Amish Mafia: Here’s the truth

What ya gonna do when they come for you?

What ya gonna do when they come for you?

Discovery Channel you had a good idea here with this Amish Mafia show.  It is a show that tells a story about some events that may or may not have really happened in Lancaster, PA and a bit in Ohio.  It tries to be a reality show, but it is not.

If it were a reality show we would see Esther Schmucker and Levi Stoltzfus learning they will be traveling to FL for a spontaneous vacation.  Esther knew they were going to FL, and that “Oh that’s just creepy” line was just good acting on her part.  She’s not an actress.  But she would like to be.  Esther would also like to be a model.  Her boyfriend (though they seem to have broken up) was a black rapper that goes by The Real Mirkat who smokes bongs in his videos.  He has nothing bad to say about Esther and considers her a wonderful person.  I haven’t spoke to Esther in over a week, but I wonder if she says the same.

Then there is Allen Bieler, a local repeat in the news.  He loves running from the cops.  Probably because of that weed, pills, etc. that was in the car.  He is listed as a paid actor on the set of Amish Mafia.  He has worked for them in the past in recording Amish stories.  Yes, he did get adopted and did live in Lancaster.  He currently lives in Lancaster, out free without bail.  Amazing, a “mafia member” out of jail and no need for bail.  Mafia my ass.

And Levi Stoltzfus, the Mafia Boss.  The only thing Levi is boss of is his deck and siding business.  His business has been around for a long time but only last year joined the Better Business Bureau.  I’m sure to look as legit as possible now that he would be on television as the Boss of Lancaster County.  Did I mention Levi is a cousin of one of the girls from Breaking Amish?  Levi if you’re the boss how about finding out where the Amish puppy mills are and doing something about it?  Or what about the horses sold off for slaughter at auction?  Oh wait Levi, you are guilty of doing just that.  Is the head of the Amish Mafia really that broke he has to take his horses to auction and not donate them to an horse rescue?  People don’t want to hear about Levi sending his horses get whacked and making some cash too.

Twitter Wars could be another show for TLC oops, Discovery Channel.  (Esther worked for TLC on their series Breaking Amish.  TLC and DC are produced by the same company)  Esther was on Twitter but has since decided it’s just insane.  Levi Stoltzfus account has been suspended…don’t know who suspended.  There are other “characters” that may or may not be on Twitter making disgusting comments.  I wonder if Levi is regretting taking the part of Boss Man.  So much drama for just an Amish man….well, for a non-Amish man.

So it’s fake.  FAKE….fake….yep fake.  Come on, you already knew it.  I won’t twist the knife but: IT’S FAKE!!  The “cast” of Amish locals are no longer friends.  It is strictly business for them.  Can you imagine having to work with Merlin?  Some nutbag they found in Ohio to be Levi’s rival.  At least they don’t have to fake hate and contempt.  No acting required for that.

Thank God it is fake because Lancaster County doesn’t need Robin Hood like characters brandishing semi-automatic weapons.  And where the heck did they find Jolin, the finest maybe Mennonite, now maybe living in the area.  At least til this roller-coaster ride comes to an end.  Now that a local business that gives tours of the Amish area has decided to add a tour of filming locations, the show could become even more popular.  Perhaps it won’t matter if it’s fake.  If it brings business to Amish community, that will be a plus.

Just admit there is no mafia in Lancaster.  And this show and supposed mafia people have nothing to do with the horrible shootings at Nickels Mine School, and I’ll be happy.  Otherwise, I’m coming to find out.  That reporter in Hollywood won’t be coming, but I can….and will.

Hunting down the mafia,


P.S. This makes for great creative nonfiction.  I’m going to ace this class and term.

UPDATE: 6/15/2013

I used the Amish Mafia as the thesis of my Religious Secrets and Conspiracy final paper.

Click these links to read the results of my deeper delve into the Amish Mafia.


  1. Patties on the story like a tick on a dog..get to the bottom of it. Lol

  2. Anonymous says:

    You’re a joke! You have nothing better to do with your time it’s pathetic

  3. I’m a fan of the show and saw this on a Twitter search. There’s organized crime in every city in the USA. AND the world for that matter. Why is that hard to believe? The Amish guy is in jail on the show. The other has a drug dealing felony and was part of an FBI drug sting according to internet research. How is it fake? I think a lot of it is reenacted like they say at the beginning of the show but I doubt that it’s fake. You are a little naive and attention starved.

    • No David, you are naive. But thank you for the comment. ~P.

    • Dave do u think south park is real just because they make fun of things that really happen lol, if you even believe there is an Amish mafia then let’s jump on a UFO an go lookin for Bigfoot 100 years from now in my time traveler.

  4. Fresno, cali says:

    These weak people are fake aint nobody gonna be afraid of these people come on people really some fat pig that runs this town and whats up with jolin the guy that shoots watermelons n windows what a fukn joke the fighter slash assasin I would love to c that pussy in s bar id beat the wanna be gangsta out that bitch what a fairytale midgets that are ganstas how funny is this show its a soap of a a bunch of what it seems to be inbreeds that are just so funny to watch I hope they continue this

  5. Fresno, cali says:

    And merlin a guy that talks like he retarded a midget that levi can eat on a cracker big steve a giant thats got shit for brains a black guy thats a fukn oreo jon that looks like a member of the partridge family thats got as much brains as big steve, with a sister thats been around the block a few times i mean buggy that fuks a pussy that shoots melons what more do u want in a show that worships fat ass guys that they let run a town he looks like a bully from the third grade these fukn people are

  6. Fresno, cali says:

    Hillarious,, i dont even have to smoke corn to breaking amish and mafia get my vote for best retards in a comedy soap patte please let the cast know show them these postn let thwm knw fresno california watching them dumb fuks and tell jon cooool fukn scooter mylil sister gots a razor with lights laced grips she can pimp his scooter…..

  7. jdschnars says:

    Being from somerset county Pennsylvania. I have to laugh at the show. I have been to the good and plenty many a time. Anyone who’s familier with Lancaster knows this place. I would love to see your follow up. The show portrays the Amish badly. It is against everything that an Amish or Mennonite would do say act und gedenken. Ich kennst dad show night believe. Even the schwabish Deutsch or Penn dutch is improper. And at times hessian. Lol. Go get em girl. And try the good and plenty. Best Amish restaraunt you can ever eat at. The fried ckn is so soooo gut. Abba alle schmecht gut zu Meir. So tschuss und may got be MIT ze.

  8. What a bunch of pussies!! I’d take on any of these guys any day of the week and fuck them all up!

  9. Anonymous says:

    The Amish are certainly a horse abuse Mafia. They send the very animals that help them maintain their way of living to slaughter

    What a joke. There is nothing Christian about the whole sorry lot of men

  10. We have several Amish family-friends and we have spoke regarding this horrible show!! One family in MO says that English in their area are now completely terrified of the Amish, forcing them to lose their income sources. We have spoke to elders in the communities as well and they stated at the disgrace of the misrepresentation with their lives filled with pacifism and simplicity life to serve the Lord. The English put together this show to destroy the relationship between English and the Amish. This is a completely outrageous MISrepresentation of the Amish, who stay off the grid who simply went to speak with the government for medical assistance and got completely snubbed. Hope they all learned their ‘lesson’ and this TV show will never appear again.

    • I had hoped the show would not cause the Amish problems in their lives. I realize it does not portray any real life examples of Amish people. I’m very sorry to hear that there are English out there that believe it is an accurate portrayal. It is just television. 😦

      • Yeah just like the Mermaids story 😫 they write these stories like their real and no one catches the “re-enactment” speech at the beginning…..

    • Anonymous says:

      Ur full of shit

  11. Why are you so concerned with animals? Do you have any idea about the incestual sexual abuse, other rapes, and severe abuse going on in the communities? Apparently people don’t matter to you. Congratulations on realizing that much of reality shows are scripted. There are fire marshal records for the controlled burns, etc. This is no secret. Perhaps some of the events the show is based on actually happened, but since I wasn’t there I do not know, but I can only guess they get the ideas from somewhere. I’m hoping the “ace this class” thing was a joke because your writing and grammar are horrible.

  12. The show is indeed fake. It is a mockumentary or a mockudrama, it’s essentially a romantization of stories that were pitched to the network a decade earlier by none other than Alan Beiler. Though many of the characters are not actors they are lured into these scenarios and scenes and simply act out however they choose. The show is built in the editing room. When the current season is finished all will be revealed. Stay tuned…

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