9/11 a Tragic Day


Several tragic events happening on September 9th have touched my life.

  • The terrorist take-over and the events that unfolded in 2001 will forever be in the memory of all.  God Bless those that lost their lives, their families, co-workers and friends.
  • The electrical fire in 2011 that caused my friend and neighbor’s home to burn to the ground.  Thank God they weren’t home and no one was injured.  A new home, bigger and better was built to replace their destroyed mobile home.
  • Going back to a period of time between those tragic moments, I met the father of my daughter in 2004.  I am torn on an adjective to describe that event.  Perhaps fateful.

And now, in 2013, I celebrate a small victory of personal consequence.  After five years of medically supporting my brain to process and handle the depression I suffered from, I am now anti-depressant free.

Ironically, the need for anti-depressant medication was necessary due to that fateful meeting nine years ago. Go figure.

A stigmata is attached to people who are prescribed medication to adjust the levels of stuff in their brain that keeps them feeling that the weight of life will not crush them into a deflated pile of human rubble. The stigmata attached to depression could be that one is: crazy, lazy, stupid, weird, needy, sad, suicidal, etc.  Don’t fall for the misconceptions quickly associated with depression.

Life is deep and feels like it will suck you down in a dark hole with no way to pull yourself out. People pass by and see you there suffering, but they can’t help you.  You have to want to help yourself.  Not in just finding and sticking to a medication that works for your symptoms, but to also seek a form of counseling or therapy.

Talking things out with a stranger qualified to listen and understand what your words mean, makes the process of healing the wounds on the inside much easier to achieve. I know, because I’ve been there. I went to counseling for four years, and it was time well spent.

There are many more days in my life to enjoy and explore. I welcome each day with open arms because nothing can bring me down again.



Suicide and that Helpless Feeling



Suicide.  People take their lives everyday around the world.  Each person has their reason, some never sharing why.  It crushes the world of those left behind; they must work hard to get past the loss of someone they love.  Survivors are left sorting out where they felt they went wrong.  What signals they missed.

What if you never felt loved by your family?  If you had no friends, no family, and moved from town to town?  It pains me to think of all the children in the world that are suffering at the hands of their own parents, and can not find a safe person to reach out for help.

I’ve become friends with a young man who has been through hell.  Brutality, starvation and isolation his entire life.  His only allies were his siblings.  By finally alerting the police while his parents were away, he removed himself and his brothers and sisters from this house of hell and is free from the abuse, but he is anger, depressed and suicidal.  We are talking and I am praying for him..  I ask that you pray for him also.  His name begins with an M.  God will know who your are praying about.  Pray for his parents also, to realize their sins and the damage they have caused to their children.

I will share more.

God Bless and thank you for reading.  I have genuine concern about this young man and would be sad beyond words if he dies at his own hands, now that he has taken over his life.


This is the shit that pisses me off

You know how they say family will always be there for you?

Well it’s a crock of shit depending on what family members you are talking about.  I know outside family sees Walt differently than us insiders.  Get over it.  Auntie Jane doesn’t read my blog anymore.  Truth hurts and that was just about her brother.  Maybe she’s afraid I will write about her…

Not only is my father forcing my mother to move to Shippensburg, he is pushing at least 3 of his 4 children so far away from him that he might as well move to China.  We don’t want to speak to Walt and he knows it.  He doesn’t think he is “Sam’s best friend” anymore.

Us three, who have been very active in our mothers life, (and I can speak for us 3 we are in agreement) we don’t want her to move at all.

Now I learn from Mom, that Walt is using Delauter’s A1 Moving Helpers to move them to Shippensburg, PA.  That is near the moon in my eyes…Sam’s and Susan’s eyes also.

We want mom to stay here.  Until the house sells, I’m not sure why Walt is taking everything and moving.

Dear ole Walt uses the moving company that his daughter is half owner of knowing the disaster divorce she is involved in with the other owner…you know…even if it’s for free it pisses me off.  Because everything that needs to be taken care of, before anyone will buy the house, has been paid for with Sam’s money.  I’m not saying Sam is great with handling his money.  Sam needs to tear up this power of attorney Dad has for him.  Sam asked me in the past to be his POA and I said yes.  Suddenly Walt took Sam and became the POA.

Sam needs a POA that is in his best interest.  Not Walt.

It’s a huge disaster in Crider land and we each have our own little mess.  Suz needs to get a job asap, but has been with mom everyday while she recovers from bowel surgery.  I would be very sore if someone cut part of my bowels away.

This was a minor surgery in my Mom’s world.  I love my mom like you wouldn’t believe….she was a great mom while I was growing up.  I have amazing memories with my mom, my friends from school, the neighbors….Dolores Theresa Crider also known as Lorrie, was the bomb as a mom.  Funny, pretty, cooked everyday, loved my friends, was easy to get along with and had a wonderful laugh.  She is still that woman, but very worn down over the years.  Not only her body, but her sense of self.  Walt will do that to a person.  She should have left years ago….but she didn’t and now she feels she can’t.  It doesn’t have anything to do with love.  She said he came back from Vietnam a different man.  End of story.  She filled her life with her children….Walt was there while we grew up.  Mom wanted us around….Walt, not so much.


It seems as though Walt and John have to be buddies.  They are both so self-centered it’s no wonder they still chat.  John doesn’t do things for free.  Hell I had to pay the company to move Tesla and me!  John wanted me to pay cash….there’s a post about it somewhere.  I wound up writing a check to the company and not the employee who worked for me with the move.

Ok, I’m calmer now.  Edit, post…call Mom back.

The two main men I am tied to are royal pain in the ass.


To Write Love on Her Arms

Jamie Tworkowski

Choose not to be alone.

Jamie Tworkowski spoke on campus about his non-profit movement known as “To Write Love on Her Arms” (TWLOHA) and just for kicks, he brought along his friend and musician Anthony Raneri of Bayside.  The tickets were a twofer; something you get two at once, Jamie and Anthony appearing on one stage.

If you went to the presentation, you know exactly what TWLOHA is and if you didn’t go, read the previous issue of The Spartan.  What I want to write about is Mr. Tworkowski as an individual.

If I had to describe Tworkowski with one word it would be “cool.” He is so cool you want to know him.  He came in and spilled his guts about his life. Carefree, surfer dude type of guy. He had a nice job with a big racing company and he quit to raise awareness of depression, suicide, self injury, addiction, and all the “stuff” people are afraid to talk about. Twork (my nickname for him) said, “People need other people to help us carry the weight of life.”

Twork was a guy that made the audience think “slacker.”  He admitted he was a slacker and was amazed himself when he landed a dream job with Quicksilver followed by Hurley.   He experienced two life changing events.  A friend, Renee needed support while she came down from drug use.  Twork recorded five days with her in written form.  Following her admittance to rehab, Twork shared his story about just being there for her as a friend.  He also had an associate at work commit suicide and this prompted him to make a difference in people’s lives.  Twork is one hell of a guy and brutally honest.  He said, “People are afraid of what response we are met with when we talk about stuff.  Suicide prevention is in knowing others are out there that care.”

These were wise words for a college drop-out, surfer dude.  He dressed to blend in on campus and I estimate he is in his early thirties now.  While he didn’t encourage dropping out of college, he did open my eyes at how much of an impact this dorky guy had through the internet.  I don’t think Twork would mind if I called him dorky.  He seemed to know he is goofy and it is a very charming trait for someone who has taken up public speaking.  Twork made the sound-system squeal, he didn’t pay much attention to his surroundings and I noticed his habit of taking the lid off his water and putting it back on without taking a sip.  A nervous reaction I suppose.  He also would go off on a tangent and forget what he was talking about.  I’m not sure how he manages to squeeze so much humor into such a sad topic but dude pulled it off.  Twork is just an average joe who was there for a friend in need and kicked off what has become a world-wide support system.  He believes, “you are born to be known and your uniqueness is priceless.”  His message is of hope and that help is real and I believed in his message.  Everyone in the room believed in his message and that is why he is successful as what he does.

Parenting Woes – Take #3763 – Teenage Depression

When a teenager becomes depressed.  Divorce is hard on kids.

Parenting Woes – Take #3763 – Teenage Depression.

When life is good

How often do you give a quick reply of “good” when asked how your life is?  “Good” is probably the most often response used.  When we respond is it automatic?  It’s certainly the easiest answer.  People really don’t want to hear about your problems do they?

My friend from highschool, Kym Guss Buchanan wrote in her status update:

Oh Happy Day! Tests came
back…still cancer free! So ready for my fabulous future! Bring it on…so
ready to rumble! Working on making some career goals a reality! Planning more
into the future now. Sharing special times with my hubby and daughter…spending
time with my terrific friends and family…
so much to enjoy!!!! I feel
fabulous and Life is SO good!!!!

That was SO good to read because I get how short life can be.  The wonderful news that Kym is cancer free renews my faith in God and reminds me that good things do happen.

While I struggle daily with not a physical illness, but a mental illness, I love and appreciate all the support I get from my family and friends.  It’s good to know, especially in dealing with depression for the past 3 years, that I have my peeps out there backing me.  Everyday I feel stronger and excited for the future.  I couldn’t do that without my family and friends and that is exactly what I was missing out on in life during my 5 year marriage.

Still unpacking the damn boxes,


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