This is a blog from 2007 that doesn’t tell the full story of what happened the day I miscarried. I was embarrassed to tell what really happened after I lost the baby. Not embarrassed by the loss of my baby, but by the actions of my husband. This is the story I shared then:
I said “what doesn’t kill me makes me stronger” so many times in my short 36 years. It usually applied to men in some form or another but yesterday was a different story. I’d been having problems for about a week with spotting and contacted my doctor. I had an appointment on Monday to see her at the clinic. Since finding out I was pregnant, I also found out my insurance wouldn’t cover any maternity. Insurance sucks for those self-employed unless you can afford to drop about $1k a month, just on health insurance.
We went to see the doctor Monday and I was pretty sure there wouldn’t be good news. I was right. She did an ultrasound and there was no heartbeat. Actually, there really wasn’t anything but a dark hole showing. We went home and I was to take it easy. Tuesday, John and I visited my dad and gave him a birthday present. While at my parents I suddenly got horrible cramps and started to bleed heavy. By the time we got home I was hurting bad. Within an hour I had passed everything. It was awful. There’s no other words to describe it. I put it somewhere between almost losing both my sons shortly after birth and almost dying myself after having Tesla. I would rather go through almost dying then losing a baby again. While it didn’t kill me it did break my heart. I know these things happen for a reason and that there was most likely something wrong with the baby but it doesn’t help with the pain I feel inside.
Having another child now or in the future is looking bleek. I can’t put myself through the stress for the 5th time. I have 3 beautiful children who all seem to be healthy and happy at this time in their life so I don’t feel the need to push my luck again. I have the next 18 years of a little girl counting on her Momma so I better shape up cause I can’t ship out.
Story addition:
AFTER I miscarried, my doctor insisted that John take the fetus into the hospital. I showered while he was gone and Tesla was napping. When John returned from the hospital he came into our bedroom where I was lying in bed, still in pain. He said he took the fetus into the hospital and noone seemed to know what to do about it. I didn’t have much to say until he said he was leaving again.
“What do you mean you’re leaving?! Tesla is going to wake up soon and I am in no shape to take care of a 1 year old!”
He responded he had a softball game he HAD to pitch at 6pm. It was just after 5pm at that moment.
“Are you serious?! You’re leaving me here with Tesla after I just lost our baby so you can play softball?!?!”
I was crushed at his lack of sympathy and empathy for me, his wife, mother of his living and now passed child. I realized then John only thought of himself first and always would. After I expessed my feelings, he did stay home. I guess guilt managed to affect him.
It’s almost been 4 years since the day I lost a pregnancy. I don’t anguish like I had in the past, but I will always be saddened by losing my child and realizing how little feelings my husband had.
~P
girlboxer1970 
Go ahead...take a swing. I'll duck and listen.