Victims sometimes feel too ashamed to admit when something bad happens to them.  This is a natural reaction. 

I remember feeling ashamed after I was attacked by a neighbor/classmate while his brother and another neighbor stood nearby.  I remember it clearly, like it was yesterday.

I was at church cleaning like I always did once a week.  Granville and Larry D. were outside with a kid and I could hear them talking because I had the windows open.  There was no air-conditioning at Rohler’s back then. 

I walked over to the window and yelled out hello.  They rode their bikes up to the window and looked inside, wanting to know what I was doing.  I said I was cleaning the church then going home.  The next thing I knew, Granville was crawling through the window.

“You can’t come in here,” I told him.  He ignored me and was in the church in a matter of seconds.  “What are you doing?” I asked.  He didn’t have to answer.  When he grabbed my arm and started to pull me towards the baby nursery room I knew why he climbed through.

I thought to myself, I am not losing my virginity to this dirt ball.  I took off for the front door only to find I had locked it to “keep me safer.”  Now I realized I was locked inside so I ran downstairs, came up the other side, into the new wing of the church and locked myself in the bathroom.  Granville was yanking on the doorknob and trying to get me to come back out.  It got quiet after a little bit and I thought he had left.  As soon as I cracked the door he shoved his hand in and grabbed me.  I shoved past him using the door to my advantage and ran back into the main part of the church.

He ran after me and I tried to get back into the nursery without him getting through the door.  I didn’t even get the door shut and he had a hold of me again.  He was yanking the front of my jeans down but I had a belt on and that is what saved me.  He couldn’t get my belt open with me viciously attacking him with my fingernails.  His arms and face were bleeding.  I don’t know why I didn’t start to scream for help.  It was surreal…how could this be happening in the church I’ve been going to all my life?!

Finally, Granville’s brother yelled in, “come on Bud, let her go.”  I guess Granville realized it wasn’t going to be easy to rape me and his brother and friend were not going to help him.  He left the same way he came in and I closed and locked all the windows.  I felt stupid for allowing this to happen and embarrassed, like I would be blamed because I yelled out a hello to the guys.

I finished cleaning the church and walked home.  I never told anyone.  The next morning he walked past me on the bus and smiled.  I wanted to throw up.  Later I saw my friend Holly in study hall.  She came over to me and said, “Granville said he tried to rape you and that’s why he is all cut up.”  I was mortified and denied it.  I know Holly was just trying to be a good friend, but I was ashamed. 

I no longer feel ashamed as I realize I did nothing wrong and certainly didn’t encourage his behavior.  Too many women become silent victims in physical, emotional and sexual abuse.  Until this stops, crimes against women continue to go unreported, devastating them and ruining their life.  I was lucky that day and I count my blessings.

~P.