Dear John,

It wasn’t good to see you this morning.  I’m sure you felt the same way.

I was surprised when you came alone.  No lawyer in tow today?  I wonder why that is…did you feel you had everything under control yourself?  Or your lawyers weren’t available?  Your lawyers quit?  My lawyer sent him a letter back in December and so far, no response.  You know, I had a lawyer quit a couple of years back when this divorce process was started….by you.  He quit shortly after you emptied our entire house of everything and didn’t tell me.  Was I really surprised you did that?  No.  I didn’t have Tesla with me when I went there for the first time.  I thank God I didn’t because I don’t know how I would have explained where everything was.  You took out everything in 24 hours, even Tesla’s belongings.  I have pictures of this pathetic attempt to control things in the house.  Any respect I still had for you vanished that day.

Back to domestics, did you notice this time Carla was actually showing interest in what exactly our marriage situation is?  Perhaps they are going to look a little deeper at our case?  Or, maybe she was just being nosey ya know?  Asking the questions she did.  You have to admit, it is all fascinating.  The only draw back: it’s our life and what’s left of “our life” is just wrapping it up.  It really pisses me off that I am no longer entitled to alimony because I have a man living in my home. What kind of bullshit is that?  I’m not married to Dale, I’m married to YOU.  It’s not even about the money since it wasn’t that much.  It’s just the damn point.

What blows my mind is that you are going to file for child support.  Even Carla seemed surprised that you are insisting on holding me to pay you support.  You really do want it all don’t you?  The business, the house, our child and support payments to boot.  I tried to talk to you about support and you just refuse to even listen.  All you have to do is sign a piece of paper saying you do not request support.  Is that really asking too much?  The amount you would receive will be just as sad as my hourly rate.  It’s ironic that when we met, you told me to tell my son’s father he didn’t have to pay me the $200 a month support for Jarrid and Zeth.  Do you remember?  Saying to me, “$200 dollars a month is nothing.”  When I asked you what you thought I should have to pay you, your response was, “That’s up to the courts to decide.”  Since when do you want a court to decide anything?!

SO,  instead of me  wasting my time “looking for a job” or making a pitiful hourly wage, just realize how this will affect Tesla.    This will take away my availability to see Tesla, to study hard to keep my GPA high, and take care of my home.  Those are my “jobs” and  I have taken school loans out to the tune of $15,000 so far just to pay rent and live.  Oh, since we are still married, you are responsible for half….

Please take a moment and really think this over.  What’s best for Tesla is to spend time with her parents.  What is best for any child is to spend time with their parents and since we are separated we have to split her time.  It should be as equal as we can make it while living in different school districts.  I’ve never kept Tesla from you and ask that you would do the same for me.  She needs her mother to be part of her schedule, not an after-thought, every other weekend.  The more she sees me, the easier it will be for her to accept that she has to live with you.  She said to me that she told you she wanted to live with me and you told her “no.” Yes, legally, she is in your “custody” and you don’t have to share that time with me.   It is just selfish that you don’t want to.  I don’t ask for unreasonable amounts of time to see Tesla or even over night.  That threat you made, “You better drop this or I won’t let you see her except for every other weekend.”  You are threatening me with seeing her less, because I am asking to see her more than every other weekend.  Why would I drive there if she had no interest in going away with me?  She wants to see me.

There is no reason we can’t work out a schedule for Tesla and I to spend time together on a regular basis.

There is no reason I should have to get a part-time job to pay you support when every cent our moving company makes, you keep.

There is no reason Dale should be held responsible for me when I am still fucking married to you.

I am not saying I think you should have to pay child support to me.  What I am saying is: I think you are requesting child support just to be a jerk.  To make my life harder, which seems to make you happy.  I get that you want me to know you are “in control” of Tesla.  The person who doesn’t get it, is Tesla.  Our divorce is causing too much stress on her.

Let’s make a goal for 2012.  All four of us should try to get divorced from our spouses so we can get on with our lives.  Maybe then, Dale and I CAN get married!

I pray every night for this part of our lives to be finalized.  God doesn’t answer my prayers any faster than your lawyer answers letters.

See you tomorrow 🙂

~P.

Tesla and I are looking forward to Wednesday afternoon and spending time together.  Please allow her and I to spend a few hours together before gymnastics.  It really means a lot to her.

P.S.  I just got off the phone with you.  How dare you tell me to get a job and help support our daughter?  The nerve of you to tell me times are tough when you just took a week’s vacation before Christmas.  You haven’t paid any support since November yet I survived.  Now you don’t have to pay support at all and I will survive.   I can not believe you said “all this time you have to volunteer in Tesla’s class, you could be working.”  It’s crystal clear you are limiting my time with Tesla because you have been “granted” power by Judge Dorney.   You said it yourself on the phone, just now, because you don’t want me part of her routine.

It saddens me that you just don’t get that you are hurting Tesla.  What she says is HER words.  I don’t “tell” her what to say nor do I put ideas in her head.  I give her honest answers to her questions and anything I say, she is free to tell you.    I don’t listen in on your conversations, nor limit how long you talk to Tesla.  You on the other hand, do both.    You have given me permission to take Tesla home after gymnastics.  If that’s all the time you will allow me, I guess there is nothing I can do.  It’s Tesla who will be disappointed she can’t go to dinner with her cousin Blaine because she has to eat dinner at home, on schedule, as a family.  In my humble opinion (which I realize means nothing to you) she should have a night during the week when I can pick her up and we can do things with her cousin, brothers, friends, etc.

Like I said at domestics today, in the long run you’ll see the error in your ways.  You should retake the Kids First Class.  http://girlboxer1970.com/2011/07/11/kids-first/  I really don’t think you learned a damn thing.

Also, since you claim not to read my blog, I will email this to you.  That way you, Heather and LaDonna can all have the opportunity to read it together.

~P.