Why do I have to go?

Tesla has started asking when she goes back to her dads.  I told her Monday night after dance.  The new custody schedule is going to be very hard for her and I.  She won’t be spending the night with her mom and that really bothers her.

She asked me why she has to live with her dad during the week.  I explained that her dad and I could not agree on who she should live with so a judge in a courthouse decided that she should live with her dad.  She looked right at me and said, “That’s not what I wanted.  I want to live with you.”

This is probably the hardest pill I’ve ever had to swallow.  It didn’t get any easier when Tesla told me “you didn’t try your best to win” while tears streamed down her face.

I tried and I had Tesla’s best interest in mind.  I feel I failed her at this point, but there is always tomorrow.

I dried her tears and assured her we will see each other plenty.  There will never be a doubt in her mind that her momma loves her.

Someday she will understand.  He who has the $$$$ manages to get his way.  I doubt he will continue to pay anything towards support except his arrears.  Since we are not divorced he will still have that $52 a month spousal support.  What a JOKE!?

For now, she’s back to smiling.

~P.

Update:  Since John picked Tesla up I have been allowed to talk to Tesla 4 very brief times while John and Heather sat beside TT.  So far he has refused to let me see her in person.

What a dick.

Dear Heather~ delivery receipt

Dear Heather,

This is a delivery receipt for Tesla’s antibiotics and ointment.  Thank you for dropping that off.  I immediately took her inside from the mailbox and applied it.  I guess since it’s “your fault” the medicine wasn’t sent, you get those little brownie points erased.

On the other hand, if you hadn’t taken the medicine out of Tesla’s bookbag, she would not have been treated while in her father’s care.  It’s a good thing you are there looking out for Tesla.

I’m sure you didn’t have a problem with delivering the medicine.  Just wondering why her dad didn’t take care of that.  He couldn’t be bothered with checking Tesla’s book bag.  Didn’t stop to drop off the medicine….is he really that busy?

Anyway, I got a little carried away.

Meds received.

If I have to have someone living in my house, with my future ex-husband and acting as step-mom to my daughter, I thank you Heather.  Let’s see how long you can stick it out with that Bull.

Best Wishes,

~P.

Dear John~ you frustrate me

Dear John,

Why would you tell me Tesla’s medicine is in her bag if you hadn’t checked?  It wasn’t in there.  You told me you didn’t even take it out while she was with you.  I know you are in the middle of throwing a party but come on?!

You get Tesla back for 8 hours and already can’t get things right.

Tesla said Heather put the medicine on her face.  Apparently Heather is taking care of Tesla because you are just such a busy man.

See you tomorrow when you drop of her meds.

Yes, I am pissed.

~P.

Dear Dale~Man of Patience

Dear Dale,

I want to take a moment to thank you for your incredible patience.  You are the first man in my life who I feel truly supports me during tough times.

You have been called in court and testified on my behalf.  Your background was questioned.  You were put under a microscope and you passed the “good guy” test.  I commend you on your endless support during this very tough portion of my life.  The drama seems endless and the results have not been in my favor.

Oh well, we will figure it out.  You, me, Tesla and Ying.  Don’t count on Ying for much input.

Tesla is holding up pretty good so far.  She kept telling me she wanted to stay and I kept telling her she had to visit with her dad.  Sure, she comes back tonight and then I have her until Monday when we go to her dance practice.  Tess is already telling me she wants to go to school from my house.  I hope she continues to hold up well, be strong and talk to me.  Once the schedule starts, I am not sure how she will hold up.

She is going to miss us.  Yes, us.  She thinks you are great.  “Superdooper great” I believe she said.  I am going to miss her, but you know that already.  I cried earlier and you comforted me by phone.  I dried my tears.

You are such a supportive man, I am so thankful.  Thankful that you are in my life.  It was wonderful to meet your family.  We all have dysfunctional families….LOL  They were thrilled to see you and that tells me so much about your character!!

So I’ve been kinda bumming it today since Tesla left.  I need to do some homework and stop watching “Planet Green” an oddly fascinating tv channel.

You should be home soon and that will make me happy!

Love you lots!

~P.

Kick me while I’m down

Today I contacted Department of Welfare because there had been some screw up with Dale’s tax papers.  I informed them that I no longer had joint custody of Tesla.

As if things aren’t bad enough, I will now lose Tesla and my medical card (don’t worry, John already informed me he applied for Chip.  I’m sure he didn’t come up with that on his own) and we are no longer eligible for food stamps or free lunches.

I have no idea if this will impact me attending school.  I am SO frustrated with all that is going on.  Congratulations to John for managing to screw me over once again, along with getting majority custody.  I’m not boo-hooing, just floored at the decision of the courts to award custody to a man who has been putting off divorcing his wife because he doesn’t want to have to change ANY part of his life.

My life is completely turned upside down.  Not that he would care.  I realize now he never really cared about me.  It was all about him.

Crossing my fingers that things get better,

~P.

What is court?

I had made a promise to Tesla back when the original custody agreement was made (2009) that I would tell her if anything changed.  I said, “It’s not for you to worry about.  If anything changes I will let you know.  In the meantime you will still spend half you time with Daddy and half with me.”  On numerous occasions Tesla told me she wanted to live with me during the week.  School had not started at this point and where she was going to start school was decided by a court hearing.  The decision was she would go to school from the marital residence where her dad is living.

About 2 months pass….

Yesterday the decision of custody was determined.  Tesla would be in primary care of her father and mother will have visitation every other weekend.  Arrangements for other visitation times will have to be agreed upon by John and I.  I have faith he will allow Tesla and I to share time together without hesitation.  We already agreed on how the rest of this week would go without even raises our voices.  Progress achieved already!  I truely believe the two of us can work out something between us so I get as much time with Tesla as Tesla would like considering, she didn’t get to live with the parent of her choice.

I also believe the person who will make this new custody agreement the most difficult will be Heather.  Even though she is of no relation to Tesla and will not be any relation soon, she feels the need to put in her opinion, jab, critique and nonsense freely,  as if she has that right.  It would much easier to speak to John without Heather involved.  I don’t involve Dale with decisions concerning Tesla so I don’t understand why John allows Heather such involvement.  Besides being my husband’s girlfriend, I don’t believe Heather is particulary intelligent and I don’t agree with her parenting style.  (Which seems to be just let John handle everything her kids need before and after school)

As promised, I talked to Tesla about the change of custody.  She asked what court was and I explained how a judge in the courthouse decided she should live with her dad during the week and I would see her every other weekend.  She immediately began to insist the judge could’t make her stay with her dad all week.  I explained that the judge did have the power to make this happen but her dad and I will work together to make sure Tesla and I still see each other regularly.

I also explained that over the summer, she would live with dad for a week, then with me for a week.  She thought that over a little bit and said, “I want to live with you now.”  I told her that I understand she is upset and disappointed and that I felt the same way but we have to do what the judge said.  I also told her that the judge said custody can always change in the future.

Her and I both agreed to try our best with the new custody order.  I told her I want her to be happy and that is what is most important to me.  If at some point there is a legitimate reason to request a change in custody, I will do so.  For now, we will deal with what the law states.  You never know what may happen in the future that may lead to a custody change.

Me ~n~ TT are good,

~P.

P.S.  Yes, I am disappointed I wasn’t awarded majority custody.  Will that make me lay down, shed tears and curl up in a corner?  Hell no!  I will spend time with Tesla and Dale and work hard at college….and my future book, “I used to drive a Mercedes.”

Dear John~you won

Dear John,

I am sure you are patting yourself on the back right now.  Congratulations, you have majority custody of Tesla.  Did you notice the judge said, “custody can always change” before she read her decision.  Do you still think Judge Dorney is a half-wit?

So now I just have Tesla every other weekend.  The judge stressed the importance of her mother still being very involved in her life.  I texted you a couple times and brought it up in person that I want to see Tesla at least once or twice during the week.  Since you told the judge I am a good mom, I don’t see why you wouldn’t want Tesla and I to see each other.  It confuses me that you didn’t respond to my texts or my comment in person.  Would you really intentionally keep Tesla from seeing me, just because you have the “power” to do so?

I am going to have to break it to Tesla that she won’t be coming home nearly as often as she is used to.  I know you said you didn’t want to tell her about the verdict because “she was already upset” over me getting stuck in traffic accident and not making it to her dance class.  How the hell do you think she’s going to take it when she learns she will rarely spend the night with her mom?  This might all backfire in your face.

You won the hearing, but in the end it won’t matter.  You can’t replace me as Tesla’s mom.  Eventually, she will want to live with her mommy.  In the meantime, I am going to push like you have never seen before to get this divorce finished.

I’m not angry, just disappointed for Tesla,

~P.

Waiting patiently

Currently in scultpure class.  Our pieces our being displayed and critiqued.

My piece is my blue head with the sewn lips.

http://girlboxer1970.com/2011/10/19/blue-in-the-face/

I can not wait for class to be over so the decision can be made.

Critique starting,

~P.

A sudden chill

The room is cool with a breeze from the crack in the door.

My nipples tighten, standing erect underneath my tight tank top.

I slip my pencil to my harden nipple and rub.

The friction warms my nipple but it doesn’t soften.

I feel the warmth growing.  New warm spots erupt.

More swelling and a noticeable moistness.

So much for focusing on studying.

~P.

Tomorrow is decision day

It is Sunday and I am taking a moment to reflect on tomorrow.

A judge will decide where Tesla will live.  My daughter knows in the past, decision were made for her and for her parents, by someone who works at the courthouse.  A Judge, in this case, Judge Dorney will decide who Tesla will spend the majority of her time.

John pled his case.  Heather backed him up on his awesomeness.  Diane and Todd took the stand, said things that may or may not have helped John’s case.  LaDonna took the stand and in my opinion, mouthed the words she had been instructed to say.  What else can she do?  She still wants a paycheck from the business.  She may feel indebted to John, at one time he loaned La $4,000 without mentioning a word to me.  In fact, he told La not to mention the loan.  After I was moved out and she continued working for John, he suggested she move in with her daughters, Kennedy and Ashtyn.  John liked to think of everyone as family and their kids, his kids.  LaDonna had no interest in moving in with John, as her boyfriend or otherwise.  There’s just so much that doesn’t get brought up in court.  At least not the custody court.  Who knows how the divorce court will go.

I pled my case.  It was pretty simple.  Dale took the stand and testified on my behalf.  As did my son Jarrid.  It all boils down to which story sounds the most truthful to Judge Dorney and which parent she feels will have Tesla’s interests first.

No matter what the decision is, it will have to be explained to a five and a half-year old.

No easy task,

~P.