Dear John Letter

Dear John,

I know my last post on your birthday wasn’t very nice, but sometimes in life you encounter someone who just deserves that type of birthday greeting. ūüôā¬† I can’t take it back as it’s now on the worldwide web, but I can apologize sincerely.¬† That parenting class was very helpful.

Today,¬†I found a townhouse for Tess and I.¬† Now¬†I have a room for my daughter and a room for myself that is not under constant threat of flooding, mold etc.¬† No more basement living, isn’t that great?¬† I’m so damn excited!!¬† But, I had a moment just a few minutes ago.¬† As I was packing up my shit for the umpteenth time, I started to cry.¬† Not because I was moving again,¬†but because my marriage failed.¬† I don’t like to fail.¬† Not acceptable in my world, and in yours, as I am fully aware of.¬†¬†You are starting over just as I am, but with much better odds in the financial matters.¬† I get the child support and alimony pretty regularly.¬†¬†The arrears are still around $1500, but that’s ok.¬† I realize¬†my claiming Tesla last year screwed up your plans, but life’s a bitch.¬† My life’s been a real rollercoaster since meeting you.

So I’m patient.¬† Just waiting for my day in court.¬† I know, as my lawyer assured me it could be very costly.¬† We’re both having problems paying shit these days, huh?¬† Good to hear¬†you caught up on that $10k you were behind on with the mortgages.¬† That’s a big relief, though I haven’t gone online to make sure you’re not telling another fib to me.¬† Credit scores aren’t looking great for either of us.¬† Sucks when the credit goes down the toilet.¬† We’re not the only ones.¬† Lots of people out there roughing¬†it.¬† Depending on how¬†life goes…the divorce, custody, marital assets,¬† college, the business, if Heather sticks around, if I ever give another person a chance in my life etc.¬† Yes, life is just so unpredictable.

Things used to be so much simpler.¬† We were happy for at least the first two years I suppose, and certainly had many great moments.¬† I found you so attractive, funny and caring.¬† I thought it was cute that you wanted to “save” me.¬† I guess the jokes on you as I actually didn’t need saved.¬† That’s okay though, like you’ve told me many times and in texts (that I still¬†have) “it wasn’t all bad!” or something like that.¬† Another favorite text from you is that I’ve never apologized for all the things I’ve said and done to you.¬† Well, I’m sorry.¬† I am really.¬† I want to move on in life and this is how I’m doing it.

At times, you were all that.¬† After some time passed, you were that.¬† After getting quitting my job, getting married, selling my house, car and many other things, I¬†REALLY hoped and prayed I could find a way to keep us from¬†falling apart.¬† I truly¬†believe in your eyes, you did the same.¬† If that was your best shot, I’m fine with that.¬† Do I still cry now and then? I¬†sure do.¬† Not because I want us back together, but because our marriage was doomed from the day we met.¬† Silly me just didn’t realize¬†it!

Anyway, enough for now.¬† I’ll write again, but I have to get back to packing.¬† I never heard back from you when I texted¬†about using the 16 foot truck.¬† Maybe you’ll mention it when I pick up Tesla at 5PM.¬† Then again, maybe not.


Midterm blues

My professor returned our midterms today.¬† Sadly, I didn’t do very well.¬† I had a feeling it might not get a very good grade because I rushed to finish it.¬† I started it early so I could get the majority of it done but my prof didn’t return my email concerning the first draft until the night before it was due.¬† His pc was broke.¬† So at 9:30 PM with Tesla still awake because I was still awake, I tried to improve it.¬† Prof said my hurried changes made the essay worse.¬† Nice…I lowered my grade.

It is very difficult to do homework and study with a 5 year old.¬† Throw in living with 6 other people in one house and constant divorce drama , custody issues and not receiving any support….it makes everything more difficult.¬† No excuses though, I will take advantage of his rewrite policy.¬† He gives a week to rewrite and resubmit.¬† I will get my grade higher.¬† It wasn’t failing, but I expect more from myself.

Everything is a mess in my life it seems, but I keep plugging away.¬† Everyday.¬† ūüôā


Beaver Hole Writing assignment

FORENSIC BRIDGOLOGY DATA FORM¬† I have started my “hermit crab essay” and hopefully this link takes you right to it.¬† This is an assignment from writing class.¬† The assignment was to write a story in a bizarre, alien format.¬† I’m writing about Beaver Hole, Warrington Twp, York, PA in the alien format of a forensic reports.

Let me know what you think of my bizarre essay@@@  thanks.  Pattie

View from the bridge

waiting for spring

It’s a York County bridge!!

I heard back from Dover Township very quickly.  The bridge ID#66722009243209 and here is what they had to say:

Ms Crider,
the bridge is maintained by York County.
According to a PennDOT list of York County bridges it was inspected in Feb 2009 and due to be inspected the end of this month.

He also gave me the name and phone number of the gentleman who would know more about that specific bridge.¬† So, now I’m on a personal search for information on this bridge.¬† I sent my original¬†webblog¬†page “who’s bridge is this?” to this contact person and also requested information on its history.¬† coincidentally, I have to write a non-fiction story about something I feel closely about.¬† Since I already have the momentum flowing, I’m going to stick with the Beaver Hole bridge theme.¬†

These pictures are from July last year.  My sister is so graceful.  She winds up in the water every time we go to Beaver Hole.  Tesla and Blaine love it there and it makes for beautiful background in pictures. 

