She’s “like” a stepmom, but still the girlfriend


My daughter and I are setting up her “yard sale special” toys of the day, also included is the $5 stuffed dalmatian puppy she bought with her $2 and Mom’s donation of $3.29.  Now Tesla is practicing and showing amazing improvements, in her photography skills.  Ying also makes an excellent subject for this photo opportunity.

Dog obedience class

We love doing things together, one on one.  She feels so good when we are giggling at silly songs, making play-doh animals and baking brownies.  Tesla loves being the center of attention and her time with me always puts her, spot on.  She is the only child at my house and she knows this. 

Ying and my $5 "new to me" VCR

The current issue is where Tesla falls in at her dads.  Heather, John’s girlfriend, wants Tesla to view her as a “step-mom” figure as they all live under the same roof.  That roof also happens to have my name on the deed.  Tesla is going to school from that address, against my wishes.  Why do I have an issue with Tesla going to school at Eastern?  Because I don’t live there anymore and one way or another I want my name severed from John’s.  Severed, as not slowly rotting away, fraying and twisting until it snaps.  The cart is put before the horse in assuming John’s permanant residence will remain at our house.

Note the chocolate pudding lips

So there is Heather, living at my house and attending every function of Tesla’s life as a “step-mom” figure, yet she is the girlfriend.  She has been acting as the “step-mom” since February of this year and moved in full-time on March 11, 2011.  Keep in mind the previous, previous girlfriend who had lived in my house also, had just moved out on October 7, 2010.  At least one woman in-between that I met was named Shirley.  I didn’t see much of her but John seemed to have her car on a regular basis.  Better on gas, I’m sure.

Anyway, back to Heather. She is volunteering in Tesla’s Kindergarten class at school.  I haven’t even had a chance to volunteer, yet she has jumped right in there.  She may very well only have good intentions but come on, give Momma a break here.  Heather has 4 children of her own.  She can volunteer in their classes.

Tesla asked me today if I was her mom!  I told her “yes, sweetie, I’ll always be your mom” and didn’t question her why she might think I wouldn’t be.


I carried her for nine months, lost consciousness during birth, came back from the fuzzy clouds and still pushed her out.

No doubts here,


P.S. Tesla has no idea that I know Heather helped in her classroom and I have no intentions of mentioning it to her.


  1. Anonymous Friend says:

    You would think a school district wouldn’t let “just a girlfriend/fiance” volunteer to begin with. She is not married to Tesla’s father! I think you should first check with the school about that. Girlfriends come and go. Would a school really want a different girlfriend volunteering every few months like John seems to change is underwear??

    Check with the school for sure…then push the issue!

    • I agree with Anonymous Friend. Pattie, you have to fight this. You must be ready to continue to fight this until little Tesla is able to cognate on her own.

      • I also agree with this….I’m not sure that this is fully legal for the school to do that. The other thing that you need to do is to make sure that the school district gives YOU everything that they send to John. I hadn’t been getting that info, even though I had papers stating that I hold partial legal and partial physical custody of my son…and the school HAD that paperwork and my addresses, and when my son started getting in trouble and children and youth was called in, I wasn’t notified about that for 3 months…now, ONLY the school is co-operating with me, as my ex refuses to even return a phone call, and C & Y has not notified me of a SINGLE thing since the last court date…so they are violating a court order that this judge is already pissed off about, that the order had been violated…so, when I show up at 1 pm on Oct. 4…there will be hell to pay! Check with the school!

  2. I think that Heather needs to stay in her place!!! She is doing way too much. Nobody likes an ass kisser especially when it is at the expense of confusing an innocent child who is already going through far too much at her age. You should call the school. You’re Tesla’s mother – not Heather. Let the school know that you do not want Heather in her room as she is not a parent, nor a legal guardian or even a relative for that matter. The school has to comply with your wishes regardless to what ‘the other’ parent has to say.
    I can only hope she didn’t go in there and give any of the faculty at the school the impression that she is ‘mom’.

  3. I say the same thing…a live in GF to me has no right to just show up at school to play mom..if she was a true step mom then fine. I would admire her for wanting to treat her equal but I just don’t think a GF needs to be doing this at this stage in the game. I hope you have a good lawyer bc this is frustrating me just watching from the sidelines

  4. So when Jodie do you admire someone for wanting to treat ‘others’ as equals? I guess God thinks it should be when ‘others’ decide. Unbelieve from an outsider looking in that anyone is complaining about a women wanting to volunteer time and show support. I could see Patties point if her (the GF) being there was at the expense of Pattie volunteering.

  5. I agree with Jodie…Looking in from the sidelines is very frustrating. I also think that as a GF Heather should have asked Pattie about volunteering. Pattie is Tess’s mother by blood, bond, and birthing. It also concerns me that Tess at 5yrs old is asking her mother if she is her mom..Where did that come from..It seems to me that things are being said in front of Tess to give her the impression that is not the case…The other thing that bothered me from a few blogs ago a comment that was made was things that Heather was having Tess do. It is ok to teach her certain responsabitly but making a child do your housework is completely different story..She is only 5yrs of age and there is limitions…I see one adult trying to do right by her child and two adults using the child as a pawn in a very sick game of I’m the man and I control you!…My prayer are that the courts see this too and fast..

  6. I came accross this blog today and found comments out of wack….kids need responiblity. It seems some readers need education on this issue.

    Age Appropriate Chores


    It is important to teach responsibility to children in the home. They need to know that they have certain things that are expected of them. Responsibility and work ethic are important things to instill in your children, in order for them to feel they have worth and to gain skills necessary to succeed in adulthood. Also, it has been shown in studies that children, including toddlers, who have household responsibilities have greater self-esteem and less overall behavioral problems.

    One of the biggest questions that is asked by parents is what chores are appropriate for a child at what age. Well, there is no set answer to that question. All children are different, and some develop physically and mentally at a different rate than other children. However, for most children, you can expect them to do something within a certain age-range, meaning if you have a five year old, it’s very possible they can accomplish tasks that would be expected of a 2 to 3 year old, and may be able to accomplish something a 7 year old could do. Just keep each child’s individual abilities in mind when assigning chores and be ready to adjust them if needed.

    Another hint for chore assignment is a buddy-system. Have a younger child help an older child (or you) do the chores for a few weeks. Once they have learned the ropes, so to speak, allow them to try it on their own. Remember, as with any new job, there is a period of adjustment and learning. Don’t expect a perfect job the first time out. Over a few week period, you should see improvement and, hopefully, mastery of the job.

    If you are still unsure what a child can accomplish at a certain age, here are some general guidelines as to what chores/tasks are appropriate at what age. As mentioned before, these are just suggestions and you may find your child can do these task earlier/later than mentioned. These skills may also be dependent on motor skill development, so please keep that in mind for your child’s safety. Remember, ultimately, you are the best judge of what your child can do and when.

    9 to 24 months

    •Simple errands (using easy directions), such as: “bring mommy a diaper”, “put this is the trashcan”
    •Putting dirty clothes in a basket/hamper.
    •Simple help with groceries, such as: putting items in shopping cart, helping put items on the check-out conveyor, handing items to you to be put away at home.
    •Picking up toys and putting in toy box (don’t really expect them to sort and organize too much at this age)
    •Yard work, such as picking up trash and toys.
    •Wiping up small spills and messes with a napkin or washcloth.

    Two to Three Years (in addition to chores previously mentioned)

    •Putting shoe/coat in proper place
    •Slightly more complicated errands (continue to use easy directions), such as: “throw these clothes into the hamper”, “put this dirty cup in the sink”. Child should be able to attempt a chore when asked to.
    •Toilet training
    •Wash hands with help
    •Brush teeth (may need assistance)
    •Helping with laundry, such as: helping sort dirty clothes by color, handing clothes to mom to put in washer, transferring clothes from dryer into basket.
    •Picking up toys and books, beginning skills of learning to put items in their proper place
    •Cleaning up after himself/herself after meals (i.e. taking dishes to sink, helping clean-off table)
    •Carrying light-weight groceries in from car
    •Put books and magazines in a rack.
    •Helping to set table (napkins, plates, and silverware)
    •Help feed pets
    •Dust with socks on their hands

    Three to Four Years (in addition to chores previously mentioned)

    •Helping to water plants/garden
    •Wash hands (without assistance)
    •Brush teeth (without assistance)
    •Pick up toys and put in proper place
    •Put dirty clothes into clothes hamper
    •Normal daily routines (such as getting dressed, breakfast, etc. in morning; bath, prayers, bed in the evening)
    •Simple but regular responsibilities, such as getting the mail, keeping room neat, putting their dirty clothes in hamper
    •Helping wash the car
    •Helping put up groceries in proper place
    •Help cooking and preparing food (with adult supervision)

    Four to Five Years (in addition to chores previously mentioned)

    •Assist in making bed
    •Feed and basic care for pet
    •Put away clean clothes (children may still struggle with folding “properly” as this is an emerging skill)
    •Set out clothes for the next day
    •Simple vacuuming/sweeping.
    •Share toys with friends (practice courtesy)

    Five to Six Years (in addition to chores previously mentioned)

    •Sharpen pencils
    •Make bed/change sheets (with minimal assistance)
    •Set table by self (at this age, they still should not be handling sharp knives, etc.)
    •Set out backpack, shoes etc (whatever is needed for school)
    •Learn to be polite, courteous, and to share; respect others.
    •Help clean out the car
    •Keep room tidy

    I could quote many more web sites but this one states my point well. Good luck to the father in getting custidy.

    • Your internet etiquette is lacking just as much as your social etiquette does. I am surprised that at your reading comprehension level that you are able to rationalize this ridiculous “outlines” as something compatible for a child. You are, if you will, a barely literate woman that gains parental guidance from works of fiction that “experts” author in order to manipulate parents who are unable to cognitively reason what is appropriate and what is not. You are Little Miss Illiterate, trying desperately to seem to intelligent when the only firing neuron in your cranium is screaming “Hello?!” in the vacuous chasm. Obviously your children are raising you and you want desperately to add one more to your brood for you to mismanage, passing on your idiocy as your legacy. Maybe if you stopped thinking with your vagina and your feet behind your ears you would actually excel at life instead of failing so brilliantly at it.

  7. Well we all know you the last comment came from Heather cause you still can’t spell worth a piss.Custody is spelled with O not a I….You would wish the father gets custody cause you are sleeping with him. How would you feel if you had to fight for one of your kids. You will never be that childs mother! I have kids of my own and they had chores to do as they grew up. Never at the age of 5 was my kids vaccuming. Picking up their toys yes, picking up leaves after I raked them up yes…Little things and they where made to be fun…As they grew so did their responsibility but my housework was mine and mine alone unless they offered. Their schoolwork was more important.

  8. I have a problem with her volunteering at the kindergarten class and I do believe that you should consider calling the school and informing them of her real position in Tesla’s life. I am also sincerely concerned why she would ask if you are her Mom if she was not coached that you are not her mom. Four year old children do not ask such questions unless the question was posed in a circumstance by an adult in her life. I find it increasingly interesting that such a thought would come into her head. I would wager to assume that Little Miss Illiterate (Heather) is not acting as good a step parent. If I were you, I would contact my lawyer and submit her response here to be heard in the custody hearing. I do not, and will not, view this person as an adequate role model for my daughter and I would seriously doubt her ability to co-parent my child in any capacity. You must fight for your daughter right now before this person confuses her mind into thinking that she is a more appropriate designated Mom than you are. That is, in my opinion, abusive both mentally and emotionally for a four year old child to endure.

  9. Having Heather volunteer in any classroom where her own children aren’t being taught is wrong. How would any parent feel having a stranger come in from who knows where to hang out in their child’s classroom? A place where they should feel safe. Nobody who isn’t related to Tesla should be allowed to volunteer in her classroom. Just like Dale doesn’t have any right to be there, neither does Heather.

  10. says:

    Amazing. And I hear this all too much. Divorced unrepartnered bio moms have it rough these days. We have to deal with all the single mom stigma and the efforts to make us look bad, poor, unstable, etc. With the family court enshrinement of the pop-psych trend of shared parenting as some kind of grail for a healthy post-divorce child,, the amazing emotional and functional equivalent of the parents that child lost in the divorce (as a result of the post-feminist backlash and pressure from fathers’ rights groups), it is next to useless to point out that too many transitions and household rules are not actually very stabilizing for children. All a child needs is a male and female and an owned house to be happy, For the courts, it is that simplistic. Bio moms are worth nothing. I can’t believe the magnifying glass I was put under in comparison to my husband. The double standard was so glaring that it was logically insane. I am having to deal with a strange young girlfriend (herself from multiple broken homes, no kids of her own, basically a teenager herself) sucking all my ex-husband’s attention away from his son. My son doesn’t like her that much and feels very much left out of the loop. But they are calling themselves a “family” and playing up the whole “couples” angle…come the next court date, his life with them will according to the latest “wisdom” (NOT) be valued over his life with his mom (despite his wish to live with mom) and they’ll have the court lapping up their “a child needs two parents, which means a male, female and house” feminist backlash crap. I have seen enough of these cases happen that way to have no faith in the system.

    Here is a small sampling of children who grew up without their biological fathers for at least a chunk of their lives. If the court ever sees fit to remove your daughter from this usurping duo (and who knows who the father’s next girlfriend will be, as “Heather” shouldn’t rest too easy on her laurels), tell them the news isn’t all bad for us evil single moms:

    Alexander Hamilton, John Hancock, George Washington, Thomas Jefferson, James Monroe, Andrew Jackson, Rutherford B. Hayes, James A. Garfield, Grover Cleveland, Gerald Ford, Gen. Wesley K. Clark, Nathanial Hawthorne, Gen. Marquis de Lafayette, Gen. Robert E. Lee, Gen. James Longstreet (Lee’s “Old War Horse”), Linus Carl Pauling (2 Nobel Prizes), Gen. William Tecumseh Sherman, Annie Mansfield Sullivan (Helen Keller’s teacher), Mark Twain, Mother Theresa, Julius Caesar, Cleopatra, Confucius, Nicolas Copernicus, Queen Elizabeth I, Alexander Fleming (scientist who discovered penicillin), Johannes Kepler, Sir Isaac Newton, Plato, Hans Christian Andersen, Jane Austen, Johann Sebastian Bach, physicist Max Born, “Father of Chemistry” Robert Boyle, Charles Bronson, Agatha Christie, Bill Cosby, Roald Dahl, Steven Crane, Alexandre Dumas, industrialist George Eastman (Eastman Kodak), actress Melissa Gilbert (Little House on the Prairie), Gen. Alexander Haig, industrialist William Reddington Hewlett (Hewlett-Packard), Chinese nationalist leader Chiang Kai-shek, chess champ Garry Kasparov, author Stephen King, author Herman Melville, painter Raphael, businessman Colonel Harland Sanders (Kentucky Fried Chicken), author Aleksandr Isayevich Solzhenitsyn (Nobel Prize), Ringo Starr (arguably the mellowest of the Beatles!), author J.R.R. Tolkien (Lord of the Rings), musician Shania Twain, Eamon de Valera, singer Hank Williams, industrialist Eli Whitney, Jr., poet William Wordsworth…

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