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Mar 30, 2011

That sinking feeling

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Everyone knows what that sinking feeling in the stomach is like.  I have become too damn familiar with it unfortunately. 

I get that feeling when I have to:

Talk to John.

 participate in group discussion and know I haven’t read the text. 

See John.

poop and there is no toilet nearby.

Text John.

go to the dentist for a check up.

You get the picture…..

Today, I felt it again.  Right after a test in art class.  I had finished up my test and handed it in, that sinking feeling arrived.  Knocking around inside my belly, twisting up my guts.  I checked my notes and sure enough, I had confused two pieces of art.  That confirmed that one essay question was going to be entirely wrong.  I felt like it was going well during the test but the reality of it is…. I screwed that one question up royally.

Does screwing up one question cause complete failure on the test?  Hell no!  Am I going to get all hung up on this wrong answer?  Hell no!  Does this make me want to give up my art class?  Hell no!  Fight that sinking feeling!  I am a floater!!!  LMAO

I have a sinking feeling about this upcoming Monday at York County Courthouse.  Anytime someone has to go to the courthouse, it certainally causes a sinking feeling.  Being charged with contempt and accused of trying to wreck the business I helped established is a tough pill to swallow.  One gets tired of constantly defending herself, yet this marriage and divorce seems to force me into this position practically daily. 

Cross your fingers for me on Monday.  I’ll let you know how the gavel falls!

~P.

Update on my Art test…..I pulled a 92%  Guess I knew what I was talking about after all.  hahah

Filed Under: College, Divorce, John · Tagged: , ,
Mar 29, 2011

CONTEMPT!

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I hate parking in York to go to the courthouse.  Yet again, I have to go in.  It’s not domestic this time.  I am charged with contempt for interferring with business.  Specifically, John claims I called Yellowbook and changed the mailing address to cause him to lose business because he didn’t run an ad in the phonebook.  Now he wants Judge Ness (same judge that evicted me from the house based on lies) to make ME pay for the phonebook ad AND his lawyer fees.  WTF?

I haven’t had anything to do with the business.  This is John’s way of tying up the divorce process me costing me lawyer fees.  Will this ever end???

Filed Under: Divorce, John · Tagged:
Mar 23, 2011

The domestic difference

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The support hearing came and passed.  Domestics lowered my support to about half of what I was receiving and my claiming of Tesla for 2010 taxes is in question. 

 Our business is failing miserably but there is nothing I can do not that I’m on the outside looking in  At one point, it felt like everyone was calling to be moved but the economy just sucks.  The moving business just doesn’t pay the bills. 

(Though it was a very nice, new ring John was wearing on his wedding finger at the hearing.  Perhaps a material object to show his devotion to the new love of his life.)

With the mortgages in the toilet, loans left unpaid, child support lowered….shouldn’t a rational person stop and just think over whether owning a moving company is sensible.  If people can’t afford their homes and are losing them to the banks, they are not going to have the money for a mover.  The cost of running a moving company is outrageous.  A gross of about $150,000 is reduced to a net income of about $28,000 after expenses. 

A rational person would realize there’s no money in this business anymore.  It’s not going to support the lifestyle one has grown accustomed to.  I understand that and feel strongly that continuing to let debt fall behind into collections will not be beneficial to anyone.

Just my opinion….if a ship is sinking, do something!  The communication during the divorce is dismal.  I’ve been told bankruptcy will be filed, then I was told not.  As far behind as everything is and all lines of credit maxed out, I only see the ship going down. 

This failed marriage is extremely difficult for me.  While the love I once had is long gone,  the disappointment  and emotional scars are still fresh.  Until the divorce is completed and custody established, I will still feel that pain.  The good thing about having these feelings is it reminds me I am alive.  If I’m alive, I will continue getting through everyday and never give up. 

~P.

Filed Under: Divorce, John · Tagged:
Mar 21, 2011

Delauter/Crider Domestics tomorrow

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Great….Monday at York County Courthouse. What a pain in the ass just finding parking in York City, then going through the security check and to top it off losing the remainder of Monday with Tesla.   Because I have to go to domestics and repeat for the fourth time that: I live in my parent’s basement, I am a full-time student at York College and I have no income because Mr. Delauter has not been paying what the court has instructed him to pay.  Even though he’s not paying, he’s taking ME to domestics. 

Tomorrow is for his plea to domestics that his support obligations should be dismissed or diminished due to his income reduction.  Business is slow, I’m told.    The only change in my life is I’ve been using my student loan funds to survive.  I see no way domestic is going to change the support orders, but who really knows.

Somehow I survive all this bullshit and drama.  All the court dates, lawyer fees, new girlfriends, new people moving in.  Is a girlfriend with four kids going to SAVE Mr. Delauter money?  I don’t see why the hell she would want to move in with a man who is soooo broke the house is foreclosure, the car has been repossessed, the timeshare is in foreclosure, the line of credit is behind, second mortgage is behind, credit cards were never paid, he can’t pay his own child support or alimony to the woman he is STILL married to…..it goes on and on and on. 

Not that his lifestyle will reflect what a financial mess our current situation is.  I am already receiving state assistance, I have nothing left to lose but my child and this meeting has NOTHING to do with custody, nor do I really think he will get majority custody when Tesla starts school.

I imagine tomorrow will go something like this:

Mr. Delauter: I shouldn’t have to pay support because my business is not making enough money (not that he has looked for a job.)  Pattie claimed Tesla on her taxes last year and it wasn’t her turn.

Domestic:  Mr. Delauter, the filing of taxes makes no difference.  You are instructed by the court to pay your support obligations.

Mr. Delauter: But it wasn’t Pattie’s turn to claim Tesla!

Domestics: Again, that makes no difference.

Mr. Delauter: But now I owe money to the IRS and I am broke, even though I seem to afford eating out, my truck payments, clubbing with my new woman, moving her and her four kids in because I know, this one is it.  SHE is my soulmate…  I love her kids just as much as I love Tesla and I want to  have Tesla all the time because I am what’s best for her and it doesn’t matter what Tesla thinks.  Yes, Pattie is a good mom, but I am so self-centered and greedy that I want Tesla all the time and don’t want to pay child support or alimony, even though I haven’t divorced Pattie yet.  I am holding off on that divorce issue as long as possible so I can convince my new girlfriend how wonderful I am.  Once I know she is in my hooks, I will find a way to get her to help me buy Pattie and my house so I don’t have to sell it.  Pattie seems to have made up her mind.  She doesn’t want to agree to settlement payments.  She says it’s because she’s “not going to be taken advantage of by a big asshole like me”.  I would make the payments.  Really, I would.  Don’t pay any attention to my past record of refusing to pay and letting Pattie’s Mercedes be repoed while I went out and bought a new truck.  Yes, I knew I didn’t have the money to afford it, but what the fuck, I am “the man” and I will do as I please!

Domestic: Pay your support orders, Mr. Delauter.  Your hearing with the enforcement officer is April 1st.  You’ll be a fool to miss it.

HAHAHA!

~P.

Filed Under: Divorce, John, Tesla · Tagged:
Mar 14, 2011

Yeah I smashed it

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What big eyes you have!

What big eyes you have!

I love my little sister.  She is nine years younger than me.  Growing up, she was annoying.  Now as adults, she is annoying.  LOL  Actually she’s my favorite sister.  My only sister….but she is my girlfriend.  I call her “G”, short for girlfriend.  This way I don’t have to admit we are related. 

Suz is actually very sweet and kind.  I love her to little, itty-bitty pieces.  She IS my sister but when she has her “blonde” moments, which is often, I want to disown her, temporarily. 

For instance, last Friday G is watching TV downstairs.  Downstairs is my bedroom.  I don’t mind that she comes down and watches the cable on my busted up television.  What I DO mind is she is so damn messy.  Dishes, food, wrappers, cups, etc.  You get the idea.  So on Friday, she watching TV and sets her cup on the arm of the lazy boy chair.  The chair where I sit to do homework.  At some point, a full coffee cup dumped into my bookbag and purse.  My notebooks were soaked, my textbooks soaked….I wanted to choke her!!!  Instead, I smashed her coffee cup (sorry bout that G) and cried. 

Cried like a baby, I did.  Not over the coffee cup really.  It’s just the stress of my life being stuck in limbo with the divorce dragging out so long.  I am sorry, I’ll get you another Hershey’s coffee cup.  Kisses and hugs to you Suz.  You know I wasn’t really that upset with spilled coffee into my bookbag.  The only thing that saved you was my laptop and library books weren’t in my bag yet.  🙂

~P

Filed Under: Divorce ·
Mar 13, 2011

ACT 91 NOTICE

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I knew this day was coming.  Didn’t matter how many times John told me not to worry about the house payments.  That’s hard to do since my name is on the mortgage and deed just as his is.  I see now, John wasn’t that worried about it at all. 

Now our house is in foreclosure.  There is 30 days to pay the last three months balance of $6496.59.  The second mortgage is behind also.  Between the two, probably $8400 is past due. 

Am a surprised?  Yes and no.  What surprises me the most is he has JUST moved his new girlfriend in with her FOUR children. Why move her in, especially if the house is in foreclosure? I wonder if this Heather even knows the house is in foreclosure…. 

Kelly just put $10,000 of her own money into my house last year.  Why make changes to a nice house with a new bedroom edition using your own money on a house that isn’t yours?  That’s just stupid!

So now Heather is appreciating all the changes of my house that Kelly just paid for.  Pretty soon, no one will be enjoying the house because the bank will be taking it back.  The ACT 91 NOTICE was very direct.  Pay now or say good bye.

If you can’t support the house you have, at least try to sell it while you can.  Our credit is already ruined.  I can only guess at this point that he plans to file bankruptcy.  It’s not like John and I talk.  He’s to stubborn to listen to anything I have to say. 

When we split up, our finances were at least still in order.  Yet it was always me at fault for everything that was going wrong.  Perhaps skipping on two new four wheelers for himself, two timeshares, an addition to an already large home and replacing the pool would have allowed the house to be saved now.  Listening to what your wife thinks isn’t a bad idea.  Sometimes John would listen, but he would do whatever he wanted anyway.

