Narcissist~Fiona and Ken knew

Everyone is going to look at the title of this post and say “who knew?” but that’s okay.  Fiona and Ken know who they are and that’s all that matters.

Once, a long time ago when I still lived in my house, someone much younger than me stated “He is a narcissist.”  I agreed, knowing in general what a narcissist was.

Today, a fellow blogger made the same comment about another blogger but she added the definition of narcissistic personality.

Narcissistic Personality Disorder:
Symptoms of this disorder may include, but are not limited to:
Reacting to criticism with anger, shame, or humiliation
Taking advantage of others to reach their own goals
Exaggerating their own importance, achievements, and talents
Imagining unrealistic fantasies of success, beauty, power, intelligence, or romance
Requiring constant attention and positive reinforcement from others
Easily becoming jealous
Lacking empathy and disregarding the feelings of others
Being obsessed with oneself
Mainly pursuing selfish goals
Trouble keeping healthy relationships
Easily becoming hurt and rejected
Setting goals that are unrealistic
Wanting “the best” of everything
Appearing unemotional

Narcissistic personality disorder is a mental disorder in which people have an inflated sense of their own importance and a deep need for admiration. Those with narcissistic personality disorder believe that they’re superior to others and have little regard for other people’s feelings. But behind this mask of ultra-confidence lies a fragile self-esteem, vulnerable to the slightest criticism.

After reading Fiona’s comment about another blogger it took me back to the day Ken said the same about John.

They were both right.

~P.

Dear John~you suck at lying

Dear John,

By now I would think you’d realize lying to me is a waste of time.  I can see right through your bullshit, even if it’s the thickest bullshit ever.  Did you think I was going to get a big surprise when you showed up at Tesla and my doctor appointment?  I wasn’t surprised.  You’ll always be my stalker, married to you or divorced.  How do I know that?  Because you’ll never get over the fact that I don’t want you.

Did you think I would say, “Oh, sure!  Come on in with Tesla and I for our doctor appointment!” as if we are still happily married and share personal information as married couples do?  I only told you I was taking Tesla to the doctor because the custody order states I must do so.  Obviously you called the doctors to find out what time our appointments were so you could just show up.  When I said you should try notifying me when you take Tesla to the doctor, you response was, “Oh, one time I didn’t tell you.”  I lost count of how many times you whisked her off to the doctor without informing me.

I can pull out her medical records and check.  See I get informed when you take her and I’m not present.  Dr. Carl feels strongly that I should have copies of the appointments because you like to give me incorrect information.

For example, you told me you took her when she fell off the four-wheeler and Dr. C said she was fine.  That was a lie.  In fact, Carl said you never even mentioned she fell or that she had pain in her neck.     Of course you insisted he did diagnose her concerning the fall.  Dr. C gave me a print-out of Tesla’s visit as proof that you never mentioned it.

Then there was that rush appointment concerning the bruising on her arms.  You took her out of school to rush her to the doctors telling Carl I was accusing you of abusing Tesla.  Wow, that was a lie too.  I didn’t say YOU were doing it, but then again, you never had a problem grabbing a hold of me when I didn’t see things your way.

Most recently was the appointment for poison ivy.  It says right in the notes that Tesla got tangled up in the woods riding four-wheelers and caught a very nasty rash.  Before I even knew about the appointment, Tesla told me this: “Daddy says not to tell you I got poison riding in the woods because you will say I can’t ride the four-wheeler.”  Now you want Tesla to lie for you?  Wow, there’s parenting skills.  Teaching your child how to lie to her mother.

When I commented on your new truck today, I couldn’t help but wonder how the hell you can afford a new vehicle.  Our mortgage is still way behind to the tune of over $5,000.  Not that it would stop you from spending money.  You LOVE money and spending it.  It always bothered you that I wasn’t on board to blow wads of money on frivolous items.  I’ve been pretty good at making predictions since you filled for divorce almost four years ago.  I predict my future to be sunny and bright, landing a job after I complete college with flying colors and Tesla is living with me, as she has requested since day one.  I’m not seeing that for you…but keep spending that money you don’t report on your taxes.  It will catch up to you eventually.

You’ll need to pay for Tesla’s lunches once school starts again.  You get enough freebies from the state by putting me in the situation where I can’t get a divorce from your sorry ass.  What freebies?  Tesla’s doctors appointments and medications are all covered by welfare.  Remember when you had to pay out-of-pocket for all our doctor appointments and medications?  Very costly so keeping me in divorce limbo has more benefits to you than going forward with the divorce.  Once that divorce

If you can afford to have a girlfriend and her four kids in our house, you certainly can afford you own child’s lunch.  You were able to afford dragging me to court and lying to get custody.  That means you are responsible for the costs incurred from having custody of Tesla.  I could be a complete asshole and cancel all assistance Tesla gets, but that wouldn’t be fair to her.  I have her best interest in mind.  You only think of yourself and your head and I’m not talking about the one on your shoulders.

Tesla also told me for the second time that you are not letting her call me when she asks.  I never restrict her calls to you.  If anything I urge her to call you.  You should be doing the same instead of trying to make her forget she has a mother.  Heather is NOT her step-mother and her kids aren’t Tesla’s step-siblings.  At the rate you are going they never will be.  Even Heather says she doesn’t know if she would marry you.  I guess living with you is good enough….if she even still wants to do that.  Tough when you learn about the dark side of your boyfriend but you have no where else to go.

Stick to lying to Heather.  She might believe you.

~P.

Woot Woot! Reality Checks for All

It gets old being the “strong” person.  My family, friends and lawyer all tell me to “hang in there.”  I am tired of hanging around, hoping things improve.  Something needs to be done.  Of course, that takes money.

I get blog comments from people who I may or may not know.  For example, here is one from someone who refers to themselves as Reality Check.

Would you stop already with the “my house” crap, you seem to forget that he had that house way before you came along. And because of you, another woman was forced out of it and her marriage. You are a bit high and mighty for my taste considering what you have done in your past. I sure consider you to be a homewrecker so for you to call someone else one is ironic indeed!!!!

Reality Check is so bold with their accusations and label-making.  Like it’s the first time I’ve been called a name.  Shit, John called me “a bigger piece of shit than his own mother” and “fucking bitch” and “lazy bitch” and “shitty mother” so many times I couldn’t stop the dark, life-draining affect it was having on my psyche.  I was already depressed after the horrible mistakes hospital had made that almost caused my death.  I was struggling with recovering from giving birth, near death and stuck in the hospital while my newborn was home with a man who never had an infant in his care.

Things didn’t get better to be honest with you.  I became pregnant with our second child and lost it just after the first trimester.  The feeling of failure was over-whelming and John’s blaming it on me didn’t help.  His wanting to leave me the same day I miscarried gave that disease depression a firm grip on me that I am still working to shake.  Here is my response to Reality Check:

You can tell me to stop with the my house crap…but it is my house also. And, Reality Check, I did not wreck anyone’s home…..neither of them were happily married. You don’t know anything about what happened back then. If you did you would shut the fuck up because you would realize just how wrongly informed you are. If I wrecked a home, it certainly wasn’t a very happy home because I later found out they both were cheating on each other so regularly that it wasn’t even a secret anymore.  Hard for me to feel bad about that.
As far as the house goes, I sold MY house and took out a mortgage with John, using the profits of the sale of my house to pay off Diane so she would sign the divorce papers. At the last moment, she wanted $10K more to sign.

I can be high and mighty ALL I want because I don’t care what the hell you think. I’m not saying Heather is a homewrecker, I’m just saying it would be nice if she would currently butt out so after all this time I can get the divorce he filed for YEARS ago. So, Reality Check, the house is mine and John’s. Since I don’t know who you are, I’m guessing you are someone he used to or still is sleeping with. Hey, thanks for the comment!!! ~P.

See, people’s comments that stick up for John in any way are fine by me.  It just shows me how little they know about him.  If you want me to give any credence to a comment supporting John, have the balls to give your name.  I have nothing bad to say about John’s first wife, nor her husband Craig.  They are good people.  Do I believe she got screwed over by John?  Hell yeah!  I am not proud of the way he removed Di from his life and inserted me.  We were both being used but we didn’t realize it back then.  I’m sure she isn’t thrilled about making it into my writing, but if I wrote anything that was a flat-out lie or vicious, either she or someone in her family would contact me with the truth or a comment because…..they read my blog.

I know how the house came about.  It is true.  I had nothing to do with the house back then.  But my world was completely changed around for the man I fell in love with.  You cannot understand nor underestimate the effect John can have on people.  Not just women he is attracted to but people in general.  He will just barge into your life like a bull in a china shop and change everything to how he thinks it should be.  Especially if he feels superior to that person.  (which is everyone.)

So Reality Check is most likely a person who kind of knows John and feels bad he is going to have to sell his house.  Then again, it could be a perfect stranger who reads enough to just have an opinion.  Either way, opinions are like assholes.  .

Everyone has one.

~P.

Jellybeans and Divorce

Friday was a great day.  After my day on campus ended I drove to Windsor.  A brief stop to sign Tesla’s release papers and I was on my way to her school.

In Ms. Dettinger’s class we first worked on their journals.  I get a kick out of the students writing in their journals.  They come up with very creative sentences.

