It pisses him off


I haven’t written about life in a long while. My need to write or fear or explosion is gone, but this not writing at all is unacceptable. It’s my husband and television to blame.

I had someone who has been reading my blog, from the beginning, in one day, drop me a note.

Hi! I just found your blog today and really love your writing!! It’s comical, edgy, and heart wrenching all in one!

I’m trying to catch up on the story… did your divorce ever get finalized? Did your ex marry Heather? Are you still with Dale? Who is Brian? Sorry… I know I’m cheating like flipping to the end of the book! LOL

I’ve skimmed through as many posts as I have time for (at work!) and can’t seem to find these milestone posts! Hope you and your daughter are doing quite well!

Good to know I can help someone get through their day at work. LOL

Ok, so I’ll just kinda pick up with today.

Even though I divorced John over a year ago, my name is still on the mortgage. He had six months to remove my name. We went to court 6 weeks ago and I said he could have two more months to assume the remaining mortgage or remortgage our property. This was part of the settlement and a payment plan that I agreed to stretch-out for 8.1 years so he could easily afford it and keep the house.

He hasn’t even applied. I talk to Wells Fargo more then he does and I don’t even live there. I’m over his drama. So, it’s back to court again.

Brian had to pick up Tesla at John’s tonight. I felt bad for him to be honest, because I know John can’t shut up. No matter who he’s around, he has to bitch about me. So John’s mouth is running like that proverbial duck’s backside and Brian let’s him ramble on and on as entertainment.

It’s worthy to note that John thinks I act differently in front of Brian then how I would if he weren’t present. John implied that I actually wasn’t the great person that Brian believes. Really John. It’s over. Let it go. I’m married to Brian now. (Is the song in your head suddenly?)

Part of his rambling was about Tesla not wanting to go to Disney World next year with us over Father’s Day weekend. I told Tesla we would go then because it fit everyone’s schedule that was attending. She feels guilty and wants to be home with her dad. I get that, but there are eight people involved in this trip. Brian’s parents are taking us, and now Brian is trying to work out other dates with his nephew’s and son’s schedule. Yes, I’m frustrated.

I think John should have been supportive considering the situation and just said to Tesla that it’s fine for her to go on a week’s trip to Disney and spend Father’s Day with her stepdad and step grandfather next year. But hey, that’s just my opinion.

I have other opinions. Like Dale should stop trying to contact me. Yeah, that PFA has expired but that doesn’t mean I want be friends. My friends don’t even want to be his friend. Dale shouldn’t be texting John to tell me “hi” and John shouldn’t be telling Tesla to tell me that Dale says hi. WTH? Dale and John are both duh, and I’m being nice.

So my favorite part of Brian telling me about John’s monologue is: John said it pisses him off every month when he has to sign that $500 check that’s being mailed to me.

That made my night.


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Wading through the unknown

Bring it on

Bring it on

So I filed for divorce this week, or something like that at least. Technically, John filed for divorce five years ago, but that was just to “scare” me. I guess I wasn’t scared enough. That’s when a funny thing happened, he didn’t pursue the divorce and it hung out there in limbo, keeping my life in limbo with it. It’s been painful emotionally, but I’m a survivor. A tough, country girl that isn’t taking shit from anyone anymore.

I don’t know what to expect out of divorce court. I imagine John will dredge up the past, attempting to humiliate me even more that what he already has. I look at it this way: I have nothing to lose and everything to gain, and sticks and stones can break my bones but his words can no longer hurt me. He doesn’t get to yell in my face that I’m a fucking piece of shit, that I’m a terrible mother, that I’m nothing but a thief and a liar. He can’t pin me against the wall, hold me down on the bed or lock me in a bedroom or closet. He isn’t able to push me around physically or emotionally. I’ve taken my life back and it is better a hundred times over. Yeah, I have little money and material items, but I have my pride and it will never be taken from me again.

The laws in Pennsylvania are pretty clear when it comes to divorce. Husband and wife split the debts and assets 50/50. I’ve waited 5 years so when the ruling gets handed down, I’ll be doing the happy dance while John’s head swivels around like Linda Blair’s. I don’t trust him to stick to any court-ordered monthly payment and I don’t feel bad if he has to sell the house because he sure as hell didn’t give a damn if I had somewhere to live or not. In fact, he used it against me in gaining custody of Tesla.

