Hey…. It’s me! Making changes.

I get so angry with myself because I have this awesome website with people who follow what I write, yet I rarely write. So I need to develop a time where I regularly write again.

We’ve had a lot of changes in our lives recently. The biggest being that Brian was awarded custody of his son, Matt. Matt’s 12, same as Tesla, my daughter. The custody process was very long. It took over a year just to get a trial.

Actually, there were two. At the first one, the judge was not pleased with either Brian, or his ex-wife’s, testimony. Instead, she appointed a lawyer for Matthew and said when he was done gathering information and writing a recommendation, then there would be an actual custody hearing.

From the day Matthew was appointed his own lawyer, until the actual decision, was a year and two months. Brian was awarded full physical and legal custody of Matt. His mother can see him the first weekend of every month and then have him December 27th until the day before he returns to school.

This decision, of course, isn’t sitting well with Matt’s mom. She was expecting to keep primary custody and hoping to get some of my income as child support to boot. I knew neither of those things would happen.

Brian has all say in Matt’s life now. He is able to take him to the doctor and doesn’t need her permission for him to start medication for ADHD. All the ideas and accepted behaviors that Matt’s been taught his whole life now need to be changed. This could prove to be a challenge.

Another change that I’m working on, I want to get back into shape. I don’t expect to become a triathlete, but I would like to be able to walk up a few flights of steps and not thinking I’m going to die. I’m seriously disappointed in myself for falling out of shape.

I gave serious thought to bariatric surgery. My weight now is considered obese, but not morbid, so I probably don’t qualify. I have not scheduled an appointment with a surgeon to see if I’m a candidate, but instead began a diary to keep track of what I eat and exercise.

I’ve lost weight before, so I believe I can do this. My starting weight. 211. My goal weight, 155. I’ve got a ways to go.

I feel sad looking at these pictures! So here’s to eating right and exercising.

Fingers crossed!


Dear Heather~Hey what’s up girlfriend?


Dear Heather,

See, I can even call you girlfriend and it has multiple meanings!

Let me tell you….I am just set on getting this divorce and custody taken back to the York Courthouse.  Tesla is on me every time we are alone about wanting to live with her momma.  She says she wants to live with me 14 days and John 2.  I’m not sure why she calls her dad John.  Weird huh?

It is gut wrenching to have Tesla ask me to please move home with her Daddy.  I didn’t expect John to tell her I told him she said this.  At least he didn’t “freak out” on her as she said he does do.  Tesla tells me about the trips you all take and I’m always happy for her.  I’m glad she likes you.  I’m not glad that she is so damn confused on who is married to who and the whole brother (whose name she can’t remember half the time) and sisters.  Your kids see their dad much more than I see Tesla.  Don’t you find that strange?  Or do you join in on “keeping my visits with Tesla in check?”

I take one day at a time.  Karma is driving a big rig.  He and you can’t dodge divorcing me and your husband.  Maybe your husband would like to marry his longtime girlfriend.  You and John don’t mind holding  everyone else’s lives hostage through your greediness.  You both will have to take whatever a divorce master decrees.  No matter what, I’m looking forward to my day in court and the truth will set me and Tesla free.

Courthouse parking sucks,


Dear John~sad sad sad

Letters he nevers learn from

Dear John,

I went all the way to Windsor for Tesla’s May Fair this morning.  You knew you had to work, but still wouldn’t let me pick up Tesla insisting Heather was keeping her.

Why did you say to me, “It’s open to the public.  You can go.”?   I only wanted to go with Tesla….

So I go, only to be told Heather isn’t taking Tesla.  I didn’t want to attend the May Fair without my child.

After 3 hours, I left.  Heather wouldn’t answer my calls or texts and you were busy working so that meant zero help as usual.  This could have ALL been arranged days ago when I asked to take her to the May Fair.  Your flexible schedule you brought up so many times in court hasn’t really panned out John.

There was NO reason I couldn’t pick Tesla up at 11AM for the May Fair, other than you and Heather didn’t want me to.  Instead, Tesla had to attend all the practices of the children you and Heather keep telling her are sisters and a brother.



more than lenient

How I still feel

According to the wise one who dictates when I may see Tesla, I was informed he is  “more than lenient” with Tesla’s visits.  Does he mean lenient to me….or to Tess?  Either way, I don’t see much leniency for either.  I think John is permanently stuck in the “Prison Guard Mentality” for life.

Definition of LENIENT Adj.

1: exerting a soothing or easing influence : relieving pain or stress
2: of mild and tolerant disposition; especially: indulgent

lenient [ˈliːnɪənt]


1. showing or characterized by mercy or tolerance

Examples of LENIENT

  1. a teacher who is lenient with students who have misbehaved
  2. Many people felt that the punishment was too lenient.
  3. By giving one more person—the executive—the power to reduce (but not to increase) punishments, our constitutions (both Federal and state) seem to be sending an important message: that in a world in which errors are inevitable, it is better to err on the side of overly lenient, rather than overly harsh, punishment. —Alan M. Dershowitz, New York Times Book Review, 16 July 1989

Does John understand the meaning of lenient?

