communicating is easier with a 5 year old

Here is a sample of the gut-wrenching bullshit I go through because of divorce and custody.

I’ve been working hard to finish two papers for class tomorrow.  I also have to study for a test in Human Communications.

Because of this I tried to communicate to my husband that I should probably stay home and continue working instead of driving to the gymnastics studio and having very little interaction with Tesla.  I didn’t bother to mention that I realize he is not going to let me drive Tesla back to the house after gymnastics and he may never let me drive Tesla home after any activity.

Along with communicating this thought, I also asked if I could get Tesla after school tomorrow for a few hours.  He said he would check his schedule and let me know.  Really, his schedule?

I decided to call (blocking my number) John so I could talk to Tesla.  I had to insist on talking to Tesla before gymnastics started.   First thing out of her mouth is she wants to see me.  I explained to her that I had a lot of homework and a test to study for and that I should stay home.  She wasn’t happy to hear that but did understand.  I told her that tomorrow after school I could probably get her and we could spend some time together.  She liked this idea but then said, “I know you won’t get me.  You won’t be allowed.”  I told her, “You don’t know that Tesla.  We will see.”  The line went quiet and then she came back on and said goodbye and the phone disconnected.

So, do I go to her gymnastics practice even though seeing her practice is difficult?  The viewing area is small and restrictive and no one is allowed inside the gymnasium.  I could go and hope I can talk to her for a few minutes without the usual drama.  I could hope he will let me drive her home.  That’s a lot of hoping.   Ahhhhh!!!!!!!


I didn’t go to gymnastics.  It makes more sense to stay home and study.  I’m not going to run out there tonight when tomorrow I could spend some real time with Tesla.

I’m hoping that tomorrow I will be granted a few hours with my daughter.

Here’s to hoping,


Who the **** did I marry?

I watch that show “Who the bleep did I marry?” and cross my fingers there is never an episode written about me.

Last night I tried to be a supportive co-parent and invited John into my home to talk.  I just wanted to know what happened when Tesla wrecked the 4-wheeler.  Immediately John confirmed my suspicions by admitting Tesla fell off the atv.  He says Tesla didn’t run into him with the atv but just hit bumps in the yard and fell off.  The atv continued across the yard without Tess.

Now I don’t know what day this happened but on Friday the sudden doctor appointment for a cold appears to be a bunch of bullshit.  According to John, the doctor  checked her out for injuries and found nothing.  Interestingly enough, there is no documentation on the doctors report even mentioning an atv accident or possible injuries.  Nor did John get in writing that the doctor now doesn’t feel Tesla could benefit from art therapy.

I told him I didn’t think Tesla was big enough to ride the atv on her own and her falling off and hurting herself was enough to confirm it for me.

He said, “well when she’s with you, she doesn’t have to ride.”  (That makes perfect sense since I don’t have three atvs at home.)

I realized this part of the conversation was going nowhere and told him just to leave.  I wanted to hug and kiss Tesla without the goon behind me.

rainbow mohawk ballet dancer

Tesla had on her dance tutu on she picked out at the Harrisburg Farm Show.  I asked her if she was going to wear it to dance class tomorrow and she said “yes!”

As John walked out he said, “no dance tomorrow” and I paused closing the door.

“No dance tomorrow either?  What about gymnastics on Wednesday?  Is she even taking lessons anymore?!”  My frustration at his constant changing of Tesla’s schedule was growing by leaps and bounds.

“Actually no.  She is starting soccer in February.”

You know how the needle scratching across a record sounds?  That is how it felt hearing this.  From what I could understand last night, dance and gymnastics have been scrapped and now soccer is the latest interest.  I have never, not even a tiny mention, heard from Tesla that she wants to play soccer.  She loves dance and gymnastics so why the hell is soccer becoming their replacement?  So her favorite activities have now ceased.  I imagine it gets expensive having 5 kids in dance and/or gymnastics.  I would like to see Tesla stay in at least one of her favorite activities but now that John has a huge family, I guess that’s not possible.  Even if I wanted to pay for and take Tesla to dance or gymnastics, he would never agree to it.  That would be “losing control” of Tesla’s schedule to me and that is completely unacceptable in his world.

So much was hitting me at that second I couldn’t think straight.  What it boiled down to was there was no activity I could attend during the week to see Tesla and when I asked him when I could see her, he said “in two weeks” meaning my weekend to have her.  He actually smiled at me when he said that.  I said, “you are on a power trip with this custody order.  Why would you keep Tesla from seeing me?”

His response: “I’m not keeping her from seeing you.  I’m just following the court order. Call the judge, maybe she will let you see Tess on Wednesday.”

Tesla and I hugged and kissed goodbye.  We were both shook up by her father’s words.  Tesla had just learned that dance and gymnastics were over for her and we wouldn’t be seeing each other for 2 weeks.

Everyone is just a pawn in John’s game of life.


%d bloggers like this: