine out of Tesla’s bookbag, she would not have been treated while in her father’s care.  It’s a good thing you are there looking out for Tesla.

I’m sure you didn’t have a problem with delivering the medicine.  Just wondering why her dad didn’t take care of that.  He couldn’t be bothered with checking Tesla’s book bag.  Didn’t stop to drop off the medicine….is he really that busy?

Anyway, I got a little carried away.

Meds received.

If I have to have someone living in my house, with my future ex-husband and acting as step-mom to my daughter, I thank you Heather.  Let’s see how long you can stick it out with that Bull.

Best Wishes,

~P.

Filed Under: Divorce, Heather, John · Tagged: ,
Nov 26, 2011

Dear John~ you frustrate me

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Dear John,

Why would you tell me Tesla’s medicine is in her bag if you hadn’t checked?  It wasn’t in there.  You told me you didn’t even take it out while she was with you.  I know you are in the middle of throwing a party but come on?!

You get Tesla back for 8 hours and already can’t get things right.

Tesla said Heather put the medicine on her face.  Apparently Heather is taking care of Tesla because you are just such a busy man.

See you tomorrow when you drop of her meds.

Yes, I am pissed.

~P.

Filed Under: Divorce, Heather, John, Tesla · Tagged: ,
Nov 25, 2011

Dear Dale~Man of Patience

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Dear Dale,

I want to take a moment to thank you for your incredible patience.  You are the first man in my life who I feel truly supports me during tough times.

You have been called in court and testified on my behalf.  Your background was questioned.  You were put under a microscope and you passed the “good guy” test.  I commend you on your endless support during this very tough portion of my life.  The drama seems endless and the results have not been in my favor.

Oh well, we will figure it out.  You, me, Tesla and Ying.  Don’t count on Ying for much input.

Tesla is holding up pretty good so far.  She kept telling me she wanted to stay and I kept telling her she had to visit with her dad.  Sure, she comes back tonight and then I have her until Monday when we go to her dance practice.  Tess is already telling me she wants to go to school from my house.  I hope she continues to hold up well, be strong and talk to me.  Once the schedule starts, I am not sure how she will hold up.

She is going to miss us.  Yes, us.  She thinks you are great.  “Superdooper great” I believe she said.  I am going to miss her, but you know that already.  I cried earlier and you comforted me by phone.  I dried my tears.

You are such a supportive man, I am so thankful.  Thankful that you are in my life.  It was wonderful to meet your family.  We all have dysfunctional families….LOL  They were thrilled to see you and that tells me so much about your character!!

So I’ve been kinda bumming it today since Tesla left.  I need to do some homework and stop watching “Planet Green” an oddly fascinating tv channel.

You should be home soon and that will make me happy!

Love you lots!

~P.

Filed Under: Dale, Divorce, Family, Tesla · Tagged: ,
Nov 23, 2011

Kick me while I’m down

By · 13 Comments

Today I contacted Department of Welfare because there had been some screw up with Dale’s tax papers.  I informed them that I no longer had joint custody of Tesla.

As if things aren’t bad enough, I will now lose Tesla and my medical card (don’t worry, John already informed me he applied for Chip.  I’m sure he didn’t come up with that on his own) and we are no longer eligible for food stamps or free lunches.

I have no idea if this will impact me attending school.  I am SO frustrated with all that is going on.  Congratulations to John for managing to screw me over once again, along with getting majority custody.  I’m not boo-hooing, just floored at the decision of the courts to award custody to a man who has been putting off divorcing his wife because he doesn’t want to have to change ANY part of his life.

My life is completely turned upside down.  Not that he would care.  I realize now he never really cared about me.  It was all about him.

Crossing my fingers that things get better,

~P.

Filed Under: Divorce · Tagged: ,
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