This divorce will finally bring closure to a long, painful experience in my life. It can’t come soon enough.

Karma baby, Karma.

I cried after class


I broke down and cried after my India class. We had met the founder of HOINA, the orphanage I’ll be teaching at, and I stayed after to talk to Mrs. Large.  She won’t be in India while we are because for the first time in 25 years, she will be staying home, in the Lancaster area I believe, to celebrate her daughter’s birthday. Her daughter is turning 50.


Mrs. Large believes God is 100% behind her in the path she took in her life. She was a teacher in the 1960’s and in 1971 she realized God intended for her to adopt children and bring them into her home. She believed he intended for her to adopt American Indian children, but on her first attempt, was completely shut down.  If she wasn’t at least a 1/3 Indian herself, she could not adopt an Indian child.  She was crushed and unclear of what her next steps should be.

In 1975 she met a gentleman named Dr. Livingston and she told him about her calling to adopt American Indian children.  Dr. Livingston told her she needed to come to India, his county, where there were thousands of children in need of homes.

Mrs. Large quit her job, and with her husband and children by her side, she traveled to India. Her husband was certain she had lost her mind, but there was no talking her out of it. On August 3, 1975, they moved to India and in a unanimous vote, they adopted a little girl.  Mrs. Large realized immediately-they needed to build an orphanage.

In 1978, Mrs. Large rented a house for $15 a month and 7 young boys lived there. All seven graduated college and have numerous personal achievements. After a fire that burned much of the village, the rented house remained but the rent was raised to a ridiculous amount of money.  So with $2,900 and a grant for $10k, they bought 1.75 acres and built an orphanage. This land became over-run with cobras. The neighboring community worshiped the cobras and regardless of how many that were killed on the orphanage property, no one was safe.  This land was sold for over a million dollars…not a bad profit.

With this money and support of churches and Christian organizations, in 1999, 24 acres was purchased.  The girl’s orphanage on a separate piece of land was sold and for the first time, children of both sexes were housed on one property.  An additional 50 acres has been purchased and now the orphanage compound is nearly 75 acres large and is occupied by 100 boys, 100 girl, staff and their family, 23 cows, 10 goats (that cause much mischief), rabbits and ducks.

Mr. & Mrs. Large (called Papa and Mom by everyone in India, even the local police) have helped raise over 4,000 orphaned or abandoned children since she first acted on the will God intended.

Mom said she knew her calling and now, after saving 4,000 children, humanity is recognizing her calling.


I cried because last night, John said I don’t care about my daughter because I chose to take three weeks after Christmas to make this trip to India. He says I am self-centered and not considerate of others, and I don’t care about Tesla, other than to boo-hoo that I don’t have her and he does.

John would never listen long enough to understand, nor really ever comprehend, what I do.  I told him he could only wish he understood me and he should go back to his little world.

Then he claimed, “I gave you everything, I did everything for you, put up with your bullshit and all you did was stab me in the back over and over.  I can’t believe you would  think I’d even think about being nice to you again. I pray to God our daughter doesn’t grow up with the same attitude you have.”

After I stopped laughing, I said “I can only hope Tesla is more like me and least like you. I don’t care if you’re bitter.  You deserve it. I have an amazing future ahead of me, one that Tesla will be a part of…much more involved than what you allow for now.  The more you say, the more it shows how bitter you still are at our break up. Goodnight.”  (He stopped texting me after that.)

Mrs. Large said she followed where God led her and she trusted in him. I cried because John, like some of Mrs. Large family, tried to make me feel guilty for having faith in God to go to India and make a difference. Papa and Mom said they understood my emotions and I should do what I feel is right. I know this trip is important in my life.

And I really know that I am happy.  Those tears were of relief, I suppose, knowing someone else understands. Tesla and I have talked several times now about this trip.  She wants to go to India someday also.  I will find a way to show Tesla India,  and all the places she wants to see.

It doesn’t matter what John says or thinks. I don’t have to listen to him anymore.

I listen to God.


Dear John~Messenger Service

Letters he never learns from

Letters he never learns from

Dear John,

I didn’t know what you might be calling me for as I pulled up at Tesla’s Girl Scout meeting.  I answered your call, as I usually do. (you should try it)  I can not imagine what could be SO urgent that you would call your wife that wants a divorce, to ask her to tell your girlfriend you must speak to her as soon as possible.

Let me get this straight.  When I text or call you, I might get an answer, or I might not.  I realize you only respond when you feel like it.  So it take some pretty big balls to call your wife and ask her to give your girlfriend a message to return your call.  Yep, that’s some big balls there John.  Huge.

I passed on the message and Heather got to calling you as soon as she possibly could.  She is rather busy on Monday nights as the assistant Girl Scout leader.  I really hope your need to interrupt involved something important.  But I doubt it.

Team player,


Heather Called

I got a call while I was in Rhetorical Theory class.  John wanted to tell me that there was a meeting for the parent’s of the girls that were joining Girl Scouts.  Heck, Tesla even joining Girl Scouts was news to me, but that didn’t surprise me.

I get to the meeting and learn Heather is the Assistant Girl Scout Leader of Tesla’s troop.  That didn’t surprise me.

I filled out papers for Tesla to join.  I gave it to Heather, so she could have John sign on his line.  She told me they already filled out Tesla’s membership paper.  Good, I hope they paid the fee too.  (So much for needing both parents signature) That didn’t surprise me.

John showed up later, stopping before heading into York to play softball.  Tesla was going home with Heather.  That didn’t surprise me.

He said Tesla had a doctor appointment  at 7:45 AM to have her nose cauterized.  This was the first I heard about it.  That didn’t surprise me.

We had a verbal spat about how he is to discuss things like, Girl Scouts and doctor appointments, with me. He blew me off.  That didn’t surprise me.

Heather called me while I was developing film on campus.  She wanted to extend the olive branch and hoped I would be involved in Girl Scouts with Tesla.  That we could get along for what is best for Tesla.  That she doesn’t put herself in the business of John and I getting divorced or the ongoing battle of custody.  I didn’t agree with her opinion and that didn’t surprise me.

She went on and on about how wonder her and her ex husband’s relationship is, and that she would write letters to glorify her ex husband’s new wife and even sign over her children to the new wife, if it were necessary.  I didn’t really follow her thought process.  That didn’t surprise me.

Finally, I just told her she didn’t need to blow smoke up my ass anymore than I needed to blow smoke up hers.  (Maybe she got that, maybe not)  That, while her divorce is final, mine has not even started, and I have no other intention but to pursue the divorce to court and eventually, take custody of Tesla.  That, beyond the entire divorce and custody nightmare, I am glad that Tesla is a happy child even though she was not given the choice of where she wanted to live and that John and I will never agree, and it will always be a matter of what the court decides, until Tesla is old enough to make the decision that the law will take into consideration.  I told Heather, she can say she isn’t “part of the problem” but unless she truly butts out, like Dale does, she will always be part of this three-ring-circus and the way I deal with this circus is to write about it, and go to college.  I told her I am happy to have Girl Scout time with Tesla (since I can barely squeeze any other time out) and that I am certain we can all get along for what is best for our children.  I told her I am tired of being the last person to know anything, and that John’s behavior with screaming at me over being 15 minutes late returning Tesla after the fair was just ridiculous, considering he can’t give me any information about Tesla in the way the courts laid out.  That he claims I am irresponsible, but he instigates problems by disrespecting me in front of Tesla.  While she wouldn’t agree that John acts like a complete Ahole and thinks he is always right, we did manage to have a conversation lasting nearly sixteen minutes where neither of us screamed at the other or hung-up pissed off.

Now that surprised me.


Update: Heather text messaged me that the paper I signed was holding me responsible for any fundraiser money, not giving permission for Tesla to join the Girl Scouts.  Silly me, thinking she might need her mother’s permission to join, not just be responsible for all the money from endless fundraisers.

9/11 a Tragic Day


Several tragic events happening on September 9th have touched my life.