The most recent picture is of Tesla yesterday. 

More posts to come about Beaver Hole and the story of the BIG LEAF FIND!

Zeth goes to college

So I tell my son Zeth¬†I’m taking him to a lecture with me tonight.¬† The lecture was about the civil war, slavery, Gettysburg.¬† I assured him it wouldn’t be as bad as history class and he might even find it interesting.¬† ¬†Zeth¬†met my professor, Dr. Kennedy on the way in.¬† Zeth immediately put out his hand to shake after the introduction.¬† Inside my head I’m thinking, “good job son…I have raised you right.”¬† Dr. Kennedy said, “you made your son come in for this?”¬† I said “yep, can’t hurt.”

Wow, I was wrong.¬† Of all lectures, I drag Zeth¬†to the most boring York College lecture I ever attended.¬† The speaker’s voice was monotone and I found myself losing interest.¬† Didn’t think it could be possible, but this lecture made war and slavery boring.¬† I looked over at Zeth and his eyes were closed.

So we ditch the lecture…and to his delight, the lobby was now set up with fruit, cheese, crackers, cookies….That cheered him right up.¬† I had to cut him off at 3 cookies.¬† Damn, they were good.¬† Lecture, not so good.¬† Sorry son!¬† It was only extra credit…for me.

‚ÄúLast Night‚ÄĚ

It snowed last night.
I didn’t get no rest.
A fine white powder,
The very, very best.

It kept me awake.
My eyes on my friend.
Trust no one
Only an ear, I dare lend.

In age I am youth.
That is no surprise.
It is experience,
Making me wise.

Never watched Nascar.
People love so dear.
Just out of sight,
Though I can hear.

Quiet those damn cars,
Give me a break!
Tranquility I seek,
Within that white flake.

Sledding in my car!

I lost control of my car driving to class.¬† It didn’t take more than a few seconds.¬† I was driving on Bull Rd in Dover.¬† Just as I was approaching a church I realzed my car was¬†sliding sideways… for an eternity.¬†¬†¬†Then hollywood style, it turned around at the last second.¬† I saw the stonewall in my rearview mirror and thought “I’m going to wreck my car!”¬† I prepared for the airbag to go off, but came to a complete stop and nothing happened.¬† Frozen in shock, it took me a little bit to grasp what just happened.¬† I got out of the car and saw¬†the wall at the corner of the graveyard was actually bushes.¬† What a relief even though I didn’t hit it.

¬† A car stopped to check on me.¬† She was very nice and could see how shook up I was.¬† Some jerk drove around her and I.¬† I supposed I was holding him up!¬† I moved my car easily and drove into the parking lot.¬† Had to take a moment to get a grip after that experience.¬† Just before this, I had pasted a dump truck that slid off the road and another truck was helping him.¬† Even before I left my home, I was slipping around trying to clean my car off!¬† I should have realized then it wasn’t worth trying to drive on the unplowed, no cinder, country roads.¬† So I am home, waiting for my nephew who just arrived at school to come home immediately in the egg carton busses.¬† It’s just not safe out!!

Rush PA the paperwork….sit and wait, then SURPRISE!!

Hello Pennsylvania….a commonwealth…good ole PA. Really, all the paperwork I fill out for you? The forms, receipts, triplicate!
You have my social security number, issued my driver’s license, approved my name changed prior to a final divorce decree. I report my earnings, my child support, alimony, where I live, how much we eat.
Sweet Commonwealth, I have such trust in you. I rush the forms and receipts you need to process my tuition funds. Not once, but twice. The second copy of the receipt for college books needed in the next term marked “Please Rush” in desperation of check delivery.

Mail, on the kitchen table….from PA!! For me, my fundage for school books problemo. Tearing open the envelope, impressed at the speed of my new caseworker response. This dude is like my 5 caseworker. Why shuffle us around like cards? I hate retelling a new social worker all the BS on how I got in this perdicament…. Thinking as I tear, “how long will this take? how will I handle any differences in the funds?”
I stop breathing. Ok, actually was holding my breath. I see at the top of the paper one simple black checkmark. In a little box, as usual for the government’s forms. Denied. What?! DENIED?! I have professors lending me books until my funds come in! What state employee dropped the ball this time?

PA, at times a generous commonwealth, assists me in going to college. Wonderful…almost a full scholarship for my associates degree. I am blessed.
Unfortunatly I am cursed by the PA Assistance Program. Each department in PA appears to run independantly. Very little communication between state worker’s in Labor & Industry, Welfare, Domestics, etc. One department approves a scholarship, another childcare assistance. Food stamps here but child support and alimony over there. Special allowance for mileage in my Commonwealth purchased vehicle so I can drive my daughter to daycare, pick her up when it’s my custody time, buy groceries to feed my family on their tab. Special allowance for a MathLab CD….but when the serious tab (about $400 for this term) is documented and delivered twice…DENIED. Sigh…appeal.

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