After journals, they worked on filling out graphs. Ms. Dettinger’s graphs were illustrated with Hershey Kisses, gum drops and jellybeans.  She made this more exciting by having real candy to fill the squares of the graph accordingly.  This type of learning the kids really were into: 4 Hershey Kisses, 6 jellybeans and 3 gumdrops.  Tesla shared hers with me!

Last night after her and I cleaned up from playing with playdoh, I posted pictures of two “doh sculptures.”  Tesla asked to watch the video of her stuffing speghetti into her mouth.  She recognized the island as the one in John and my house.

Tesla said, “I want you to live in the house with Daddy.” and I replied, “I did live there with your Daddy but not anymore.’

“Why?” she asked and I said, “We aren’t in love anymore, but we love you.”

This morning I woke up from a dream:

John and I had been arguing over many jellybeans were in our house.

Dreams are weird,

~P.

Parenting Woes – Take #3763 – Teenage Depression

When a teenager becomes depressed.  Divorce is hard on kids.

Parenting Woes – Take #3763 – Teenage Depression.

Dear Dale

Dear Dale,

You have treated my daughter and I with kindness that I would have never expected.  While you were married to my sister, Suz’s, highschool best friend, I had never met you.  Even, your cousin, Joey Keefer, was my friend and neighbor.  Was that confusing?

Joey and I chatted about you and he put in very good words for.  “It’s amazing he’s alive!” he said.  “I remember when we were kids and he was hit by that car.  He turned out to be a great guy.”

I told Joey about meeting you and how you are helping me get settled in.  He said, “That doesn’t surprise me.  Dale’s like that to people he feels close to.”

I am like that with people I care about, and I care about you very much.  You are a brave man not only for wanting to be involved in helping me with life, but wanting to be in my life.  Unfortunately, there is a rather large problem.  I can’t get divorced from John, or at least that is how it feels.  This divorce issue has been dragging my life out for too long.   http://girlboxer1970.com/2011/07/13/dear-john-letter/

What I can do, is show my daughter the proper way to build a relationship.  My answer to your question “if you could marry me, would you?” is yes.  I would.  That’s the great news!! 🙂   The bad news is, I actually have to wait until I’m divorced.  So while I’m waiting, and paying my rent, we have time to get to know each other.

Right now honey, you are the sweetest man I ever met and don’t get frustrated when I keep you from helping me even more.  I can do this, but I appreciate your help.  Maybe in less than a year we could move in together, we just have to be patient!

Not “John’s Good Girl” for much longer, (especially if I agree to get that covered up by your tattoo friend)

Love,

~P.

 

Dear John V

Drama

Dear John,

Last night I learned you called my former room-mate, John Ott.  It is outrageous that you are calling around, looking for anything to make up a story, for court.  I don’t call your people….. they call, text, email and message me.  Please stop causing drama and wild rumors to spread.  It’s just not following the rules of Kid’s First. http://girlboxer1970.com/2011/07/11/kids-first/

Tesla is what is most important and she has a same, normal home.  Back out of my life and stop this endless drama so I can enjoy writing about all the stupid, mean, backstabbing things you did in the past.

I’m sure as I blog, I will work through my depression, developed after meeting you.  My therapist, Cathy Snelbaker at T.W. Ponessa has been supportive in any decisions I made.  You had the opportunity to attend counseling to work on our marriage.  You chose to stop going saying I would never change and admitting to knowing you couldn’t.  I’ve accepted that, so let’s move on.

I don’t bother any of your peeps, I treat Heather with respect when I see you.  I am nice to her kids and encourage Tesla to think of them as family.  I hope you can keep it together this time.

Stop calling people in my life.  I have enough to write about as life is.

Thank you,

Pattie

Dear John Letter

Dear John,

I know my last post on your birthday wasn’t very nice, but sometimes in life you encounter someone who just deserves that type of birthday greeting. 🙂  I can’t take it back as it’s now on the worldwide web, but I can apologize sincerely.  That parenting class was very helpful.

Today, I found a townhouse for Tess and I.  Now I have a room for my daughter and a room for myself that is not under constant threat of flooding, mold etc.  No more basement living, isn’t that great?  I’m so damn excited!!  But, I had a moment just a few minutes ago.  As I was packing up my shit for the umpteenth time, I started to cry.  Not because I was moving again, but because my marriage failed.  I don’t like to fail.  Not acceptable in my world, and in yours, as I am fully aware of.  You are starting over just as I am, but with much better odds in the financial matters.  I get the child support and alimony pretty regularly.  The arrears are still around $1500, but that’s ok.  I realize my claiming Tesla last year screwed up your plans, but life’s a bitch.  My life’s been a real rollercoaster since meeting you.

So I’m patient.  Just waiting for my day in court.  I know, as my lawyer assured me it could be very costly.  We’re both having problems paying shit these days, huh?  Good to hear you caught up on that $10k you were behind on with the mortgages.  That’s a big relief, though I haven’t gone online to make sure you’re not telling another fib to me.  Credit scores aren’t looking great for either of us.  Sucks when the credit goes down the toilet.  We’re not the only ones.  Lots of people out there roughing it.  Depending on how life goes…the divorce, custody, marital assets,  college, the business, if Heather sticks around, if I ever give another person a chance in my life etc.  Yes, life is just so unpredictable.

Things used to be so much simpler.  We were happy for at least the first two years I suppose, and certainly had many great moments.  I found you so attractive, funny and caring.  I thought it was cute that you wanted to “save” me.  I guess the jokes on you as I actually didn’t need saved.  That’s okay though, like you’ve told me many times and in texts (that I still have) “it wasn’t all bad!” or something like that.  Another favorite text from you is that I’ve never apologized for all the things I’ve said and done to you.  Well, I’m sorry.  I am really.  I want to move on in life and this is how I’m doing it.

At times, you were all that.  After some time passed, you were that.  After getting quitting my job, getting married, selling my house, car and many other things, I REALLY hoped and prayed I could find a way to keep us from falling apart.  I truly believe in your eyes, you did the same.  If that was your best shot, I’m fine with that.  Do I still cry now and then? I sure do.  Not because I want us back together, but because our marriage was doomed from the day we met.  Silly me just didn’t realize it!

Anyway, enough for now.  I’ll write again, but I have to get back to packing.  I never heard back from you when I texted about using the 16 foot truck.  Maybe you’ll mention it when I pick up Tesla at 5PM.  Then again, maybe not.

~P

Kids First

Yesterday I attended the court ordered Kids First workshop.  It is designed to teach parents how to help their children with separation and divorce.  I chose the first class on a Saturday that was available.  Guess who also chose the same day?  If you guessed John, you would be correct!  Also joining John was his girlfriend, Heather.  Oh the irony….

So the group of 30 parents sat around a huge table and our instructor asked how many were attending with a co-parent.  I raised my hand, but John didn’t.  The numbers didn’t work out evenly and she asked again.  This time she thought John’s co-parent was the woman beside me.  I volunteered that he was my husband to clear things up.  Our instructor complimented the 6 of us who were attending the same time as our co-parents.  Shortly after that, John asked the instructor to step outside.  When they returned, John ordered Heather to get up because they were leaving.  Her response was “I don’t think that’s a good choice.”  What she thought didn’t matter because out the door they went.

The rest of us started with the workshop and I have to admit, it was very educational.  I hope that John and Heather both attend.  I actually think it’s great that Heather is going also.  This class may open both their eyes….it did open mine.

There were serious rain storms over the weekend.  My newly carpeted and linoleum floors were ruined and water was everywhere.  My room-mate was certain there wouldn’t be any flooding issues, but he was wrong.  I’m looking at apartments again and this time I’m NOT moving into a basement!  I hope to find an apartment in Eastern York school district so custody is no longer an issue.  Tesla’s health is most important to me and I can not stay living here now that I know it will flood.

My never dull life….

~P.

 

About 5

I still get anxious when the child exchange takes place.  I love having my daughter, but dread the exchange.  One would think by now I would be over that anxiousness in picking up Tesla  knowing John is on his way.

I just can’t seem to shake it though.  My shrink and I see it occurring for several reasons.  Here’s five:

1. Seeing John causes intense negative feelings.  Yes, I am angry.  What woman wouldn’t be?

2.  John can not seem to resist walking UP the driveway where I have to park, to talk to me.  Wasn’t the POINT of me parking at the top of the drive when picking up Tesla, to avoid having to speak?

3. Hearing John say ridiculous things such as: A.  Make sure you check her head for ticks.  B. Did you tell Mommy you liked Disney World?  C.  Please make sure you send her swim suit back.  (Only to have Heather give me two of her daughters old swim suits to keep two days later.  WTF does someone remotely nice want to do with my husband?  Run while you still can!!!)

4.  Being greeted at my front door by John and Heather, like I might remotely invite them in.  Just TEXT ME and let me know Tesla’s ride has arrived.  She will magically appear at the door in just a few minutes.  Me, not seeing either of you, is a good thing in my world.

5.  The less I have to SEE you, TALK to you and interact with your latest girlfriend, THE BETTER.  This keeps me happy and doesn’t cause me to laugh in either of your faces or make a sarcastic but truthful statement, as I patiently wait for this long process of custody and marital goods to be settled.

What is necessary, in my humble opinion, is to get the inevitable over with so Tesla will remember as little as possible about this whole divorce process.  Unfortunately, it’s probably to late.  I know I can remember things that happened in the past when I was about 5.

~P.

 

 

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