I usually get notice at the last moment on when I can see Tesla.  Then there are days when I think I will see her and he changes her schedule to suit his.  I believe a set day that Tesla and I know John will be “lenient” with on a weekly basis would be great!

The whining about my Facebook status and blog content can stop, oh wise one.  Even better, just co-operate in sharing Tesla more equally and I won’t have a reason to bitch.  Does he even get sharing?

He does understand Bitterman though.



This is what I mean!

I didn’t see Tesla at school today.  I wrote that earlier.

I guess no one read that blog yet.

Called twice to talk to Tesla before soccer.  Voicemail.

7:30 Tesla returned my call but I was outside.

I return her call and tried to talk with her.  It’s so noisy with Heather and children in the background I could barely make out what she is saying.

She asked if I can get her tomorrow.  I told her I would talk to her dad.  She said that her dad wasn’t home.  He was, because she had his phone.

I’m guessing Heather fetched him because he did eventually answer.

I asked him when his game is tomorrow.  He didn’t know.

Can I see Tesla tomorrow?  He didn’t know what his schedule is.

I asked him why it mattered what his schedule was when I only want to see Tesla.  He responded with, “Didn’t you see her at school today.”   I replied, “Wrong” making a buzzer sound and followed it with, “next?”

John thinks he knows everything.  Even if I did see Tesla today, volunteering in her class, why stop me from spending individual time her the next day?

His follow-up to the school comment….”well you saw her over the weekend.”  He says this in front of Tesla.

How is this not purposely keeping Tesla from spending time with me?

As John and Heather like to tell me, “take it to the courthouse.”

Like I don’t spend enough time in the courthouse with John and Heather.  I even have promises from Heather for a future court hearing.

How about just loosening the grip you two have on Tesla?

Your daily drama does affect Tesla….and probably all the other children in the house.

Dr. Phil….help!



What do cops know?

Suddenly, my blog has become a hot topic concerning “who knows what about whos past” and “let’s have a judging session here on the Internet for the world to enjoy.”


I know John loves Tesla and I will not deny him time with her when I do get custody.  I’m the opposite of him and he knows it.  He just doesn’t want to share her.  I knew he would do this if he was awarded custody.  Possibly even Tesla knew if she lived with her dad there would be “difficulties” in seeing her mom.

The judge didn’t spell out everything because; John is supposed to have the responsibility to make sure Tesla spends time with her mother.

LaDonna forgets the judge said, “If this were based on attitude Mr. Delauter, you would lose because you have a bad attitude.”  She also said, “Ms. Crider, you are a good mother and I believe you have a good man in Mr. Hollinger.  Mr. Delauter, you are a good father.  This is not about who the better parent is, but where it is best for Tesla to reside.”  (note Heather’s name wasn’t even raised)

Will the judge think it is best for Tesla to reside with John after all this?  We shall see.

John had no response to why Heather was calling me at 10 PM to tell me how she is going to ruin my life.  Heather honey, John is doing just fine on his own.

Heck, the Lower Township Police said, “He’s not trying to ruin your life, he already did.”    Hey cop…you don’t know jackshit.

My life is just starting again.


Dear John~Bitterman

Dear John,

You are the former love of my life.

Let’s just be honest here.  Now you are a bitter man.

It’s the only explanation I can come up with that makes sense.

Why else, when I request to see our child would you refuse?

Yesterday you said Tesla had nothing going on after school today that I could “go to watch”.  I asked then to have Tesla after school and immediately you said “We’re to busy, the other kids have lacrosse and ….”  When you were done with your lame ass answer to why Tesla couldn’t go with me I said, “I don’t care what Heather’s kids are doing, I want to see my kid.”

So this afternoon I texted you about getting Tesla and you texted back, “We have plans tonight.”

Me- You said tt didn’t have anything going on…the other kids did.”

J-“I forgot we have company coming over for dinner tonight.”

Me-Yeah…it was SO important u forgot about it.  Like Tesla would care either if she were given the opportunity to say what she wants to do tonight…anyone can see u r keeping tt from me.”

J-“and can’t you see that I make exceptions to the order all the time.”

Me-Not really.  She could spend more time with me.  It would not hurt anyone.  Not that u would agree.

J-“apparently you never read the order in which states every other weekend.”

Me- Yes..but that can be changed so she can see me more.  U can explain y she isn’t allowed to see me more.  I know why…cause u feel u must control people.  Ur selfish and bitter.

I didn’t get any response after that.  He feels the court order entitles him to limit our time together.

So John…let’s see how much time you have allowed Tesla to see me (as long as I signed a paper stating I understand this is not something that you will allow to happen regularly because you wouldn’t want a pattern forming of your child spending time with her mother.)

Adding up all the hours you have allowed me to spend with Tesla, without you present since this custody order was put in place in November comes to a grand total of: 15 hours  It’s all documented to keep me in my place.

You “allowed” Tesla and I 15 hours together, always under the condition that I return her to our house by the stated time or you will notify the police.  Really, it does feel like I pick her up from prison and return her to her warden.  John, your law enforcement career ended years ago.  You aren’t a prison guard anymore….stop treating the people in your life like they are your ward.

Still doing time,


starved for her giggles

Gasping breaths, quiet sobs. Big, juicy tears well-up and roll down my cheeks.

I miss my child.  The sunshine she brings to my life.  I am starved for her giggles and silly stories.

How we laugh and make up games with funny rules.  It never matters who wins, we both get trophies.

She has stolen my heart and I don’t want it back.  I just need her in my life, that’s all I ask.

I grieve every day I am not able see her.   It tears me up inside….but I push on.

Giving up is not an option.  Not for her or me.

It’s been five days since I saw her last.

Please God, make him let me see her.


someone’s gotta earn the money there

Letters he nevers learn from

Dear John,

Thank you for making the effort to be human today.  I was very upset with you for not making arrangements for Tesla to leave school with me.  It’s bad enough I am no longer “authorized” to pick up my child.  I just don’t grasp your need to tell the school I can never pick up Tesla without your permission.  It seems just a bit extreme to me.  Do you think I’m going to take off in my 92 Ford Accord with highly visible bumper sticker and windshield sticker announcing  “GIRLBOXER1970” and make a run for the Mexican border with Tesla?  Seriously, get a grip.  When Tesla tells me she doesn’t see me enough I respond with, “I agree.  I don’t see you enough either honey, but right now, there isn’t much Mommy can do right now.  I promise to keep working on it.”

Regardless, it was nice to see you realized the error in your ways and made it right.  I just don’t think I should have to beg/guilt you into letting me see her.  I hope this could become a habit for you, sharing our daughter.  Perhaps then your daughter wouldn’t beg me to keep her when I do get to see her.

Finally, don’t jump my throat about Tesla’s homework.  YOU are responsible to check her homework.  This is the third or fourth time she did not have her name on her paper.  You say she did and you saw her write it, yet magically it was not there today.  I don’t need to hear your snide remarks when all I said was “Tesla’s name wasn’t on her homework.”  I also will pass on hearing how you have to go work on jobs now cause “somebody has to earn some money around here.”  What the hell does that have to do with me?  Tell your girlfriend who’s been trying to get a nursing degree for the past 10 years and can’t seem to graduate, to get a job.  Hopefully very little spelling is involved in being a nurse.

I realize you think you’re perfect.  I’m thrilled when you realize you’re not.

Next time, please take care of the note in advance.  I always give you amble notice when I would like to get Tesla, yet you wait until the last-minute to respond.  I sadly have to call block my cell number just so you will answer.  That is just petty.  I take your calls even though I can’t stand to hear your voice.

Man up and take mine!


PS. Please wash Tesla’s purple jacket.  It is filthy.

Maybe it’s just me

but I doubt it.


I believe I have a right to be pissed off that the mortgage I hold with my husband is once again way behind.

He doesn’t have to pay child support or alimony anymore.  He apparently has plenty of money to go on vacation, buy another ATV, build all kinds of wooden structures in our back yard, redesign the inside of our house, redo the landscape of our property, enroll 4 kids in gymnastics at $44 each a month…I could go on, but the point is clear.

His girlfriend still gets alimony and child support….and welfare assistance while living in my house that is behind AGAIN in payments.

I take out school loans to make my rent.  Maybe Heather needs to hurry up and take out a school loan to make my house payments.  John’s explantion in court regarding his ability to come up with $15,000 to keep the house from foreclosured last year  just didn’t make sense.  He said he sold some stuff.  What the fuck is he selling to come up with $15k?  Telling Judge Dorney he had the mortgages current was bullshit and her believing him without making him prove it just shows how bad she screwed up.  The mortgage hasn’t been current since I lived there with John.

I get very little time with my child, yet the bitch living in my house sees Tesla like she is her mother.   I don’t see that Heather is even talented at taking care of her own children.  Just my opinion, of course.

Like I said, maybe it’s just me.  I have been sick for the past 12 hours.  Food poisoning I think and thank God I’m feeling better.

I’ve asked to see Tesla over and over.  My requests fall on deaf ears.  It’s all about John’s need to feel he is in control.

Divorce wanted,



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