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Dec 6, 2011

Dear Tesla

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Easter 1975

Dear Tesla,

    I know you can’t read this yet, but someday you will be able to.  There is an awful lot of stuff going on in your life and at the tender age of five, I realize you don’t understand.  Honestly, as your mother, I don’t understand either.

    You, my precious daughter, are one tough cookie.  I applaud you for having a strong personality.  When I was your age, I too had a strong personality.  Mixed in with that personality…..a dose of independence and a large portion of humor.

   I understand your personality.  Mommy danced to the beat of a different drum too.  My mom never tried to change me.  She didn’t tell me how I should dress and act.  I was allowed to let my dynamic personality shine through. 

    There is nothing wrong with wearing mismatched clothing or even boys clothing.  People have been dressing in the clothes of their opposite sex for centuries.  As a child your age, I never thought about my clothes as being all that important.  I liked picking out my own outfits.  I thought back then the thrift stores were great and now I think they are superdooper great!  🙂  I loved trying on outfits.  I may have even dressed up my little brother…

   For example, this is a picture of Mommy and your uncle Joe at ages five and three.  Look at how we dressed and where we lived.  I apparently never wanted my clothing to match and uncle Joe cheerfully wore one of my hand-me-down sweaters.  Joe just looked at me with amusement.  I was always sticking my tongue out at the camera and waving my hands.  I still wear mis-matched clothes to school and act silly.  My classmates find my individuality refreshing. 😉  Oh…when you are in college, you can wear your pajamas to class.  I don’t do that, but lots and lots of kids do!!

Joe and I 1975

 

The bottom line was we had our mom and she made us happy. 

Some day Tesla, you will have your mom back too.

I love you,

Mommy

 

Filed Under: Tesla · Tagged: , , , , ,
Dec 5, 2011

I miss her smile

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I can’t describe the pain I feel with a week passing by and not seeing my daughter.  Making it even more painful is the fact that any day over the past week, I could have seen her.

I miss her silly smile, her songs and storys.  She likes to make up a story and really get me going then say “I’m only kidding!” which is cute right?!  Well, not so much the other night when she told me Bria bit her.  She went on and on about it then suddenly said she was kidding.  Was she kidding?  I really don’t know.

This afternoon on the phone, Tesla told me I could come get her tomorrow and we would make cupcakes at the house.  I said “Really? Your dad said that?” and she replied, “No, Heather did.”  Instantly in the background I could hear Heather saying, “I didn’t say that Tesla.”  That glimmer of hope was quickly extinquished.

Imagine your child, at the age of 5 asking when she can come home again and you have to tell her it will be another week.  I did reassure her that I will see her tomorrow at dance class and that seemed to soothe her.  Without even seeing her in person or talking to her privately, I can tell she knows what’s holding her back from seeing her mother.  Everyone can see it but that person themself.

She told me she missed me.  I told her I missed her.  We sang four songs and I told her to call me before bed.

She never called.

~P.

Filed Under: Tesla · Tagged: , ,
Dec 4, 2011

York College Spartapalooza 2011

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Frank T. Aquilino ~Class of 97

At York College of Pennsylvania, alumnus Frank T. Aquilino ’97 was remembered with a memorial scholarship. He was a bond trader at Cantor Fitzgerald and perished on 9/11/2001.  The 2011 Spartapalooza festival was dedicated in memory of Mr. Aquilino.

This year the Spartapalooza theme was class spirit.  The freshman, sophomores, juniors and seniors competed against each other for points to win “Best Class Spirit” award.  The contests varied through-out Grumbaucher Stadium.  Fieldhouse held a bounce house, dizzy bats races, velcro bounce wall, inflatable obstacle race,  thunder stick decorating, $1 black and green festival t-shirts, a scavenger hunt, and much more.

At the swimming pool, the cardboard boat races excited the crowd of spectators.  It didn’t matter who won and who lost….it was all about the boat.  The boat that put on the best show.  Float or sink, the crowd cheered in a frenzy.  A personal favorite was Team “Diddy Dong Racing.” They were the winners of The Titanic Award for their dramatic cardboard vessel sinking to the bottom of the pool.  This YCP team was all juniors: John Meyer, Ryan Hershey, Tom Powell and Mike Shaffer sacrificed their boat to take this win.

Team YCP USA  participated in the cardboard boat races.

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The tug of war between classes was fun but also a bit dangerous as the four classes snapped the rubber bands holding the ropes together.  Determining who won was a challenge itself as the band broke, the sophomore class found themselves on the ground.  The points didn’t really matter, having fun did.

I participated in the scavenger hunt which allowed me to meet new people on campus, outside of my scheduled classes.  The game was to take pictures of what was on the list and I managed to find all the items.  The most challenging was the Spartan Helmet which I learned was made by sophomore, Taylor Lapierre.

Lapierre was also in charge of the class spirit games.  I participated in the games with my friend Phil Rearich.  Phil and I had a great time attempting the sack race.  I fell on my face trying to jump in a burlap sack but got right back up.  The freshman team stole our bandana when we reached the three-legged race but we managed to get to the next leg of the race.  With one shoe on and one off, I attempted leap frog with Phil and failed miserably.  I needed a much shorter partner!

The event drew a large number of students, faculty and children to York Campus.  It was a great day to show student spirit and remember a former student lost to terrorist attacks on the World Trade Centers.

There was an endless buffet of food and sweet and drinks to keep everyone’s energy up for the afternoon through the evening.  The festival ended around midnight with everyone exhausted!

Great times at YCP,

~P.

Filed Under: classmates, College, York College Spartan · Tagged: , ,
Dec 3, 2011

What I Dream

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I ask this all the time...

Is there anyone out there that doesn’t dream?  I think everyone dreams but doesn’t necessarily remember any of them.  I have reoccurring dreams, dreams where I am falling and where I fly (Fav #1)  Also reoccurring themes are the hubby John in a wide range of situations. (Worst #1) Being chased or followed.  Physical attack or peril. Sex, sometimes with spontaneous orgasms (Fav #2…this is the truth, I swear)  Arguing with my dad. (Worst #2) 

Sometimes I don’t know the people in my dreams.  Or maybe I just don’t know them yet.  Interesting thought.  I love the flying dreams.  I just spread my arms and fly around, usually at my parents, or at the pavilion below.  When I was younger I flew around my grandparents farm.  I lived there as an adult for about two years.  I had a dream about flying around the yard and around the barn.  I would swoop under and above the electric and phone lines.  If only I could make that come true!  Imagine all the gas money I would save!!

Wet dreams are very interesting to me.  It’s amazing how powerful the mind is.  Sometimes I have an orgasm and the dream isn’t even sexual.  Weird huh?  Anyone ever have an orgasm in their sleep?  A few days ago I had spontaneous orgasms sitting in my car with Dale.  I was fully dressed and frozen with wave after wave until I physically felt ill.  Dale said he saw something on TV about a woman who would suddenly have an orgasm.  Orgasms were great….thinking I will barf…not great.  LOL

So I almost dream daily about the future ex-hubby.  There used to be a sexual edge to my dreams about him.  If I could control it to some degree, I would take the sexual dreams over the fighting dreams.  Sometimes I dream I’m back in my house but I can’t get Heather to leave.  Every now and then, Kelly drops into a dream and I’m still having to hear her yelling at me.  She’s long gone now, except in my silly dreams.

I have no desire to ever be in a relationship with John again.  I suppose it could just be the stress of dealing with the whole divorce process.  I don’t let the dreams haunt me.  I could keep a journal nearby to jot down notes that will help me remember.  Maybe I’ll try that tonight and see what happens!

Counting orgasms,

~P.

Filed Under: Divorce, Dreams, John · Tagged: , , , , ,
Dec 3, 2011

Protected: Beyond Furious

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Filed Under: Divorce · Tagged:
Dec 2, 2011

Taking the chick from the mama hen

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Mamma and her little chicken Tesla

Ok, I’ve had it.  I can’t get more than a few minutes to talk to my daughter.  Her father is “following the court order” to the letter and I know that is not how it was intended.

I last saw Tesla Monday night and watched her practice ballet.  I have yet to get any type of response that I can visit her since.  “You’re not cutting into my time with Tesla.”

What the fuck is wrong with a parent that for no good reason he is not letting me see or really even talk to Tesla.  She didn’t go to gymnastics last night.  Tesla said she had dance practice.  Tonight she said she was practicing gymnastics at home with Bria. (Heather’s daughter)  I very much wanted Tesla to go to Spartapalooza with me.  Blog on YCP Spartapalooza coming soon.

I have a real issue with my child being withheld from me for no good reason and John’s refusal to return my texts messages and phone calls.  This is selfish and immature behavior and in no way showing support for Tesla to see her mother.

Upsetting me is that John is refusing to allow her to go to the Lehman Center for art therapy.  It doesn’t cost him anything and it is to teach her coping skills during this period stressful situation for Tesla.  I don’t know what John is afraid of learning but it’s not about John, it’s about Tesla.

Stop denying me my child!

~P.

Filed Under: Divorce, John, Tesla · Tagged: , ,
Nov 30, 2011

My phone rang in gym

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My phone rang in gym class, right after we finished our square dance number.  We actually had to dance it 1.5 times because the first try the cd started to skip.  That’s a good way to ruin square dancing.

So the call was from a woman named Holland.  She is now assigned to my case because Mr. Flynn wasn’t returning any of my calls concerning Tesla and my health insurance and  food card.  Imagine my relief learning that we were not losing our benefits after all!

There is someone above looking over me.  It may take time, but everything will work out eventually.

My spirits are lifted,

~P.

Filed Under: College, Tesla · Tagged: , ,
Nov 29, 2011

My friends

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I can not put into “perfect words” how much I appreciate all your support during this very difficult time of separation from my daughter.  It feels good to know I can lean on so many friends when I feel I am falling down.

My facebook friends, college friends, high school friends, life long friends….you get the picture.  You always have a listening ear and words of encouragement.  This is why friendship is priceless. 

Dale is the greatest boyfriend I’ve ever had.  His feelings were hurt a little bit when I told him he couldn’t be my “best friend” because having your significant other as your best friend is a challenge.  If a bf or gf is your bbf and you two break up, you’re doubly screwed, and not in a good way!

Friends are precious and even if long periods of time pass between talking to a friend, it’s so easy to catch up.  Never take a friend for granted or after a while you will find you don’t have any “real friends” at all.

Remember, you get to pick your friends.

Choose wisely,

~P.

Filed Under: Dale, Divorce, Friends · Tagged: , , ,
Nov 29, 2011

Dear John and Heather

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Dear John and Heather,

    I decided it would be much easier just to address you both in this post.  Though I have made this painfully clear in the past, stop harassing my friends and family.  This includes my boyfriend Dale. 

   You have no business talking to him.  John, if you must speak to me about something concerning Tesla, I am all ears.  There should be no conversation between you and Dale or Heather and Dale. 

   The police told you not to harass me.  I didn’t realize I would have to include Dale on the list.  My friends and family don’t care to hear or see you.  (for that matter, no one wants to hear or see Heather either)  Don’t question anyone about Tesla, other than me.  You want to know something, check with her mother. 

    We all know you are a tough guy and love to be the bully.  Well that must stop.  Making a scene at Tesla’s dance class was just ridiculous.  Yes, I called Dale away from the two of you because I know how you treat people.  Heather is a great copycat of your drama king status.  Neither of you had any business questioning Dale about my where-abouts today. 

    Heather, I don’t want you throwing your useless and senseless comments in when John and I are trying to have a civil conversation.  I realize you would rather see John and I at each others throats.

  The two of you seem set on making this as difficult as possible for me to see Tesla.  You are quick to cause problems that just are trivial and then threaten to sue me for contempt for attending my classes.  That says so much about the two of you.  It saddens me that you both will go out of your way to be negative, hateful and bitter about the wonderful relationship Tesla and I have.  A relationship that neither of you can completely control.  In the end, you will just ruin any thread of a relationship you ever had with Tess, all on your own.

Karma,

~P.

 

 

Filed Under: College, Dale, Heather, John, Tesla · Tagged:
Nov 27, 2011

STALKER

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I used to refer to my husband as my stalker.  “I married my stalker” I would say.

John would listen to my phone calls or hide and listen in on my conversation.  He was an expert at sneaking around for being such a big guy.  Of course he could always get someone to “spy” on me if he couldn’t do the “checking up” himself.  I thought once I managed to escape my “prison guard” I wouldn’t have to worry about feeling like I was in prison.

Sure, John let me have a little freedom.  He preferred to go where every I was going or have me in his presence 24-7.  Even after 3 years of separation, he still can’t let go of me and move on.  Maybe it’s the divorce holding him up also.

John invades my dreams and my reality.  Almost every night I dream about John.  Lucky me huh?  Sometimes it’s fighting, sometimes his girlfriends are involved.  Kelly still pops into dream land now and then.  Usually Heather isn’t part of my dreams.  Whew!

Don’t ask me why I dream about my stalker.  I guess I just haven’t shaken him from my subconscious yet….if that is even possible.

I checked my cellphone not to long after I got up from bed.  At 8:58 AM John sent me a text:  “I see your resume classes tomorrow.”

I find that creepy.  Like when he sent me a text at a Revolution’s ballgame that Tesla, Jarrid and I were attending with friends.  John was there too and shortly after I arrived he sent me this text:  “I see you.”  Can you say creeper?????  I can’t believe I married this guy!!

So I sent him a reply to his creepy class text:  “yes” and a little later “how do you see that?”  He never replied.  I’m sure he’s trying to get me to say I won’t have Tesla with me tomorrow and his response will be “then you can’t have her because the court order says she must be in your presence while in my custody.”  Would that surprise me?  NOT AT ALL.

I don’t look into where John is while he has Tesla.  I already know he gets lots of different people to babysit while he is out doing God knows what.  He is just obsessed with this never-ending relationship and how he can control me and Tesla every chance he gets.  You would think with Heather and her 4 children he would be too busy to pay attention to my schedule.

Apparently not,

~P.

Filed Under: College, Divorce, Heather, John · Tagged: ,
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