We’re Approved


I haven’t written much lately. Since graduating college I’ve gotten divorced, moved out of my townhouse, filed an appeal for custody, started a new job, and went on my first vacation since 2008. In other words, I’ve been busy.

The divorce seemed anti-climatic. John sure as hell didn’t want to risk going to court so we reached an agreement, one that he whines about constantly. Just pay the debts and your alimony and shut up already. He seems to forget this was the divorce he originally wanted. Now his relationship with his current girlfriend seems shaky. I mean, I just hear things through the grapevine (NOT TESLA), and it ain’t all sunshine and rainbows shooting out of his ass when he farts.

I moved into Brian’s house that he already owned and we applied for a mortgage together. The bank had already begun foreclosure steps so we were taking a huge chance by giving up my townhouse and just crossing our fingers they would remortgage the house. I went on faith, faith in God and in Brian that things would work out, and they did. After the approval went through Brian said he had been worried because his lawyer told him they might not approve it because he hadn’t made payments in a year. (He and his ex had decided to buy a house from her parents so they let this one go.) I’m glad he kept that to himself since I have sleeping issues already. We refinished the hardwood floors before knowing if they were going to approve it but we’ve held off on putting up vinyl siding. Now that everything is good to go, we can’t wait to have new siding so our house isn’t the scary one on the street.

Custody court is September 8th and I am PUMPED! I can’t see any reason why Judge Platts wouldn’t agree that Tesla should spend a week with me and a week with her father. I am certain Tesla and I will be successful in getting her to be shared equally between her father and I. The longer and harder her father tries to keep majority custody, the more of a horses ass he appears.

I have a great new job at Maple Press as the plant manager’s administrative assistant. I’m really into the position because there are so many facets to the job. I do the everyday stuff like answering the phone and scheduling vacation for the 103 employees, but I also get to write letters to customers, check books for quality, create programs for inventory control and even learn how to run some of the machinery. Now that is diverse and I pride myself on being diverse. My boss is extremely happy with my past experience and my performance so far and stresses that he wants me to be happy with my position at Maple Press. He also told me not to feel as though I can’t advance within the company. Give me a few years, I’ll know this book printing business inside and out!

Brian’s parents took us on vacation to Top Sail, NC for a week. We had a great time swimming in the ocean and shell hunting. Tesla got a cool kite and had her first kite flying experience. The pool at the resort was top-notch and we spent lots of hours splashing and sunning ourselves. Matthew and Tesla bickered like brother and sister and Brian and I just rolled our eyes and tried to over-look the “he said, she said” statements.

The only downside to life these days is my mom has been really sick. After 6 months in the Pittsburgh hospital she finally was discharged but she’s been in and out of the Chambersburg hospital since. I saw her today. She’s home after 3 days in, but still has an infection in her blood. I pray for my mom all the time. Doesn’t seem right that she suffers so much when she’s been such a wonderful person and a great mother.

Brian and I are searching for a home church. We will be checking out one in York in two weeks that is more progressive. The LCBC (Lives Changed By Christ) church on North Hills Road came highly recommended so that will be our next “church shopping” experience following a Labor Day weekend get-away with close friends to their cabin.

So that’s the latest. Living life to the fullest with no regrets!

She’s “like” a stepmom, but still the girlfriend


My daughter and I are setting up her “yard sale special” toys of the day, also included is the $5 stuffed dalmatian puppy she bought with her $2 and Mom’s donation of $3.29.  Now Tesla is practicing and showing amazing improvements, in her photography skills.  Ying also makes an excellent subject for this photo opportunity.

Dog obedience class

We love doing things together, one on one.  She feels so good when we are giggling at silly songs, making play-doh animals and baking brownies.  Tesla loves being the center of attention and her time with me always puts her, spot on.  She is the only child at my house and she knows this. 

Ying and my $5 "new to me" VCR

The current issue is where Tesla falls in at her dads.  Heather, John’s girlfriend, wants Tesla to view her as a “step-mom” figure as they all live under the same roof.  That roof also happens to have my name on the deed.  Tesla is going to school from that address, against my wishes.  Why do I have an issue with Tesla going to school at Eastern?  Because I don’t live there anymore and one way or another I want my name severed from John’s.  Severed, as not slowly rotting away, fraying and twisting until it snaps.  The cart is put before the horse in assuming John’s permanant residence will remain at our house.