What “John The Man” wanted was the house, business, money, cars, vacations,  (just add any worldly good here) and it didn’t work out great for him.  Maybe this Act 91 Notice will wake him up and do the right thing….finish with the divorce! 

That is highly unlikely to happen.

Filed Under: Divorce, John · Tagged: , ,
Mar 12, 2011

ONLY 5 minutes

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Only 5 minutes had passed last night since Tesla had called me to say goodnight. I was in the shower and called as soon as I could get dried off and dial the phone. John said she was already settled into bed and he couldn’t disturb her or some lame similar bullshit excuse.

Just about a month or so ago, HE called me at midnight wanting to talk to Tess. MIDNIGHT? How calls at midnight to talk to their child??

But I couldn’t call back at 9:05?!? WTF?! This is his way of controlling things. Just like filing for divorce was to “scare” me into doing what he wanted!!
I’m sorry I have to make Tess call him. It upsets me that she doesn’t want to talk to her dad. I’m sorry she doesn’t ask to call and talk to her Dad’s relatives. That would require him having relatives of his own, wanting to talk to him. I don’t really see his family rallying around him. They would rather ignore his calls. Who would blame them. Hell, I don’t even want to talk to John and avoid seeing him whenever possible. I don’t say this to Tesla ever. I encourage her to call her dad. Just her dad…not whichever woman is in his life (or moving into my house) this week. I don’t tell my daughter what I think of her dad. That’s what my blog allow me do.
How many women’s lives does this man get to fuck up?

~P.

Filed Under: Divorce, John · Tagged: , ,
Mar 12, 2011

Plans with the “new family”

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Family pick up time

Tesla didn’t want to go to daycare this morning because her cousin Blaine didn’t have school. 
 Her Aunt Suz said it was fine for her to stay home with Blaine.
  I texted John that Tess didn’t go to daycare at 10:48 AM. 
 
The last I had heard from John was 3/9/11 at 3:36 PM. 
His text was: not sure of the time I will let you know probably around lunch time.
 
TODAY from John I get a text at 12:29 PM.
 gonna pick us up at 1 o’clock this you still at your parents house.
 
I translated this as he wanted to get Tess really early.
  I texted she was there, but when I got home, beating John to the house, Tess wasn’t home. 
 She had gone with her Aunt Suz and brother, Jarrid to drop Blaine off with his dad. 
 Neither Suz nor Jarrid have a phone.
I was yelled at and received a text message that I screwed up his plans with his girlfriend and kids.
I read his text as he would let me know around lunchtime when he would get her.
  So now Tess couldn’t go because he didn’t know when she would be back, and neither did I.
Sorry!!!!
 Now he couldn’t get her until after 6pm.
 
I wasn’t really surprised when my dad said John was outside for Tess at 6:08. 
 What slightly surprised me is he had the nerve to show up with the truck and trailer loaded to the hilt. 
 I guess the family outing was going to the new woman’s house and loading up her shit.
 To move into my house, while Tess and I continue to live in my parents basement.
 
He’s so broke he can’t pay his child support and alimony but he is moving in a new girlfriend?
 And her 4 children!
 That has known for tops, 3 weeks? 
 John thinks this is perfectly acceptable behaviour. 
 I think any rational person would disagree?!?
Filed Under: Divorce, Jarrid, Tesla · Tagged: , ,
Mar 9, 2011

Midterm blues

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My professor returned our midterms today.  Sadly, I didn’t do very well.  I had a feeling it might not get a very good grade because I rushed to finish it.  I started it early so I could get the majority of it done but my prof didn’t return my email concerning the first draft until the night before it was due.  His pc was broke.  So at 9:30 PM with Tesla still awake because I was still awake, I tried to improve it.  Prof said my hurried changes made the essay worse.  Nice…I lowered my grade.

It is very difficult to do homework and study with a 5 year old.  Throw in living with 6 other people in one house and constant divorce drama , custody issues and not receiving any support….it makes everything more difficult.  No excuses though, I will take advantage of his rewrite policy.  He gives a week to rewrite and resubmit.  I will get my grade higher.  It wasn’t failing, but I expect more from myself.

Everything is a mess in my life it seems, but I keep plugging away.  Everyday.  🙂

~P.

Filed Under: College, Divorce · Tagged: , ,
Mar 8, 2011

When you love someone

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When you love someone

Show respect

I am not the butt of your jokes!

Your words are poison to my ears.

Talk gently

Do you have a soft voice inside?

It’s playing hide and seek.

Them first

Every sentence you speak doesn’t have to start with “I.”

Can you ever be wrong?

Yourself second

I realize second to you is a lost concept.

Just get in line!

Be honest

Try to lie to my face.

I see the bullshit in your eyes.

Allow space

Don’t attach yourself to my side.

We are not conjoined twins.

Love grows

Not in your weedy garden.

Suffocating me to death.

Filed Under: Divorce, Poems · Tagged:
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