Amish Mafia: Here’s the truth

What ya gonna do when they come for you?

What ya gonna do when they come for you?

Discovery Channel you had a good idea here with this Amish Mafia show.  It is a show that tells a story about some events that may or may not have really happened in Lancaster, PA and a bit in Ohio.  It tries to be a reality show, but it is not.

If it were a reality show we would see Esther Schmucker and Levi Stoltzfus learning they will be traveling to FL for a spontaneous vacation.  Esther knew they were going to FL, and that “Oh that’s just creepy” line was just good acting on her part.  She’s not an actress.  But she would like to be.  Esther would also like to be a model.  Her boyfriend (though they seem to have broken up) was a black rapper that goes by The Real Mirkat who smokes bongs in his videos.  He has nothing bad to say about Esther and considers her a wonderful person.  I haven’t spoke to Esther in over a week, but I wonder if she says the same.

Then there is Allen Bieler, a local repeat in the news.  He loves running from the cops.  Probably because of that weed, pills, etc. that was in the car.  He is listed as a paid actor on the set of Amish Mafia.  He has worked for them in the past in recording Amish stories.  Yes, he did get adopted and did live in Lancaster.  He currently lives in Lancaster, out free without bail.  Amazing, a “mafia member” out of jail and no need for bail.  Mafia my ass.

And Levi Stoltzfus, the Mafia Boss.  The only thing Levi is boss of is his deck and siding business.  His business has been around for a long time but only last year joined the Better Business Bureau.  I’m sure to look as legit as possible now that he would be on television as the Boss of Lancaster County.  Did I mention Levi is a cousin of one of the girls from Breaking Amish?  Levi if you’re the boss how about finding out where the Amish puppy mills are and doing something about it?  Or what about the horses sold off for slaughter at auction?  Oh wait Levi, you are guilty of doing just that.  Is the head of the Amish Mafia really that broke he has to take his horses to auction and not donate them to an horse rescue?  People don’t want to hear about Levi sending his horses get whacked and making some cash too.

Twitter Wars could be another show for TLC oops, Discovery Channel.  (Esther worked for TLC on their series Breaking Amish.  TLC and DC are produced by the same company)  Esther was on Twitter but has since decided it’s just insane.  Levi Stoltzfus account has been suspended…don’t know who suspended.  There are other “characters” that may or may not be on Twitter making disgusting comments.  I wonder if Levi is regretting taking the part of Boss Man.  So much drama for just an Amish man….well, for a non-Amish man.

So it’s fake.  FAKE….fake….yep fake.  Come on, you already knew it.  I won’t twist the knife but: IT’S FAKE!!  The “cast” of Amish locals are no longer friends.  It is strictly business for them.  Can you imagine having to work with Merlin?  Some nutbag they found in Ohio to be Levi’s rival.  At least they don’t have to fake hate and contempt.  No acting required for that.

Thank God it is fake because Lancaster County doesn’t need Robin Hood like characters brandishing semi-automatic weapons.  And where the heck did they find Jolin, the finest maybe Mennonite, now maybe living in the area.  At least til this roller-coaster ride comes to an end.  Now that a local business that gives tours of the Amish area has decided to add a tour of filming locations, the show could become even more popular.  Perhaps it won’t matter if it’s fake.  If it brings business to Amish community, that will be a plus.

Just admit there is no mafia in Lancaster.  And this show and supposed mafia people have nothing to do with the horrible shootings at Nickels Mine School, and I’ll be happy.  Otherwise, I’m coming to find out.  That reporter in Hollywood won’t be coming, but I can….and will.

Hunting down the mafia,


P.S. This makes for great creative nonfiction.  I’m going to ace this class and term.

UPDATE: 6/15/2013

I used the Amish Mafia as the thesis of my Religious Secrets and Conspiracy final paper.

Click these links to read the results of my deeper delve into the Amish Mafia.

%d bloggers like this: