Your crutch and spew

Save your breath I don’t want to hear you speak there is nothing you can say that will ever save the day.

You wanted your piece of pie then shouted out your mean goodbye now I don’t cry.

My world cannot crumble even when I fumble you’re so out of touch because I was your crutch.

Kiss my ass I don’t need you no one does or ever will don’t believe me I won’t care.

Raise your hand you can’t hurt me now I don’t miss you not then not now.

You didn’t complete me for I needed no one to make me whole.

I have God my children my family and my friends who will stick by me until the end.

One day you will find yourself alone sitting at the table spewing out your hate and blame in your clueless mind frame.


Victims sometimes feel too ashamed to admit when something bad happens to them.  This is a natural reaction. 

I remember feeling ashamed after I was attacked by a neighbor/classmate while his brother and another neighbor stood nearby.  I remember it clearly, like it was yesterday.

I was at church cleaning like I always did once a week.  Granville and Larry D. were outside with a kid and I could hear them talking because I had the windows open.  There was no air-conditioning at Rohler’s back then. 

I walked over to the window and yelled out hello.  They rode their bikes up to the window and looked inside, wanting to know what I was doing.  I said I was cleaning the church then going home.  The next thing I knew, Granville was crawling through the window.

“You can’t come in here,” I told him.  He ignored me and was in the church in a matter of seconds.  “What are you doing?” I asked.  He didn’t have to answer.  When he grabbed my arm and started to pull me towards the baby nursery room I knew why he climbed through.

I thought to myself, I am not losing my virginity to this dirt ball.  I took off for the front door only to find I had locked it to “keep me safer.”  Now I realized I was locked inside so I ran downstairs, came up the other side, into the new wing of the church and locked myself in the bathroom.  Granville was yanking on the doorknob and trying to get me to come back out.  It got quiet after a little bit and I thought he had left.  As soon as I cracked the door he shoved his hand in and grabbed me.  I shoved past him using the door to my advantage and ran back into the main part of the church.

He ran after me and I tried to get back into the nursery without him getting through the door.  I didn’t even get the door shut and he had a hold of me again.  He was yanking the front of my jeans down but I had a belt on and that is what saved me.  He couldn’t get my belt open with me viciously attacking him with my fingernails.  His arms and face were bleeding.  I don’t know why I didn’t start to scream for help.  It was surreal…how could this be happening in the church I’ve been going to all my life?!

Finally, Granville’s brother yelled in, “come on Bud, let her go.”  I guess Granville realized it wasn’t going to be easy to rape me and his brother and friend were not going to help him.  He left the same way he came in and I closed and locked all the windows.  I felt stupid for allowing this to happen and embarrassed, like I would be blamed because I yelled out a hello to the guys.

I finished cleaning the church and walked home.  I never told anyone.  The next morning he walked past me on the bus and smiled.  I wanted to throw up.  Later I saw my friend Holly in study hall.  She came over to me and said, “Granville said he tried to rape you and that’s why he is all cut up.”  I was mortified and denied it.  I know Holly was just trying to be a good friend, but I was ashamed. 

I no longer feel ashamed as I realize I did nothing wrong and certainly didn’t encourage his behavior.  Too many women become silent victims in physical, emotional and sexual abuse.  Until this stops, crimes against women continue to go unreported, devastating them and ruining their life.  I was lucky that day and I count my blessings.


Dear John~ domestics debacle

Letters he nevers learns from

Dear John,

It wasn’t good to see you this morning.  I’m sure you felt the same way.

I was surprised when you came alone.  No lawyer in tow today?  I wonder why that is…did you feel you had everything under control yourself?  Or your lawyers weren’t available?  Your lawyers quit?  My lawyer sent him a letter back in December and so far, no response.  You know, I had a lawyer quit a couple of years back when this divorce process was started….by you.  He quit shortly after you emptied our entire house of everything and didn’t tell me.  Was I really surprised you did that?  No.  I didn’t have Tesla with me when I went there for the first time.  I thank God I didn’t because I don’t know how I would have explained where everything was.  You took out everything in 24 hours, even Tesla’s belongings.  I have pictures of this pathetic attempt to control things in the house.  Any respect I still had for you vanished that day.

Back to domestics, did you notice this time Carla was actually showing interest in what exactly our marriage situation is?  Perhaps they are going to look a little deeper at our case?  Or, maybe she was just being nosey ya know?  Asking the questions she did.  You have to admit, it is all fascinating.  The only draw back: it’s our life and what’s left of “our life” is just wrapping it up.  It really pisses me off that I am no longer entitled to alimony because I have a man living in my home. What kind of bullshit is that?  I’m not married to Dale, I’m married to YOU.  It’s not even about the money since it wasn’t that much.  It’s just the damn point.

What blows my mind is that you are going to file for child support.  Even Carla seemed surprised that you are insisting on holding me to pay you support.  You really do want it all don’t you?  The business, the house, our child and support payments to boot.  I tried to talk to you about support and you just refuse to even listen.  All you have to do is sign a piece of paper saying you do not request support.  Is that really asking too much?  The amount you would receive will be just as sad as my hourly rate.  It’s ironic that when we met, you told me to tell my son’s father he didn’t have to pay me the $200 a month support for Jarrid and Zeth.  Do you remember?  Saying to me, “$200 dollars a month is nothing.”  When I asked you what you thought I should have to pay you, your response was, “That’s up to the courts to decide.”  Since when do you want a court to decide anything?!

SO,  instead of me  wasting my time “looking for a job” or making a pitiful hourly wage, just realize how this will affect Tesla.    This will take away my availability to see Tesla, to study hard to keep my GPA high, and take care of my home.  Those are my “jobs” and  I have taken school loans out to the tune of $15,000 so far just to pay rent and live.  Oh, since we are still married, you are responsible for half….

Please take a moment and really think this over.  What’s best for Tesla is to spend time with her parents.  What is best for any child is to spend time with their parents and since we are separated we have to split her time.  It should be as equal as we can make it while living in different school districts.  I’ve never kept Tesla from you and ask that you would do the same for me.  She needs her mother to be part of her schedule, not an after-thought, every other weekend.  The more she sees me, the easier it will be for her to accept that she has to live with you.  She said to me that she told you she wanted to live with me and you told her “no.” Yes, legally, she is in your “custody” and you don’t have to share that time with me.   It is just selfish that you don’t want to.  I don’t ask for unreasonable amounts of time to see Tesla or even over night.  That threat you made, “You better drop this or I won’t let you see her except for every other weekend.”  You are threatening me with seeing her less, because I am asking to see her more than every other weekend.  Why would I drive there if she had no interest in going away with me?  She wants to see me.

There is no reason we can’t work out a schedule for Tesla and I to spend time together on a regular basis.

There is no reason I should have to get a part-time job to pay you support when every cent our moving company makes, you keep.

There is no reason Dale should be held responsible for me when I am still fucking married to you.

I am not saying I think you should have to pay child support to me.  What I am saying is: I think you are requesting child support just to be a jerk.  To make my life harder, which seems to make you happy.  I get that you want me to know you are “in control” of Tesla.  The person who doesn’t get it, is Tesla.  Our divorce is causing too much stress on her.

Let’s make a goal for 2012.  All four of us should try to get divorced from our spouses so we can get on with our lives.  Maybe then, Dale and I CAN get married!

I pray every night for this part of our lives to be finalized.  God doesn’t answer my prayers any faster than your lawyer answers letters.

See you tomorrow 🙂


Tesla and I are looking forward to Wednesday afternoon and spending time together.  Please allow her and I to spend a few hours together before gymnastics.  It really means a lot to her.

P.S.  I just got off the phone with you.  How dare you tell me to get a job and help support our daughter?  The nerve of you to tell me times are tough when you just took a week’s vacation before Christmas.  You haven’t paid any support since November yet I survived.  Now you don’t have to pay support at all and I will survive.   I can not believe you said “all this time you have to volunteer in Tesla’s class, you could be working.”  It’s crystal clear you are limiting my time with Tesla because you have been “granted” power by Judge Dorney.   You said it yourself on the phone, just now, because you don’t want me part of her routine.

It saddens me that you just don’t get that you are hurting Tesla.  What she says is HER words.  I don’t “tell” her what to say nor do I put ideas in her head.  I give her honest answers to her questions and anything I say, she is free to tell you.    I don’t listen in on your conversations, nor limit how long you talk to Tesla.  You on the other hand, do both.    You have given me permission to take Tesla home after gymnastics.  If that’s all the time you will allow me, I guess there is nothing I can do.  It’s Tesla who will be disappointed she can’t go to dinner with her cousin Blaine because she has to eat dinner at home, on schedule, as a family.  In my humble opinion (which I realize means nothing to you) she should have a night during the week when I can pick her up and we can do things with her cousin, brothers, friends, etc.

Like I said at domestics today, in the long run you’ll see the error in your ways.  You should retake the Kids First Class.  I really don’t think you learned a damn thing.

Also, since you claim not to read my blog, I will email this to you.  That way you, Heather and LaDonna can all have the opportunity to read it together.


Ok Haters

I’ve taken a lotta flack for past posts about my father.  I’ve upset family and friends and why?  Because I write the truth.  That’s right, the truth.

Now, someone else knows the real Walt.  A nurse from Matrix Medical Insurance called my mom to check on how she was doing.  Walt took the phone to mom who was in her room.  He couldn’t just give her the phone….he had to yell and bitch through the whole process.  Kicking her bed and questioning her on “what doctor office is this” as he handed over the phone.

The nurse was shocked.  Yes, shocked that Walt was treating his wife this way with her on the phone.  This nurse told my mom she does not have to live her life being treated this way.  Today, the nurse showed up at my parents.  Walt was at the doctors himself and the nurse questioned “oh, it’s ok for him to go to the doctor?”

After having a conversation with Mom, the nurse told her she would be reporting how mom is treated to her supervisor.  My mom should not have lived the last 40 years of her life in fear of being screamed at.  Told she is stupid.  Treated as if her sickness and bad health is her own fault.

No one deserves that type of treatment.  Just as I realized my husband was just like my dad, my mom needs to realize her health will never improve living under such stress.  When my grandmother asked me when I thought my mother would ever get better I answered with, “Probably never if she continues to live with Dad.”  Nanny didn’t have any other questions after that one and moved on to the next table at my cousin Amanda’s wedding.

My auntie Jane and uncle Ken were sitting across from me.  They weren’t surprised when I told Nanny what I thought.  Auntie Jane doesn’t really talk to me anymore.  She, along with a few other people who are basically in denial, were just SO offended by this blog  I wrote this the day Walt was ready to beat Blaine’s ass.  I don’t care whose feelings get hurt.  If you don’t live with Walt, you don’t know him.  This blog has the most comments ever.  Family…. down to people I didn’t know or they didn’t say.

Wait til Walt finds this out.  (not the blog, people…the actual investigation.)  Pray for  my mom.  She is very nervous, but it’s his mouth that’s the cause.

My mom is awesome,


Dear Dad


You have Suz pretty upset with you today.  She said you were raising hell about Tesla visiting at the Crider household.  Does it ever occur to you that Tesla wants to see her Grandmother, aunt and cousin?  Why do you have such a problem with your only granddaughter coming to visit?  Do you hold it against her that I am her mom?  I know you and I don’t get along, but give my kid a break.  The heat got to her and she had to throw up.  Was it necessary to scream at Suz that there was to much noise for you to sleep, while Tesla barfed?  The child was SICK!  Tesla doesn’t want to talk to you because you are mean.

I find it amazing that you sat with my future ex-husband at the Revolutions Game.  You know, that night you sang the National Anthem.  Tesla missed hearing you sing, because her dad and the rest of the gang were late.  Didn’t you have anyone else to sit with?

My child hasn’t done anything to you.  If you cause your granddaughter to not like you, it’s your loss.  Just like it’s your loss your offspring don’t want to talk to you.  I guess moving FAR away will solve all the problems with having to see your family.  It’s sad my mother has so little say in where she will live.

Why is it I can get along with anyone BUT my husband and father?  I married a man just like my dear old dad I suppose.

Just how I see it,


Signs of a controlling personality



1.Jealousy:  At the beginning of a relationship,
an abuser will always say that jealousy is a sign of love: jealousy has
nothing to do with love, it is a sign of insecurity and possessiveness.  The
abuser will question her about who she talks to, accuse her of flirting, or be
jealous of time she spends with family, friends, or children. As the jealousy
progresses, the abuser may call her repeatedly at work (or home) or drop by
unexpectedly. The abuser may refuse to let her work for fear she will meet
someone else, or exhibit other strange behaviors (like checking her car mileage
or asking friends to watch her).
2.Controlling Behavior: At first the batterer will say that
this behavior is because of concern for the woman’s safety, her need to
use her time well, or her need to make good decisions. The abuser will be angry
if the woman is “late” coming back from the store or an appointment, or will
question her closely about where she went, and who she talked to.  As this
behavior gets worse, the abuser may not let the women make personal decisions
about the house, her clothing or going to church, may keep all the money or even
require she ask permission to leave the house or room.
3. Quick
: Many battered women dated or knew
their abuser for less than six months before they were engaged or living
together.  The abuser comes on like a whirlwind, “you are the only person I
could ever talk to, I have never felt loved like this by anyone.” The abuser’s
need is desperate and will pressure the woman to commit to the
:  The abuser becomes dependent on
the woman for all needs. He expects her to be the perfect wife, mother, lover,
and friend. The abuser will say things like “If you love me, I am all you need,
you are all I need.”  The woman is automatically expected to know each emotional
and physical need of the abuser.
5.Isolation: The abuser attempts
to isolate the woman from all personal and social resources.  If she has men
friends, she is a “whore”; if she has women friends, she is a lesbian; if she is
close to family, she is tied to apron strings.  The abuser claims that people
who are supportive of her are troublemakers and may want to live in the country
without a phone, or may not let her use the car, or try to keep her from working
or going to school.
6.Blames Others for
If the abuser is chronically unemployed, it is always someone else’s fault.  The
abuser may make mistakes and then blame the woman for being distracting or
upsetting.  The woman may be blamed for anything that goes
7.Blames Others for own
The abuser will tell the woman “you make me mad,” “you’re hurting me by not
doing what I ask,” “I can’t help being angry.”  The abuser will use feelings to
manipulate the woman. Harder to recognize are claims such as “you make me
happy”.  The message in each case is “you control how I feel”.
8.Hypersensitivity: The abuser is easily
insulted and claims that feelings are “hurt” when actually s/he’s really angry,
or the abuser interprets the slightest setbacks as personal attacks.  The abuser
will “rant and rave” about the injustice of things that have happened – things
that are really just part of living like being asked to work overtime, getting a
traffic ticket, being told that something he does is annoying, being asked to
help with chores.
9.Cruelty to Animals or
The batterer may punish animals brutally or be insensitive to their pain; or may
expect children to be capable of doing things far beyond their ability (whips a
two year old for wetting their diaper) or may tease young children until they
cry. (60% of men who beat their partners, also beat their children). The abuser
may refuse to interact with the children by not allowing them to eat at the
table or expecting them to stay in their rooms in the evenings.
10.”Playful” Use of
Force in Sex
: The abuser may like to throw the
woman down and hold her during sex, or may want to act out fantasies during sex
where the woman is helpless. The idea of rape may excite the abuser. The abuser
may show little concern about whether the woman wants to have sex and use
sulking or anger to manipulate her into compliance. The abuser may start having
sex with the woman while she is sleeping, or demand sex when she is ill or
11.Verbal Abuse:  In addition to
saying things that are meant to be cruel and hurtful, the abuser may verbally
degrade the woman by cursing her or diminishing her accomplishments.  The abuser
may tell her that she’s stupid and unable to function on her own.  This may
involve waking her up to verbally abuse her or not letting her
12.Rigid Sex Roles:  The batterer
expects a woman to serve him; and may require that she stay at home, that she
obey in all things – even things that are criminal in nature. The abuser sees
women as inferior, and unable to be a whole person without a
13. Dr. Jeckyll and Mr.
Many women are confused by their abuser’s sudden change in mood — they will
describe the abuser’s behavior as “nice” one minute, but the next minute
“explosive” or “crazy”.  Explosiveness and mood swings are typical of batterers
and are related to other characteristics such as
14.Past Battering:  The batterer may
admit to hitting previous partners, but will blame their partner for provoking
the attacks. The woman may hear from relatives or ex-spouses of previous abuse.
The fact is, a batterer will beat any partner: situational circumstances do not
make a person abusive.
15. Threats of Violence: This would include
any threat of physical force meant to control the woman. “I’ll slap your mouth
off,” “I’ll kill you,” “I’ll break your neck.”  Most intimate partners do not
threaten their mates, but a batterer will try to excuse this behavior by saying
“everybody talks like that”.
16. Breaking or Striking
This behavior is used as punishment (breaking loved possessions), but is mostly
used to terrorize the woman into submission.  The abuser may beat on tables with
fists, throw objects around or near the woman. Again, this is remarkable
behavior in that only immature people beat on objects in the presence of other
people in order to threaten them.
17. Any Force During an

: This may involve a batterer holding a woman down, physically restraining her
from leaving the room, or pushing or shoving. (The abuser may hold the woman
against a wall and say “you’re going to listen to me”.


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