  • The terrorist take-over and the events that unfolded in 2001 will forever be in the memory of all.  God Bless those that lost their lives, their families, co-workers and friends.
  • The electrical fire in 2011 that caused my friend and neighbor’s home to burn to the ground.  Thank God they weren’t home and no one was injured.  A new home, bigger and better was built to replace their destroyed mobile home.
  • Going back to a period of time between those tragic moments, I met the father of my daughter in 2004.  I am torn on an adjective to describe that event.  Perhaps fateful.

And now, in 2013, I celebrate a small victory of personal consequence.  After five years of medically supporting my brain to process and handle the depression I suffered from, I am now anti-depressant free.

Ironically, the need for anti-depressant medication was necessary due to that fateful meeting nine years ago. Go figure.

A stigmata is attached to people who are prescribed medication to adjust the levels of stuff in their brain that keeps them feeling that the weight of life will not crush them into a deflated pile of human rubble. The stigmata attached to depression could be that one is: crazy, lazy, stupid, weird, needy, sad, suicidal, etc.  Don’t fall for the misconceptions quickly associated with depression.

Life is deep and feels like it will suck you down in a dark hole with no way to pull yourself out. People pass by and see you there suffering, but they can’t help you.  You have to want to help yourself.  Not in just finding and sticking to a medication that works for your symptoms, but to also seek a form of counseling or therapy.

Talking things out with a stranger qualified to listen and understand what your words mean, makes the process of healing the wounds on the inside much easier to achieve. I know, because I’ve been there. I went to counseling for four years, and it was time well spent.

There are many more days in my life to enjoy and explore. I welcome each day with open arms because nothing can bring me down again.



Dear John~She Called You Out

Letters he never learns from

Letters he never learns from

Dear John,

I knew your text that Tesla wanted to stay there over the weekend was bullshit.  When I asked Tesla what she did that was exciting over the weekend, she said “Nothing really.  We went swimming.  I got bit by a mule yesterday.”  As I opened the door to Rutter’s, taking Tesla in for lunch after the briefest of meeting with you, I was preparing myself to hear the truth, straight from a seven-year-old.

“I thought maybe you did something special since you didn’t want to come to my house this weekend.” I said.

“I didn’t say that.  I’d never say that, Mom.”

“I tried to call you but your dad didn’t answer.”

“He said I didn’t want to come?  Cause that’s not true.”

“He sent me a text.”

“Let me see it.” she said while we were eating sandwiches, so I handed it to her.  She opened my messages and went right to your name listed as “John the Man” which she finds funny, by the way.  I scrolled down for her, because there were many texts from me to you.  And, I showed it to her, and she was pissed.

You remember when she had me send you photos of her being silly in Rutter’s?  Well she wasn’t being silly in the last photo.  She was pissed because she just realized you lied and put words into her mouth that she never said.  She was mad enough to tell me to text you that she never said that.

Nothing like being called out by your kid.  Ouch.

Now, why is Tesla on some farm, getting bitten by a mule on her ankle and there was no adult in sight?


Suddenly, not so happy.

Suddenly, not so happy.  She looks more like you when she’s angry. 


Dear John~Again with the Control Issues

Letters he never learns from

Letters he never learns from

Dear John,

Time has flown by and summer has passed quickly.  The season is changing and school is just a few days away.  

You, however, haven’t changed a bit.

When you called Wednesday, the 14th, at 8:07 AM, and said I could have Tesla over the weekend, I requested getting her on Sunday, as Dale and I had actually made plans together, to go somewhere on a day-trip, maybe even overnight somewhere, you know, just him and I.  It sounds like “no big deal” to someone like you, but to us it was a special, little, “over-nighter”.

I asked to get Tesla on Sunday, anytime, even at 5 PM like the summer schedule states, but have her go back on Tuesday at 7, or earlier.  I was pretty much willing to go with whatever you said, beings a judge put you in charge and all.  What the hell was that judge thinking?  I just wanted to work this out between us.

So you suggest me picking Tesla up at 4 on Sunday and you retrieving her at 4 on Tuesday.  I immediately said that was fine, and meant it.  Sometimes I say “fine” to you just, because anything else would be inappropriate and you would most likely call the police.

