pregnant, but not

I’m trying not to be upset, with myself or God. I’ll be honest, it’s a challenge. I was so excited when I found out I was pregnant March 31st. It was impossible for me to keep it between Brian and I. I guess that’s where my optimism got the best of me. Generally speaking, I’m a realist. From the moment Brian asked me if I’d like to try to have a baby, I told him, “I’m 43! I don’t even know if I can GET pregnant.” But six weeks later, I was and I thought for sure God wanted this to happen for us. I’m not pointing the finger at God, I’d like to keep thinking he’s in my corner. It just hurts.

For the first time in my life I feel what true love is. Brian has touched my heart in a way I didn’t know was possible and it sometimes eats away at me that we have known each other since we were twelve yet never once even hinted to the other that there was some interest in more than friendship. My life went one direction–marriage and two sons–and his went another, Penn State. By luck of a newspaper article and the amazing reuniter of people, Facebook, Brian and I got back in touch after 25 long years. We didn’t plan to fall in love; it just came and smacked us both upside our heads. Every day I feel stronger about him and more certain that we probably should have been together for the past 25 years, but hey, that’s life. You gotta live it and apparently we did just that, lived it. Now we love it and for the first time since getting together, we are hurting.

The emotional pain of being pregnant and told the baby isn’t alive inside me is horrifying. I’ve been through this before. I was pregnant back in 2007 when I was still with John. The difference this time is I have a man who loves and supports me. When I finally miscarried in 2007, John blamed me and wanted to let me home with Tesla so he could go play softball. Yeah. Really. Today, I had to insist Brian go to work because I saw no reason for him to stay home if physically, I’m fine. My doctor’s office just called about fifteen minutes ago to tell me the ultrasound confirms a non-viable pregnancy. Maternal Fetal Medicine sent me to have the pregnancy levels checked in my blood. They didn’t come back yet, but I really don’t have any hope. I see no reason to cling to hope when everything points to a collapsing amniotic sac within my uterus. They baby was there, but it had no heartbeat. Now I just wait for the pain, cramps and bleeding to come.

I don’t consider myself lucky over the recent years. I’ve been through a lot since the split of John and I in 2008. I struggle every day with the fact that some idiot judge who was forced to retire gave custody of my child to her father based on the fact that he had our house. When you lie in court and get other people to lie for you, it’s not that hard to get what you want, especially when your wife can’t afford an attorney. I should be hateful toward him, but I’m not. I can’t say I like the man, but he is the father of Tesla and I’m not going to wish death on him or anything. I have more in my life with Brian in the past 6 months than John could have ever given me because what Brian gives me comes free. There is no way to buy love. The luck I do have brought Brian and I together. The bad luck that seems to haunt me daily will probably rear its ugly head Saturday. The worst day to lose this pregnancy would be when I’m getting ready to graduate college with honors after 4 long years of hard work. Yeah, I’m calling that one. Not trying to be negative, just realistic. Might as well hold off until the day I’ve been waiting four years to celebrate.

Yes, I’m sad, and yes, I’m angry, but I don’t have regrets, well, maybe just that I told everyone I was pregnant so early when I should have realized this old womb might not have all the cobwebs swept out and be able to bring Brian and I a cherub-faced baby that we so much would love to have. On a good note, the doctors say all my female particles work and that’s not the issue. The most difficult part will be telling Tesla and Matthew and that they won’t have a brother or sister in December. Telling my mom she won’t be a grandma again is going to really bite too. Mom was so blinking happy and I hate having to make her sad. We’re all going to be sad together, Brian and I, our families and our friends. Everyone has been so supportive and this is such a huge disappointment. I haven’t decided if we will try again. I don’t know if I can take this emotional pain over and over. It is much more painful than the actual physical part of losing a pregnancy. That part hasn’t even arrived yet…but the doctors tell me to be prepared. So I just wait.

I write this because it gives me relief. I don’t know if people can understand, but writing gets me through.

Thank you for reading,

~P.