Note the chocolate pudding lips

So there is Heather, living at my house and attending every function of Tesla’s life as a “step-mom” figure, yet she is the girlfriend.  She has been acting as the “step-mom” since February of this year and moved in full-time on March 11, 2011.  Keep in mind the previous, previous girlfriend who had lived in my house also, had just moved out on October 7, 2010.  At least one woman in-between that I met was named Shirley.  I didn’t see much of her but John seemed to have her car on a regular basis.  Better on gas, I’m sure.

Anyway, back to Heather. She is volunteering in Tesla’s Kindergarten class at school.  I haven’t even had a chance to volunteer, yet she has jumped right in there.  She may very well only have good intentions but come on, give Momma a break here.  Heather has 4 children of her own.  She can volunteer in their classes.

Tesla asked me today if I was her mom!  I told her “yes, sweetie, I’ll always be your mom” and didn’t question her why she might think I wouldn’t be.


I carried her for nine months, lost consciousness during birth, came back from the fuzzy clouds and still pushed her out.

No doubts here,


P.S. Tesla has no idea that I know Heather helped in her classroom and I have no intentions of mentioning it to her.

Dear John VI


Dear John,

This one will be short as I’m dashing off to see my boyfriend, Dale Hollinger.  I’m sure you already have done your research, or at least had LaDonna fill you in.  Isn’t she just a great office manager?  Hopefully she is keeping the books very accurate for everyone’s sake.  Have you given her a raise since I did last?  Back in 2009?  You know she graduated top of her class and I can’t imagine she’s going to stick at the office forever.  Why would she?!

Back to me leaving my home to visit with friends; I miss Tesla.  If she were here tonight, she would get to visit my awesome friends also.  I hope you are spending quality time with Tesla in some fashion, or another.  I want Tesla to have the closeness she has with me, with you.

Our court date is approaching quickly, August 19th, I believe.  Will things get decided so Tesla can start school?  Once we can get over this hurdle, we can take the next leap over divorce.  I have to write Heather soon.  I see her so often with you and Tess.  Does she have a job?  I know how you like your women to stay in the home.

No longer caged,



Dear John Letter

Dear John,

I know my last post on your birthday wasn’t very nice, but sometimes in life you encounter someone who just deserves that type of birthday greeting. 🙂  I can’t take it back as it’s now on the worldwide web, but I can apologize sincerely.  That parenting class was very helpful.

Today, I found a townhouse for Tess and I.  Now I have a room for my daughter and a room for myself that is not under constant threat of flooding, mold etc.  No more basement living, isn’t that great?  I’m so damn excited!!  But, I had a moment just a few minutes ago.  As I was packing up my shit for the umpteenth time, I started to cry.  Not because I was moving again, but because my marriage failed.  I don’t like to fail.  Not acceptable in my world, and in yours, as I am fully aware of.  You are starting over just as I am, but with much better odds in the financial matters.  I get the child support and alimony pretty regularly.  The arrears are still around $1500, but that’s ok.  I realize my claiming Tesla last year screwed up your plans, but life’s a bitch.  My life’s been a real rollercoaster since meeting you.

So I’m patient.  Just waiting for my day in court.  I know, as my lawyer assured me it could be very costly.  We’re both having problems paying shit these days, huh?  Good to hear you caught up on that $10k you were behind on with the mortgages.  That’s a big relief, though I haven’t gone online to make sure you’re not telling another fib to me.  Credit scores aren’t looking great for either of us.  Sucks when the credit goes down the toilet.  We’re not the only ones.  Lots of people out there roughing it.  Depending on how life goes…the divorce, custody, marital assets,  college, the business, if Heather sticks around, if I ever give another person a chance in my life etc.  Yes, life is just so unpredictable.

Things used to be so much simpler.  We were happy for at least the first two years I suppose, and certainly had many great moments.  I found you so attractive, funny and caring.  I thought it was cute that you wanted to “save” me.  I guess the jokes on you as I actually didn’t need saved.  That’s okay though, like you’ve told me many times and in texts (that I still have) “it wasn’t all bad!” or something like that.  Another favorite text from you is that I’ve never apologized for all the things I’ve said and done to you.  Well, I’m sorry.  I am really.  I want to move on in life and this is how I’m doing it.

At times, you were all that.  After some time passed, you were that.  After getting quitting my job, getting married, selling my house, car and many other things, I REALLY hoped and prayed I could find a way to keep us from falling apart.  I truly believe in your eyes, you did the same.  If that was your best shot, I’m fine with that.  Do I still cry now and then? I sure do.  Not because I want us back together, but because our marriage was doomed from the day we met.  Silly me just didn’t realize it!

Anyway, enough for now.  I’ll write again, but I have to get back to packing.  I never heard back from you when I texted about using the 16 foot truck.  Maybe you’ll mention it when I pick up Tesla at 5PM.  Then again, maybe not.


3/24/09 When child services come knocking

I was just texting with a friend about divorce and custody.  He didn’t go through a divorce but did have a nasty custody battle over his daughter.  He won, but said only 4-7 percent of fathers get custody.  He said baby’s mama was never a serious person in his life and could prove he could provide for their daughter best.  The courts agreed with him.  He went through hell, and I understand completely.  The multiple days Child Care Services, representing the state’s interest in the welfare of children, came knocking were just vicious attempts to make him stop pursing custody.  I can also relate to that.  When child services came knocking on 3/24/09 I was shocked.

At this point, I was moving into my friend Shar’s (Sharon) house.  The house was just a tiny thing and would probably fit into just John and I’s new bedroom addition.  It is made of stone and matches the large house.  The little house looked more like a small garage, than a house, but it was cozy and kept me near a dear friend for safety.

John had packed up my things at home and helpfully brought them to me.  There was very little that he was allowing me to take.  Mostly my personal items, knick nacks, some clothes etc.  Items we had from moving jobs that he didn’t care about.  A bed for Tesla off a move, a table and 2 bar stools off another moving job etc.  I convinced him to let me use our large red leather chair with an ottoman  also from a job.  It was actually his before we met and I recall him saying he spent $75 on it.   All my furniture was disposed of.  It didn’t rate making it into the Delauter mansion.

I didn’t really think I would be living at the little house very long.  I wanted to work things out with John in the worst way.  Tesla didn’t deserve us breaking up over the control issues her father had and my resistance to being until his thumb.  Our marriage counselor felt I needed to move out temporarily at least, until things cooled off.  John didn’t agree to any idea of me not living under the same roof as him.  Privately, the counselor told me to take my daughter and get out before he hurts me.  I didn’t like the idea of getting hurt.  I chose the plan take a month or two at a friends house and help her fix it up to rent out.

Shar wound up renting to me for a much longer time frame.  Back to March 24, 2009, I was up early working on the large heating grates out of the floors.  Tess was at the sitters and I was rushing to get the grates clean and painted so they would be dry to go back in the house.  There were other people working at the little house.  John’s first wife’s, brother-in-law was there with his son, installing the linoleum in the kitchen.  My sink had been removed and there was no running water.  John was stopping by to help with the floors and build steps to the large house so there was closer access to Shar’s.

CCS showed up around 9:30ish AM.  It felt like someone punched me in the stomach.  Confused and upset I asked why they were there.  The two women said they had received a report that my house was unfit to have Tesla.  Reading from her paper, “house is unfit for child.  Big holes in the floors, no running water or heat.”  I stood in disbelief.

What the hell are they talking about, I thought.  Who the hell would even say that?  People started popping into my head…John, La (secretary), Mike (John’s brother) were my first thought.  Well, the only thought actually. 

I let the women walk through “my home.”  Showed them where Tesla sleeps.  They liked how I decorated her bedroom door in bright colors and her name.  I explained the sink was being replaced but all other sinks worked as well as the toilet.  Gave a flush to prove the point though I could tell they were embarrassed at even going further with this “investigation.”   I turned the heat on even though the doors and windows were open.  Had to prove the heat worked in her bedroom.  I explained the holes in the floor were being covered as soon as the fresh paint was dry on the heat grates (reality: some went in the floor a bit wet.)

Once they were satisfied with the welfare of Tesla at this home, they gave me information on receiving food stamps and WIC checks for Tesla.  She was just  3 when all this happened.  Because they had to see Tesla, I had to send them to the house where a private child psychologist was babysitting.  She was not thrilled about CCS coming to her house, but she had nothing to hide either.  CCS met Tesla and all was well.

I missed my dentist appointment that day.  Rescheduled that appointment and John arrived shortly after noon.  I told him about CCS showing up and he said “I didn’t call them.”  I said “that’s funny because I only told YOU why I wanted you taking Tesla to the sitters today. So the big holes in the floor  could get covered and the sink installed.  Then I could turn on the heat so it’s not so chilly at night.”  He denied calling again and I let it go.  I really wanted to focus on our relationship and improving it so I COULD move back to our house.

John helped for a little while but had to run for a business appointment.  I doubt now it was even an appointment for business.  We went back to my “temporary” bedroom and made love.  I was ashamed I thought he would call child services on me.  I was in denial.  Denial of just how low this man would stoop to get the upper hand.

Though he and his brother threatened to call CCS on me many times, I knew it was all a bluff.  There was no way and still is no way, he will convince anyone I am an unfit mother.  He needs to take a look in the mirror himself.

End note: I know who called CCS for fact now.  Nothing stays a secret forever. 

“Who is this?!”

As Jhole insists, I make Tesla call him before bed.  Just like tonight I said “call Daddy before SpongeBob comes on.”  I go ahead and dial, then hand her the phone.  Heather answers, as I suspected she would.  Tesla says “Who is this?  You’re not my dad!” 

“It’s Heather,” Heather says. 

Hmmmm… Heather must be a little slow on getting the picture.  Why would she WANT to answer her new boyfriends phone when his daughter is calling.  Adding to insult, Tesla has no idea who she is and Tesla informed me she didn’t want to have to talk to Heather.  I feel her pain, except of course I’m an adult.  I already know Heather isn’t going to be around for long.  When she realizes what she is a pawn in a game, she will leave.  Unless she’s really that slow. 

Why is she constantly in my home?  Who is she and what is wrong with her that she wants my husband?  Why does she think we need to talk? 

Sister, you can have the man.  But, Tesla is MY daughter and I don’t have to share her with every woman John is trying to hook up with.  He has no business running women in and out of Tesla’s life just so he “has somebody” to be in love with at the moment.

Divorce is painful enough, does it have to include causing your child pain also?  Get a divorce first, then find someone new.   Otherwise, you’re no role model for anyone’s child, much then yet, your own!!!

To sexy for my sweatpants

Standing around thinking about where this divorce is going. Just dyed my hair. Why don’t those hairs in the front take the dye? Those stubborn grey hairs that pop out all over. It boggles my mind all the different avenues this divorce may take. I worry about how this divorce is affecting my daughter. I know there is no saving my marriage at this point. Because I accept that, I am ready for the divorce. All this court over custody and support is a huge waste of money and time. Time from Tess, school, household duties. Just the time spent preparing for what may happen. What if? There is just so much to consider. I still feel I am under this mans thumb.

They are lime green track pants. Not actually sweatpants. I bought them at the Goodwill to save money. They are comfy, color of my college and $1.50. Sweet, sexy and thrifty. That’s me 🙂

Duh, it’s court ordered!!!

I just finished trying to talk to the future ex husband.  It ended in a yelling match with me hanging up on him, again.  There is no talking to this man.  After repeatedly texting him to find out if he has or is going to pay some money towards his support, I had to resort to calling him.  I HATE calling him.  I don’t want to have to talk to this dreadful man!

Yesterday was bad enough meeting the new girlfriend but then he has the audacity to tell me he’s not paying anymore child support.  Why?  Because I claimed Tess on my taxes.  He never files his taxes early, but I saw no reason to wait.  He is furious that I claimed Tess on my taxes for last year because I claimed her the year before.  Nothing is written in our divorce on who legally can claim her.  Why isn’t it written in?  Because the divorce proceedings haven’t even started yet other than he filed on 10/09/08.

My lawyer said let him know you’re claiming Tess, so I did and Jhole left me a NASTY message that I of course, saved.  Then today, as my checking account begins to dwindle, he says he’s not paying anything until after this upcoming (mid-March) hearing.  This hearing is just over support, not custody.  John intends to sue me for custody by the time school starts.   Now anyone could tell John that he HAS to pay his support no matter what he thinks because…Duh!  It’s court ordered!

John claims he doesn’t have the money to pay support anymore…

 REALLY?  How do you manage to have so many girlfriends then?  In my eyes I see it like this:  John+girlfriend=my support money used in his search of a new wife!

You’re Fuckin Up Our Lives, Dude

She won’t eat.

She won’t eat at the table.

Is it just you and her at the table?

Why does that matter?

It Matters!

No it’s not just her and I eating at the table.

Well maybe that’s why.

What difference would that make?

Because she doesn’t want to eat dinner at the table with a different family all the time!

Because she doesn’t want to call you anymore.

Because she doesn’t talk about you or whoever you’re with anymore.



She doesn’t want to call you.

She doesn’t want to see you.

She doesn’t want to live with you.

She doesn’t want you telling her what she must do.

How I see it

Not to be harsh

She’s folded her hand with you.

She’s done.

Put her first.

Stop with the money.

Stop with the custody.

Stop with the house.

Stop with the business.

Stop with women!

She’s tired of your bullshit too.

You’re fucking up our lives, Dude!

Move ON!!!!!



Footnotes:Don’t you miss the days when slamming down a phone with an actual cord gave you a sense of satisfaction?

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