Later, I’m guessing maybe Heather came home and heard we had agreed on the 4-4, Sunday to Tuesday agreement….let me consult my cellphone right now to be accurate….

1:15 PM Pic Message


Now mind you, I have a copy of this entire court order and don’t need you (and Heather) sending me pictures of the document.  When we were talking about this weekend and before Tesla starts school, it was trying to arrange more time for Tesla to be with me.  If you would like, I can take a picture of the court order where it states you should allow Tesla time with her mother beyond what is mandated.  Actually, I posted a copy of the entire court order online, and if you want, refer to it by page number there in the future.  That way, I won’t have to see Heather’s attempt of spelling Christmas and final decision to just write X-mas. <—custody order

At 1:27 PM I noticed your picture message and replied “We have an agreement.”  Seriously John, we HAD a verbal agreement.

AT 1:29 PM You responded “The court order clearly states what I thought that’s why I offered you the weekend so I guess we will just follow the court order.”

At 1:35 I responded “John 4 on Sunday to 4 on Tuesday is fine.  Why make a big deal out of what we already agreed on.”

You never responded to my text.  I think I called once, maybe twice.  Finally Tesla did call me Thursday and when I mentioned seeing her Sunday she immediately said she couldn’t come.  Do you hear the sound of her voice when she has to tell me such things?  Of course when you and I got on the phone you said I had my chance and passed.  What the hell John?!  Way to make it sound like I don’t want my child when you KNOW I do and you KNOW she is standing right there listening.  So I say, “Fine, I’ll get her Friday and she can just go where ever we go.”   Your response was exactly what I thought it would be…”I’ll let you know.”

What the hell do you mean you’ll let me know?  I don’t hear back from you for another day making it clear I wasn’t getting her on Friday.

Way to screw with my weekend, which I’m sure you enjoy.

I had texted you three times Friday, trying to get an answer.

August 16th 8:22 AM “Time I can get TT Friday?”

1:31 PM  “Are you letting TT come with me today?”

5:47 PM “Is Tesla allowed to come visit please?”

Finally, at 6:14 you text me this: “She said she like to stay here for the weekend.”  You also aren’t taking my phone calls, making it clear I can’t talk to Tesla.

At 6:34 I wrote you “So can I have her at all before school starts?  I’m sure she would like at least a day.  Please ask her.  Ty”

This morning I texted you at 8:54 AM “Are you going to let me see our daughter before school starts?”

At noon I texted you “Do you think ignoring me is appropriate?”

I still haven’t heard from you John and it is now Saturday night.  I don’t get you and I don’t appreciate being ignored.

Your controlling behavior will be your downfall.  Perhaps you should retake the kids first class because I don’t think you grasped a single concept of the “learning how to be a good co-parent for your child” program.

Will I see Tesla this weekend?  Monday?  Tuesday?  Technically, you can make me wait until next Friday at 5 to see Tesla again.

Will you do that, propping yourself up with the court order as justification to keep Tesla to yourself?

How about giving the “court order” bullshit a rest?  And if Tesla doesn’t want to visit with me, she is capable of telling me herself.

That way I will believe it, because I don’t believe even half the shit you tell me.

You and your usual ways.




Dear John~6 days

Letters he never learns from

Letters he never learns from

Dear John,

After six days of not seeing Tesla and barely getting to speak to her on the phone, was it really to much for me to ask for 30 minutes with her to play down on the playground?  It is insulting to not only me, but Tesla also, when you say in front of her and anyone within listening range that “Tesla is going home to eat dinner with her family.”

I am her mother, you moron.  As much as you would like to pretend I don’t exist or count in her life, I very much count to her.  Who do you think is REALLY asking?  As soon as she sees me, she begins begging to leave with me or at least spend some time with me.  She’s afraid to ask you, so she asks me to do it for her.  Basically, you are telling Tesla she can’t have time with me that she desperately wants.  I drive ridiculous lengths to spend as much time with, or at least looking at, Tesla.  Asking for 30 minutes and being refused just proves your selfishness and desperate need to control Tesla and I.

Someday, just like I told her, she won’t have to deal with your stupid drama.  That’s not putting her in the middle, it’s telling her the truth.


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