Your crutch and spew

Save your breath I don’t want to hear you speak there is nothing you can say that will ever save the day.

You wanted your piece of pie then shouted out your mean goodbye now I don’t cry.

My world cannot crumble even when I fumble you’re so out of touch because I was your crutch.

Kiss my ass I don’t need you no one does or ever will don’t believe me I won’t care.

Raise your hand you can’t hurt me now I don’t miss you not then not now.

You didn’t complete me for I needed no one to make me whole.

I have God my children my family and my friends who will stick by me until the end.

One day you will find yourself alone sitting at the table spewing out your hate and blame in your clueless mind frame.

more than lenient

How I still feel

According to the wise one who dictates when I may see Tesla, I was informed he is  “more than lenient” with Tesla’s visits.  Does he mean lenient to me….or to Tess?  Either way, I don’t see much leniency for either.  I think John is permanently stuck in the “Prison Guard Mentality” for life.

Definition of LENIENT Adj.

1: exerting a soothing or easing influence : relieving pain or stress
2: of mild and tolerant disposition; especially: indulgent

lenient [ˈliːnɪənt]


1. showing or characterized by mercy or tolerance

Examples of LENIENT

  1. a teacher who is lenient with students who have misbehaved
  2. Many people felt that the punishment was too lenient.
  3. By giving one more person—the executive—the power to reduce (but not to increase) punishments, our constitutions (both Federal and state) seem to be sending an important message: that in a world in which errors are inevitable, it is better to err on the side of overly lenient, rather than overly harsh, punishment. —Alan M. Dershowitz, New York Times Book Review, 16 July 1989

Does John understand the meaning of lenient?

I usually get notice at the last moment on when I can see Tesla.  Then there are days when I think I will see her and he changes her schedule to suit his.  I believe a set day that Tesla and I know John will be “lenient” with on a weekly basis would be great!

The whining about my Facebook status and blog content can stop, oh wise one.  Even better, just co-operate in sharing Tesla more equally and I won’t have a reason to bitch.  Does he even get sharing?

He does understand Bitterman though.



Is she sick?

I went to gymnastics tonight, looking forward to seeing Tesla practice.  I arrived early and was working on my Spanish while I waited for Tesla to arrive with her father. (Originally, I thought I would get her after school.  That was not permitted.)  Then I thought I would at least get to drive her home  after practice.

Well, that didn’t happen either.  At 5:52 PM I get a text from John.

“No gymnastics tonight all children have upset stomachs.”

Are you serious?  Eight minutes before gymnastics starts he texts me they aren’t coming.  I wrote back, “Why did you wait until now to tell me!?  I am at gym already.”  He didn’t respond which I expected. I called.  Voicemail.  😦

I texted him “Please let tt call me.”  No response.

I tried calling again.  Voicemail.  I let a message asking what is wrong with all the children?  Tesla had been complaining of stomach pains over my weekend with her.  I let her father know about the pain, low grade fever and what medication I gave her.  He called me later, asking again because Tesla was still hurting.

At 8:10 I texted “Please have tt call me.”  No response.

I have the right to speak to my daughter.  The right to know what is wrong with her and if she is going to be taken to see our doctor.


I want to say goodnight to my child, especially if she doesn’t feel good.




Dear John~ domestics debacle

Letters he nevers learns from

Dear John,

It wasn’t good to see you this morning.  I’m sure you felt the same way.

I was surprised when you came alone.  No lawyer in tow today?  I wonder why that is…did you feel you had everything under control yourself?  Or your lawyers weren’t available?  Your lawyers quit?  My lawyer sent him a letter back in December and so far, no response.  You know, I had a lawyer quit a couple of years back when this divorce process was started….by you.  He quit shortly after you emptied our entire house of everything and didn’t tell me.  Was I really surprised you did that?  No.  I didn’t have Tesla with me when I went there for the first time.  I thank God I didn’t because I don’t know how I would have explained where everything was.  You took out everything in 24 hours, even Tesla’s belongings.  I have pictures of this pathetic attempt to control things in the house.  Any respect I still had for you vanished that day.

Back to domestics, did you notice this time Carla was actually showing interest in what exactly our marriage situation is?  Perhaps they are going to look a little deeper at our case?  Or, maybe she was just being nosey ya know?  Asking the questions she did.  You have to admit, it is all fascinating.  The only draw back: it’s our life and what’s left of “our life” is just wrapping it up.  It really pisses me off that I am no longer entitled to alimony because I have a man living in my home. What kind of bullshit is that?  I’m not married to Dale, I’m married to YOU.  It’s not even about the money since it wasn’t that much.  It’s just the damn point.

What blows my mind is that you are going to file for child support.  Even Carla seemed surprised that you are insisting on holding me to pay you support.  You really do want it all don’t you?  The business, the house, our child and support payments to boot.  I tried to talk to you about support and you just refuse to even listen.  All you have to do is sign a piece of paper saying you do not request support.  Is that really asking too much?  The amount you would receive will be just as sad as my hourly rate.  It’s ironic that when we met, you told me to tell my son’s father he didn’t have to pay me the $200 a month support for Jarrid and Zeth.  Do you remember?  Saying to me, “$200 dollars a month is nothing.”  When I asked you what you thought I should have to pay you, your response was, “That’s up to the courts to decide.”  Since when do you want a court to decide anything?!

SO,  instead of me  wasting my time “looking for a job” or making a pitiful hourly wage, just realize how this will affect Tesla.    This will take away my availability to see Tesla, to study hard to keep my GPA high, and take care of my home.  Those are my “jobs” and  I have taken school loans out to the tune of $15,000 so far just to pay rent and live.  Oh, since we are still married, you are responsible for half….

Please take a moment and really think this over.  What’s best for Tesla is to spend time with her parents.  What is best for any child is to spend time with their parents and since we are separated we have to split her time.  It should be as equal as we can make it while living in different school districts.  I’ve never kept Tesla from you and ask that you would do the same for me.  She needs her mother to be part of her schedule, not an after-thought, every other weekend.  The more she sees me, the easier it will be for her to accept that she has to live with you.  She said to me that she told you she wanted to live with me and you told her “no.” Yes, legally, she is in your “custody” and you don’t have to share that time with me.   It is just selfish that you don’t want to.  I don’t ask for unreasonable amounts of time to see Tesla or even over night.  That threat you made, “You better drop this or I won’t let you see her except for every other weekend.”  You are threatening me with seeing her less, because I am asking to see her more than every other weekend.  Why would I drive there if she had no interest in going away with me?  She wants to see me.

There is no reason we can’t work out a schedule for Tesla and I to spend time together on a regular basis.

There is no reason I should have to get a part-time job to pay you support when every cent our moving company makes, you keep.

There is no reason Dale should be held responsible for me when I am still fucking married to you.

I am not saying I think you should have to pay child support to me.  What I am saying is: I think you are requesting child support just to be a jerk.  To make my life harder, which seems to make you happy.  I get that you want me to know you are “in control” of Tesla.  The person who doesn’t get it, is Tesla.  Our divorce is causing too much stress on her.

Let’s make a goal for 2012.  All four of us should try to get divorced from our spouses so we can get on with our lives.  Maybe then, Dale and I CAN get married!

I pray every night for this part of our lives to be finalized.  God doesn’t answer my prayers any faster than your lawyer answers letters.

See you tomorrow 🙂


Tesla and I are looking forward to Wednesday afternoon and spending time together.  Please allow her and I to spend a few hours together before gymnastics.  It really means a lot to her.

P.S.  I just got off the phone with you.  How dare you tell me to get a job and help support our daughter?  The nerve of you to tell me times are tough when you just took a week’s vacation before Christmas.  You haven’t paid any support since November yet I survived.  Now you don’t have to pay support at all and I will survive.   I can not believe you said “all this time you have to volunteer in Tesla’s class, you could be working.”  It’s crystal clear you are limiting my time with Tesla because you have been “granted” power by Judge Dorney.   You said it yourself on the phone, just now, because you don’t want me part of her routine.

It saddens me that you just don’t get that you are hurting Tesla.  What she says is HER words.  I don’t “tell” her what to say nor do I put ideas in her head.  I give her honest answers to her questions and anything I say, she is free to tell you.    I don’t listen in on your conversations, nor limit how long you talk to Tesla.  You on the other hand, do both.    You have given me permission to take Tesla home after gymnastics.  If that’s all the time you will allow me, I guess there is nothing I can do.  It’s Tesla who will be disappointed she can’t go to dinner with her cousin Blaine because she has to eat dinner at home, on schedule, as a family.  In my humble opinion (which I realize means nothing to you) she should have a night during the week when I can pick her up and we can do things with her cousin, brothers, friends, etc.

Like I said at domestics today, in the long run you’ll see the error in your ways.  You should retake the Kids First Class.  I really don’t think you learned a damn thing.

Also, since you claim not to read my blog, I will email this to you.  That way you, Heather and LaDonna can all have the opportunity to read it together.


Go see the Principal

What’s the worst thing a teacher can say to a student?  Go to Principal “Doe’s” office.  That statement strikes fear in all students.

I remember in Dover Middle School,  getting caught with chewing gum in my mouth by Mr. Gohn, not once but twice.  He told me to put the gum on the end of my nose.  This was 7th grade I believe and there was no way in hell I was putting gum on the end of my nose and setting myself up for ridicule by my classmates.  OH HELL NO!  So I refused and Mr. Gohn said, “You have two options, put the gum on your nose or go to Principal Keller’s office.”  I stood up and said, “I’ll go to the office.”  Mr. Gohn paused and said “really?” and I replied, “yes.”   He raised his hands up and said, “well, ok then, go.”

I went to the office and was given detention that afternoon.  Ironically, the assistant principal was on detention duty that day and told us to leave as soon as he walked in the door.  Score one for team Pattie.

Now today was different.  I was told to go see the principal because….I now have to follow Canadochly Elementry school’s 6 day cycle and can only volunteer on day 6, after noon.  For the past three weeks, I had been volunteering in Tesla’s class one day a week on a Monday, Wednesday or Friday.  Ms. Dettinger and I would get in touch and decide a day that worked with my college classes.  Keep in mind, there are parents that come in everyday.   While the children were at music class, Ms. Dettinger asked me out to the hall.  She explained I can come in on day 6 and John can come on day 3.

I started to cry in the hall.  What kind of bullshit is this?  I can’t volunteer in my daughter’s class now because John called the office and laid down some strict schedule for when I can come in.  I see no reason for this restriction.  John has not volunteered in Tesla’s room so far this year.  If he can only make time on “Day 3 after noon” that is his scheduled time and I would respect that.  It should not cause me to lose time in Tesla’s classroom just because he isn’t going on any other days.
Adding salt to my wound, I learn Tesla has not done her homework for the past two days.  My head felt like it was going to rupture.  Why the hell isn’t Tesla getting her homework done?  John won’t let me see Tesla after school, pick her up from school or let me do homework with her.   Yet he isn’t doing homework with her!  How is this happening?  He states I can’t get Tesla after school because she has a strict schedule (and he isn’t allowing me to be part of it.)  Apparently homework isn’t making the schedule either.

I’ll be seeing the principal very soon and getting to the bottom of this.

With a tablet and pencil in hand,


Dear Heather~who’s book bag

Dear Heather,

Since having a conversation with you or John is impossible, I will address this problem with a letter.

What exactly is the reasoning behind Tesla not being allowed to take her book bag home when I pick her up?  Even if YOU did pay for it, isn’t it still Tesla’s?  Or did you write Heather King on the inside and I missed it?

Why does Tesla have “special clothes” that she can only wear while visiting her dad?  Are your children wearing the same clothes as Tesla?  Is there confusion with all the handwritten “Dad” and “Mom” on the tags?

Your actions and refusal to allow Tesla her belongings has an effect on Tesla and shows how pathetic you are in trying to control MY daughter’s life.

If Tesla owns something, whether it is clothing, book bag, toys etc. she should be able to have her belongings with her no matter which home she is at.

You don’t own my child.


%d bloggers like this: